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« And Now the News, 7-Year-Old Style | Main | Heroes »

Top 10 Things BP Should Shove Up Its Leaking Oil Pipe

So…there’s this oil leak in the Gulf.

After 11 deaths, ridiculous finger pointing amongst disgustingly rich oil company CEOs, and failed attempts at placing oversized diaphragms over the leak, BP is now going to attempt to shove a variety of items into the pipe such as golf balls and rubber.

I was just as shocked as you. So, I didn’t waste a second’s time. I picked up the phone, cranked out a few emails, and polled the world’s greatest engineering minds to come up with a better solution.

And now I’m pleased to share it right here, right now with you. YOU! Before I send it via carrier pigeon to Obama and via my foot in the ass of oil executives, I thought I’d let my faithful readers see it first.

Top 10 Things BP Should Shove Up Its Leaking Oil Pipe:

Rod Blagojevich’s Hair

Seriously, just scalp that crooked bastard’s hair right off and shove it directly in BP’s pipe. It’ll more than likely solve two issues at once – the clogging of the pipe and cleaning up the thousands of barrels of oil already spilled. In fact…don’t bother scalping this douche…shove him right up there with it.

Justin Bieber and his entourage

All you parents of young girls out there, I know you’re with me on this one. As big as that kid’s head is getting he’s got to be able to clog BP’s pipe up. And if that doesn’t work, we’ll drop his entourage down to get his ego nice and jolted just to fill in the cracks and crevices.

My kid’s stuffed animal collection

Seriously…can someone else please give my kids a fucking stuffed animal for Christmas, Easter, their birthdays, or whatever reason you feel drives you to buy a useless plush animal making a cute face with open arms and annoying scratchy tag hanging on its ass? Please? I so badly want to shove them right up BP’s pipe!  

Carrot Top

I think someone should send a fake letter telling Carrot Top that his jokes suck and sign it “BP’s Spewing Oil Pipe.” Hopefully that will piss off that steroid chewing, hulk of a comedian off enough that he’ll want to swim directly down to the pipe and strangle it shut.

Sarah Palin

Come on…you knew I had to put her in here somewhere. Hell, I’d pay BP to let me at least try and shove her in that pipe… Please! Please BP please?!

John Holmes

Someone should totally resurrect that porn industry icon, throw some oil on his Jheri curls, slap him on the ass, yell “go get ‘em tiger, and send him out there to do what he did best in life. If anyone could grab hold of that pipe and handle it like a man, he sure as hell could.


Ten out of ten people agree…Nickelback should be shoved directly up BP’s pipe. In fact, the poll further revealed that if BP were to shove Nickelback into their leaky pipe, they would be forgiven for the mass murder of hundreds of animals that will continue for years to come.


Need further explanation. Read this. Oh…and they should totally clean up the oil using the Sham Wow.

Death Row Inmates

Because – if I can rant for a second – it amazes me we keep people on death row for so long, using tax money, only to put them to death decades later. Gather the overwhelmingly guilty death row inmates up and….well you know the rest.

Zhu Zhu pets

Two weeks ago one of those little bastards got lose in the house and I couldn’t find it. All day long I’d randomly hear its maddening squeaks and sounds, feeling like I was on a really bad acid trip. Two days ago one was left in my car during an hour-long drive. It was all I could do to not drive myself into a telephone pole. Shove all those sanity killers hard down BP’s leaky pipe.

I hope you all enjoy the hard work minds across the world have put towards this environmentally important problem. We hope you’ll consider us when nominating for the next round of Pulitzer Prizes.

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Reader Comments (20)

Hahahahahah. Love it. Maybe all of them at once would do the trick. But for the love of God please start with Ssrah.

May 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSeattledad

I would contribute our stuffed animals as well - we culled twice already and they are the only thing that fits in my TWO year olds' toy box!!

May 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRobMonroe

OK I live on the Gulf. Sadly it's washing up now, sadly we are finding dead animals. Sadly this is only the beginning of what will take decades to overcome if ever. I think BP and FEMA got together to teach all of us stubborn people who didn't leave after Katrina to learn a lesson. GET OUT. it's clear this place is going to be unlivable. It's sad. However you post is fucking hilarious, and I agree to shove all of the above in, but add FEMA, and some politicians, and then cement the damn thing over, and then turn the gulf into a big concrete pool with hot pool boys and "filters".

May 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThePeachy1

I really like the Nickelback idea. But if we're going with embarrassing Canadian singers, can we add Avril Lavigne and Celine Dion in there?

Very funny list!

May 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBrandon

I'm voting for either Nickleback or Sarah Palin.

May 20, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterfbayona21

Oil colored snuggies for X-Mas 2010...sold only at your local BP.

May 20, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermarc

John Holmes pecker, brilliant. Sarah Palin, unfortunately, seems completely unable to actually absorb anything. Fail.

We need something really large. How about Focus on the Family's closet, Nancy Grace's indignance or the fine print on Medicare Part D.

May 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterWanderlust

The tot has many stuffed animals to contribute! I also have a 10 year old black cat....

May 20, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermyturtledove

Is Al Sharpton an option? I'd also add cheaply made toys, like the one I purchased this afternoon that already broke....grrrrr..

May 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDaddy Mojo

I just wonder what would Brian Boitano do?

May 20, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the House

HOLY HANNAH!!! Leave the blessed snuggie alone! ;)

May 21, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterShelle-BlokThoughts

Hell yeah...I am glad my kid doesn't have one of those damn plastic was bad enough when his fucking mother bought a furbie....shudder.

May 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermepsipax

Can we add my f*cktard ex-husband to the list? Please? Seriously.... as really, since he hasn't worked in 3 years, he has the time to do it.... just sayin'.

May 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLilmumma

I especially agree with you on the Zhu Zhu pets. I swear they are worse than the furby at least those things would shut up. You add ESPN to the list with Overanalyzing of a simple sneeze.

May 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterClint

maybe Sarah would cause more leaks cause her ""DRILL BABY DRILL"'' sure aint helping her right about now and she causes me Diahrea of the Mouth so the spill might actually GROW!

May 26, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterwind4me


May 28, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterUndomestic Diva

I am so in love with the visual of Carrot Top angrily swimming towards the pipeline, wagging his finger in anger.

I've got a couple of ex husbands I'd like to contribute to the pile. Oh and the girlfriend of one of said ex husbands. I mean they are of no use to me. Also, can we exchange the snuggie for a few shamwows? Just sayin'

May 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

This post is pure GENIUS! It had me laughing so hard I was crying. However, I think you may have missed a few possible plugs for leaking pipe: Joan Rivers, Barney the annoying purple dinosaur (why hasn't anyone pulled the plug on him?), Silly bandz, and my high school ex (no, I'm not STILL bitter!)

I figure those 4 should pretty much seal that puppy up for a few millenium

June 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSunday

I'd say that BP has been a "Gushing" success.
(If that got you to laugh, you should totally visit my website... but that's besides the point)

June 8, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJesse Zylstra

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