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Tuesday
Jun282011

Bacon

So, yesterday I got to have a daddy/daughter day.

To kick it off I did what any self-respecting father would do.

I made bacon.

And we ate it…and life was good.

It then got me thinking. Bacon really is such a unique, diverse, and satisfying food.

It can be served with just about any other edible combination – peanut butter, strawberries, honey, and…well…..bacon.

Then it got me thinking even further about how bacon could change...well, the world!

1) Served before every business meeting:

Manager: “Before Bob begins his report, would anyone like some bacon?”

2) Excellent in hostage situations:

Hostage Negotiator: “That’s right, just let 10 more hostages go and we’ll deliver four crispy and warm slices of bacon.”

3) Premature ejaculation?

Husband “I’m sorry honey that never happens to me. Come on...don’t be mad. Hey, guess what? Who has two thumbs and a plate of bacon for his special girl? This guy!!!”

4)      Making oral sex much more appealing to the wife:

Frank: “Hey hun, I ummm…I was thinking maybe tonight I could ummm…you know…like, get a little oral or something?

Wife: “Jesus Frank!!! Is that all you think about, huh? My mouth going down on you? Damn it!!”

Frank: “I wrapped it in bacon!”

Wife: “Let’s do this!!!”

5) Wrapping paper for shitty presents: (overheard at the wedding)

Guy #1 “Hey? Who’s the jagoff that re-gifted the picture of his grandmother holding a poodle with ‘You’re My Favorite Grandson’ shaved in its fur framed in a Kenny G.-singing frame?”

Guy #2 “Who gives a fuck? It’s wrapped in bacon dude! I’m stealin’ it!”

6) Tricking the kids into taking vitamins.

Mother: “Oh look Timmy! Someone left a bacon ball sitting on the counter. Guess I’ll have to eat it.”

Timmy: (Grabbing for his shank attached to his ankle) “Back the fuck off…I’ll cut you ma… Don’t touch my bacon ball. That’s right…walk away…don’t even look at it…keep walking…”

7) To keep from having to talk to the Mother-In-Law:

Step 1: Cook 23.4 lbs of bacon in flat strips.

Step 2: Spent 89 drunkin’ hours sewing said 23.4 lbs of bacon into a size 38 coat.

Step 3: When mother-in-law arrives and starts digging into every inch of your life invite her to go for a walk. Before leaving, slip on the coveted bacon jacket. As you walk down the street, Nature will slowly begin to attack you with louder and more viciousness by the second forcing you to retreat back to the house and retire for the night in your bedroom in a fit of trauma next to the stocked cooler you’ve managed to previously hide under the bed.

I strongly support everyone trying all of these and more. In fact, you should comment and let me know how bacon has forever changed your life!

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