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Top 10 Things I Freakishly Enjoy

Yesterday I pulled up to the gas station to piss away even more money to “the man.” I did my usual dumping of my car garbage, then grabbed the squeegee and started cleaning my windows.

Completely soaked in 22-day-old non-soapy water, my windows were ready to be squeegeed off. As I slowly pulled that first line of water off I felt the day’s tenseness go away. The second line I felt even more relaxed. By the time the entire windshield was done I felt like a badass and the entire day’s insanity slip away!

OK, not that good, but damn it was a weird spooky kind of relief.

I got back in the car completely freaked out by myself and thought, “that’s just one of those uncommon satisfying things in life that you just kinda secretly enjoy.”

So what are 10 other weird and spooky things that satisfy which I probably shouldn’t reveal?

1) Wiping down the bathroom sink so it’s absolutely spotless. Little dinky hairs, puddles of water, toothpaste globs, boogers…you name it. They collect in the most bizarre places of the sink. Taking my wet hand and cleaning it down is therapeutic in a freaky way.

2) Armor Alling my car dashboard. Seriously…when it’s done and the smell is in the car…I just want to put Led Zeppelin Physical Graffitti in the CD player, go for a ride with the windows down and blare the hell out of the radio.

3) Lawn dances. I won’t lie…I love them. Give me a wedding, eight beers, a shot of Jager, a good song and a dance floor and I’m in heaven. I’ll be doing the “lawn mower” and “weed eater” all night.

4) Speaking of weed-eating…creating perfectly trimmed grass along sidewalks and boarders makes me literally need to take a cold shower afterwards. It’s lawn maintenance porn.

5) Crossing the finish line of a half-marathon race. It’s indescribable. You’re happy, elated, sick, exhausted, motivated, and humbled all at once.

6) Turning my fan to the number 3 setting and sliding my dumb-ass into bed.

7) After 12 minutes of digging, cutting, digging deeper, and almost giving up, finally pulling that damn splinter from your body.

8) Holy shit do I love corn on the cob. The greatest thing ever invented. But damn those stringy annoying thingies that jam ever so strategically in-between your teeth! So when a toothpick slides one of those out from in-between my fucked-up teeth it’s so amazing!

9) Sliding a key along the spine of a new music CD to cut the cellophane that wraps it. Pulling it off, opening the case and the smell that tickles your nose of the freshly printed CD jacket and all the awesomeness it holds.

10) Clipping that annoying toenail. You know…the one that sticks out ever-so-slightly so that it rubs against the toe next to it and makes you want to rip someone’s head off?! Yeah…smoothing that bad-boy out is so freakin’ awesome!

That’s it for today’s freak-show. That’s just a few of my weirdness that is o-so-satisfying in a “daddy, you’re weird!!!” kinda way.

What’s yours?!!! Leave a comment.


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Reader Comments (19)

One of mine is folding bath towels and wash cloths fresh out of the dryer. Getting all the edges and folds precise and stacking them into a perfectly aligned column. Its not exactly world peace, but it gives me a sense of accomplishment in the chaos of my house.

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTennessee Mom

If I am by myself (sans hubby and 2 whiny girls under 8) I listen to Audioslave and Chevelle on my Ipod, and vacuum the hell out of my house singing out loud (2 floors + basement). It's a high I just can't describe.

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterClaudia

I can't believe you left off picking a booger. A really hard one that has been trapped in a hard to reach spot like a miner. Getting that sucker out makes me feel like I can do anything. ANYTHING! ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!! Someone get me a towel.

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the House

I'm with TennesseeMom...laundry! and along with that, making my bed.

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterWanda Mae

Kitchen Dancing! there's not much better than dancing out your frustrations at the end of the day.

I agree with a lot of the ones already posted, but I would have figured "driving home in your underpants on a hot Friday" would have been on there somewhere. I'm surprised.

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStef

You do rock some wicked good lawn dances! Funny stuff! Makes me miss you guys even more :)

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRebekah

Making something in the food processor. It's such a pain in the ass appliance, that when I DO use it, I feel like I've actually accomplished something a grown up would accomplish.

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHope C.

Okay, I'll bite. I have this voyeuristic fascination with massage videos on Youtube. No, not because I enjoy seeing skin (there are waaay better places to see that kind of stuff), but watching them relaxes me almost as much as receiving them. I've even been know to reach an almost zen-like state watching some of the better ones.

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterdiamond dave

When I first started reading this post I was all like, "Really? I thought that was just my husband who was meticulous over the little mind numbing things and does he know that no matter how much you armor all a mini-van, it will never get clean and you will never have that desire to drive down a country road feeling free but you most definitely will need to blare Led Zepplin to tune out your crazy spawn who are spilling out of the windows from the back seats like dogs on crack?" and then I saw that you are a fellow lawn dancing lover of Jager and I became worried that perhaps you are also a little like me.

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJillian

Taking my damn bra off as Im driving on the Mass Turnpike after a LONG night in the shit mines... SWEET LIBERATION!!!
Also, I find plucking the loose fur off unsuspecting cats and dogs VERY soothing.

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKennelWench

I have to agree. Taking my bra off when I get home after a long day at work. You feel so FREE! (They were invented by masochists anyway)

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMorgana869

While I hate to admit it because it makes me seem like more of a domestic goddess than I really am, but I love when I can have dinner ready the min. my husband pulls into the driveway. He never gets home at the same time and often doesn't call when he's on his way, but if somehow, almost like I have magical intuition powers, dinner is ready when he gets there, I get a small thrill. Especially if I can do it several nights in a row. Yeah, I'm sick, I know.

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSarah Lynn

I know I probably sound a little bit off, but stuffing the inserts inside the cloth diapers right when the dryer buzzes and they are still warm.

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

hahaha! I loved those. Fun post! I know what you mean by being relaxed after cleaning the windshield. I LOVE erasing the week off of my dry erase calendar & replacing it with the new week. I love writing with the dry erase marker on a clean slate.

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKelley

I want to hang out with Jillian.

August 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRockstarMama

Okay, I have multiple things to say about this but really? # 9? Who buys CDs now? Oh, my god, you have outed yourself as an Old Person. I'm sorry, I did NOT want to be the one to tell you that, but I think everyone else may have been talking about you behind your back.

Yr wife is so cute & has a great haircut.

August 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDeb/Green V-Neck

Oh, hey, that was all meant in good fun, except the part about your wife, 'cause she really is very pretty.

August 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDeb/Green V-Neck

Totally with you on number 7 & 10. I also love to pop pimples. Gross but so thrilling.

August 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAlexandria

I LOVE your list and agree fully with you on every item (other than the lawn dancing moves, sorry) But... yeah I'm there with you! I'm glad I found somebody out there who's as freaky as I am! :o)

August 26, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Nikki

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