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My Homage To Stay-At-Home Moms

I’ve said it before, but not quite so bluntly.

Stay at home moms watching children full-time should win Emmy’s, free groceries and not have to pay taxes.

I have every Monday off from work.

Yesterday was the little nippers’ last day of school. They went in for one hour, then came home by 10 a.m. just as the wifey was hopping in the car to head for work.

I swear I heard uncontrollable laughter as she drove off leaving me with a yipping dog, a daughter screaming “I want cereal PLEASE daddy!!!,” and a boy behind me saying “can I have a play date? Daddy? Play date? Can I have one, Please!!!” just as the doorbell was ringing with the neighborhood kid standing next to it.

An hour later I had two kids in the basement playing, my son was riding his bike down the street screaming “I’ll be back dad,” just as my phone rang and the dog hit his “I need to go outside” bell.

It wasn’t even 11 a.m. and I was looking around the kitchen for a bottle with a lose top.

11:30 a.m. and I’m out front sweating my ass off watching my daughter fly down the sidewalk on her bike, barely missing hitting the two-year-old neighbor kid, just as another neighbor-kid climbs a tree in our yard 6 feet above concrete. Another neighbor kid opens the door to my house to go “wee wee” leaving it open long enough for my dog to fly out and run for his life down the street.

As I’m running down the street my son yells, “DAD!!! I’M GOING OVER TO #%@&^ HOUSE! I’LL BE BACK LATER!! Only problem was I had no clue in hell who this kid was or where he lived.

About 20 minutes later the boy’s pissed at me, the girl is changing into her 3rd outfit for the day and I’m in the kitchen making lunch for four kids, each with their own dietary requests.

One minute later and I’m pondering how in the hell I can make it to the local liquor store without having child services called on me.

The chaos continued. But, thankfully I have the support from a neighborhood stay-at-home mom who calmly came over and took control from my rookie ass.

And I was in awe….

I immediately fell to her feet, skinning my knees, but not caring a single bit because I knew I had just met a true “stay-at-home mom.”

With the wave of her hand children were coloring on the sidewalk. Songs were being sung by many. Smiles were on faces that just seconds ago were covered by tears. And I believe I heard a “thank you mamma” trickle off into the air leaving me humbled, numb, and thankful.

I crawled to her feet like a man left for death in the blistering heat of the hot desert sun finding a spring of water. Clasping her ankles I looked up and said, “teach……me….for….I…..fear…them…..and….they…smell……blood!!!”

She simply reached down, patted my head, laughed, and walked back to her house. As she grew smaller as she walked further away I noticed the children slowly focusing their gaze on me, one-by-one.

It wasn’t until the door slowly closed behind the coveted stay-at-home mom that the death children dropped their tasks and began bringing the rapture back to me.

Dear Stay-At-Home Moms:

We love you. Adore you. And you are irreplaceable.




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Reader Comments (34)

HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!! You need Nanny McPhee!

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFrankie

Don't sell yourself short. I'm a stay-at-home mom and I'm always wondering how quick I can get to the liquor store in the next county and back! Is it acceptable to have the kids in the line with me as I purchase a years supply of whiskey? If I leave them in the car while I make this purchase, will I go to jail for it? Would it be worth it to get some peace and quiet in a cell with a butch named Maude?

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJenn

Ahh finally a man who see's the light and understands we have tougher jobs than anyone seems to realize. It's not really all daytime talk shows and bon bons. Maybe you could have a word with my hubs, that silly man has it in his head he could seriously take on my job and the house and himself would still be stand upon my return after an 8 hour day. Pretty funny when he can barely keep it together when I run to the grocery store.

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

Thank you for such praises, sometimes we also get really burnt out too. Sometimes kids are like Kryptonite.

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

Thank you for this. Can I forward this to all my friends who continually ask me what the hell I do day in day out?

Merci beaucoup!

I think I speak for SAHMs everywhere when I ain't easy being awesome!!

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter@thecaffeinatrix

Mr. Mom, indeed.

Hilarious, sir.

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCass

i feel this way about every SAHM who has more than 1 child. My hands are full with Klaw. I can't imagine having to do this for 2 or more.

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDana K

Pssst. Duct tape.

Kidding, mostly.

Have more activities planned than you will have time to do, remember they don't have attention spans. Also, routine, routine, routine. Harness the power of the word NO, and develop "the look."

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJulie

I've left my husband at home with the kids to go to BlogHer during summer break, so he knows of what you speak.

Love your portrait of the chaos. :)

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBitchin' Amy

I'll take those perks, please! While you're at it, maybe you can help convince others that we deserve them?

My husband gets it. My mother gets it. Even my friends who have decided to work outside the home get it. With summer break being upon us, they're also throwing themselves on our mercy.

It's not easy. It's not even always fun. Still, it is absolutely worth it. So, thanks again for the kudos!

Just remember, they can smell fear. Love this.

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLeigh Ann

You Sir, are an honorary hero or us Stay at Homers. The other night on Jeopardy! one of the contestants was announced as a "retired housewife". I thought, holyshit, you can do that? Awesome.
There's light at the end of that playground tunnel, I guess. :)

That is hilarious!! As a stay at home mom....I give you a huge pat on the back.....for seeing that it's not as easy as it seems. :)
I have been a stay at home mom for all 12 1/2 years of parenting and I can tell you that it is not always rainbows and nutterflies but it's not always screaming heathens and dirty diapers either.
We have our perks that's for sure but there are times where we all look at the sweet, stained faces of our children and wonder....what the heck was I thinking??
Love this post, glad my friend spread the word about you....I'm now a fan....will look for your tweets soon. :)

LOVE this post! I think I might print it out to show everyone when they ask "What do you DO all day??". It would be more constructive to show them this post rather than throat punch them, which I often consider. Thanks for the homage!

Oh how I can relate! What's sad is I've been a stay at home Dad with 3 girls, ages 12, 8, and 7 for the last 5 years. You would think by now I would have it licked but not so much. When they were little and were more dependent it was rewarding and made me smile everytime they turned to me for something Now that they are older, they're well on their way to being demanding, drama filled teenagers. I've already converted the storage space under the stairs into a padded cell and created my own little version of 'Harry's Room'. Pass the bottle my Friend! Pass the bottle! LOL

OMG you're trying to get laid!!!! Aren't you?

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the House

Dude, rope and duct tape! Just sayin...

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEllie

Bravo Justin! I'd be more than happy to show you how to get to the liquor store...

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPage

All I can say is a few rolls of rope, an air horn, and the "Thriller" video goes a long way....

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKrystal

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