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« I've Got 99 Problems & My Zipper Is 1 | Main | Let's Get It On »

Can We Pleeeeease Have Sex?

My son’s obsession with the Wii has helped me realize I ask the wifey for sex WAY too much.

Every day I hear the car door slam quickly followed by the pitter patter of feet running and the high-pitched tones of children giggling and laughing. One of them usually slams themselves against the front door in the heat of victory over being the first to the house. A key rattles in the keyhole as the wifey yells “JUST A MINUTE GUYS!!! BACK-UP!!”

The front door opens unleashing a flurry of flying book-bags, coats, shoes, and a flustered wifey. The girl tears-ass upstairs to immediately change into her jammies. The boy? Like a bloodhound he drops to all fours with his wet slobbery nose just inches from the floor and begins sniffing for any scent that ultimately leads him to me.

Within seconds he’s spazzing-out on my lap saying, “daddy can we play Wii? Please? You said yesterday we could play Wii and we didn’t even get to play that long so I wanna play longer this time and will you play with me please daddy? Wii daddy? Daddy! Wii!”

Every day this happens. And I love spending time with the kid and playing Wii, but the incessant and persistent asking to play Wii drives me up the wall. First thing in the morning. First thing when he gets home. Before dinner. After dinner. In the grocery store. Picking him up from school. Wii Wii Wii fucking Wii!!!!!

Then, like a fresh splash of clean oil on a broken down 1950s engine, my brain starts to work and it hits me! “Holy shit! This must be how the wifey feels about me asking for sex constantly!!! Oh my baby jesus…I have got to STOP doing this to her or I’ll never have sex again!”

The more I think about it the more I start to shudder at the thought of how completely annoying and unattractive my “game” has been over the past….oh shit…over the past decade. In a panic I grabbed a sheet of paper, a pen, and dropped some Mr. Wizard knowledge into a chart to compare my son’s Wii obsession with must-mount-wifey-now obsession. Here’s a few examples of what my brain managed to contemplate.  


The boy NEVER wants to play Wii alone. He’s emphatic that I join him every time and gets upset if I beg him to just play by himself for a bit.

I get upset and throw a temper-tantrum when the wifey’s answer to my sex request is, “why don’t you just go upstairs and take care of yourself?”


When I play Wii with the boy, he has to sit right next to me with arms touching. So while I’m maneuvering Mario through his maze of snapping turtles and angry walking mushrooms, I get poked and prodded by the fidgety mini-me who’s wedged his body next to mine.

The wifey will be laying on the couch comfortably and peacefully and I’ll slowly climb my cumbersome 6’3” frame in between her and the back cushions causing the blanket to get all fucked-up, pushing her forward so she has to put an arm down to keep herself from falling off and I grab her ass while saying, “hey there little lady. Wanna fool around?”


After playing Wii for a while with the boy I’ll make the announcement, “OK bud, five more minutes and then we’re done.” That’s always followed by a whiney, high-pitched, “awwwweee…come-on daddy! We just started playing. I don’t wanna stop in five minutes. Pleeeease?!”

The wifey and I will be in the middle of one of the most amazing sex sessions of humankind with birds chirping louder, rays of sun beaming brighter, and all is right in the universe when she’ll say, “we should go ahead and wrap this up.”

And I’m all, “Awwwweeee…come on honey!! But we just started! I don’t wanna stop, pleeeeease…just a little longer?”

After completing this exhaustive list I felt ashamed. I felt how a fly must feel after finishing therapy for obsessively flying around a cow’s ass for many years—empty and full of motivation to just apologize endlessly. And, I knew that’s just what I had to do.

So, I walked over to the wifey who had just stood up to go upstairs to bed and I threw my arms around her and hugged her passionately. And before I could utter the first sympathetic apology she said, “Fine! Let’s go upstairs and do it.”


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Reader Comments (18)

It's amazing what our kids teach us about ourselves! I absolutely love "we should go ahead and wrap this up" - I can just picture the look on your face LOL

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKat (@kathym425)

OMG, I must do it too. Well, I don't ask, I sulk like I didn't get the toy I wanted at the store or something. Great comparison! So true, so true.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermyturtledove

Nice. (by which I mean "shit, me too!")

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRobMonroe

Sounds like things are looking up!

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

See, we women have you all figured out. It's no longer a hug for a hug, it's the preemptive request for a hummer, followed by 6.5 seconds of pure bliss for you. I don't think your wife will lke being compared to a cow's ass though...just a thought...but she might enjoy the "fly" analogy for you. Our children were put here on earth to show us just how annoying we all really are...jeesh!

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterManiacal Mom

My 3.5yo has been acting the same way about soon as she wakes up, as soon as she's eaten, as soon as her sister is napping...

an interesting analysis of your desire for sex. Hope you retain this knowledge ;)

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

Great fucking post. Great ending. You have me laughing as always. So... did ja do it?

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermepsipax

LOL You really crack me up.
However, I have a questions, ok maybe 2 questions:
1. How long have you and the wifey been married?
2. Do all men really truly want to have sex with their WIVES or just plain want to have SEX?
Great post!

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMrsHotMom

Dude, you crack my ass up. You're like a sex starved Jack Russell Terrier. What I really want to know is will you be playing more Wii or asking for less sex?

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMandy

OH, I love this blog! HA HA HA...I'd let my husband read it except he may think I'm asking him to go have sex!
I thought I was the only one with the "FINE" Let's just go do it type of attitude. I really don't have romance time. I'm like whatever, let's go.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMcNeatoBurrito

I was cracking up so hard reading this, my hubby had to come over and see what had me practically rolling on the floor. *Grin*

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSkyddsDrake

That was a great post, perfect ending!

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterwhitebullie

Great post. Let me just is full of irony and bad timing. From the time I got married (to the day, I think) until a couple of years ago, my husband and I would joke about when I was going to hit my sexual peak. I told him at age 30...then on my birthday I looked up at him and said, "Yup, that was it. You missed it". So we had about 20 years of what you're describing, but perhaps a bit more of the wife saying, "handle it yourself". Now, when I have apparently found my peak my husband is like, "What, again?". I get sulky and temper tantrumy. I'm running my hand up his thigh in the car and getting it physically removed. Bah!

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLojo

I love how your daughter immediately changes into her PJs. I am the same way.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJamie

OMG! That is totally hilarious! I am now totally going to show this to my hubby!!! Thanks for the laugh.

February 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRhonda

This post had me cracking up! I hate the fucking Wii sometimes because that's how our 8yo son is. I've been known to be an evil bitch and take it away for months at a time.

You're right about the sex too. After our 1st son was born, the more my husband tried to get me to feel sexy and try to turn me on, the more it turned me off. Sometimes we need a little space.

February 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAman

Oh how I wish this didn't hit so close to home. Hilarious as usual.

February 2, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSAHD PDX

Interesting analogy, and I'm sorry to hear you have to ask for it!

A short time ago, my dh came staggering out of our bedroom one Saturday morning, looking quite bedraggled, hair a mess, weak in the legs, and bleary-eyed like he didn't have enough sleep. I flashed him. His response? "You're BRUTAL!!"

I've never in 27 years told him to take care of it himself. LoL. Rock on.

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNikki

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