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I've Got 99 Problems & My Zipper Is 1

My son has what we call in the business, a problem “shutting the ole submarine hatch.”

Eight out of 10 times the boy goes to pee, he will undoubtedly come strutting out with his zipper wide open to the world. If he were John Holmes, he would have felt the breeze and nipped that little zipper problem in the bud a long time ago. But he’s only seven, and he’s packin’ heat the only way a seven-year-old can, and has no idea his junk has only one more layer of clothing to surpass before getting a front row seat to the world outside.

So I let him know…:

  • “Hey Grayson, the cucumber has left the salad my friend.”
  • “Grayson! You’ve got a security breach at Los Pantaloons.”
  • “Whoa there slugger, Paul and Mary aren’t here so put Peter away!”
  • “Hey man…you’ve got a hole in your jeans!”

The list is long, but they all leave the boy screaming, “awe come on!!” and buckling over to quickly zip his cage up while looking around to gage the level of embarrassment he should feel.

And the messed up thing—I swear the shit is becoming contagious. I kid you not, a few weeks ago I went to spend the day with the executive director of a potential job I may get, and that’s when the zipper-down-bug struck.

I’d been there at least two hours. I’d leaned back in my chair, arms on my head all confident during conversation. I’d crossed and uncrossed my legs many times. I stood at one point to talk on the phone for a couple minutes, pacing back and forth. It wasn’t until well into the meeting, when I was doing another kicked-back movement that I happened to look down and notice my zipper had its “O-face” on.

Yeah, it wasn’t just a half-way unzip, or an unzip with a small little pooch of a hole showing…no…it was as if I’d stuck a pencil in there to prop it open as wide as it could go, hung bedazzled banners around it and shone spotlights from all angles.

I dropped the Cool Hand Luke look like a bad habit and went into, doubled-over-I-look-like-I-may-shit-myself-if-I-don’t-find-a-bathroom-NOW look—which, in retrospect, is significantly worse than letting my potential boss know that I was sporting green skibbies that day.

Continuing to act interested and engaged, I nodded, took notes and dropped mad ideas. And, when the time was right, I said, “I’m gonna take a quick break and be right back.”

This nightmare has happened two more times to me, the most recent was a couples days ago at the Museum of Science and Industry when I discovered a docent checking out my “junk.” Out of habit I lightly brushed myself to get a quick blind-man’s read on why the stares, when I felt the dreaded openness.

The boy and I will survive. We’ll make it through this tortured time in our lives. Although, it does leave many questions unanswered.

  • Why the hell is this dreaded disease so contagious?
  • Will the boy eventually wear his button-fly’s open?
  • Will that problem then head north and leave him with the horrific disease of Leaving-Your-Shirt-Half-Unbuttoned-So-Everyone-Can-See-The-Wolly-Mammoth-On-Your-Chest.
  • If so, will he be destined to wear gold chains and rings, too?
  • Will my son become a hack bowler, drink only Budweiser (a sincere plug to this wonderful company who should definitely be advertising on my blog), and comb his hair straight back?
  • At what age do people stop telling your zipper is down?
  • And, why, when it’s so much fun to say, “Hey, cowboy, wanna put the gun away?”

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Reader Comments (17)

Those are some great euphemisms for "XYZ," and I'll definitely be borrowing them with my boys. We usually use: "Close the barn door, the piggy's about to escape."

The best solution might be elastic-waist pull-on pants. But that's just so wrong on an adult man.

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPiper

Nice job daddy. I may have even peed a little reading this. I told my son's teacher just the other day her fly was down. I am very literal so I simply said, "I can see your vagina." I bet she will never forget again. :)

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the House

Oh' how I always look forward to your posts. The worst however is when your wearing those boxers, perhaps a size to small, and lacking the fly button. Yeah zipper down with those completely bypasses the whole i see your skevies... Its plain old coming out to play time! Great read!

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMeandering Bohemian

LOL! Only advertise if you are interviewing for a job as a Gigolo.

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMrsHotMom

eek. I'm red just thinking about the embarrassment. Sorry there Marty McFly.

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermyturtledove

What's wrong with brushing your hair straight back, Buster?

Seriously, though, I usually just ask "Hey buddy, do you feel a breeze?" Thst way any eavesdroppers won't know his zipper is down.

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMad 'n Hairy

I am too mortified for the hapless junk-hunk to say anything. Though I did once tell a lady in church that her dress was tucked into her pantyhose. It would be the nice thing to do to notify the flasher but man that's embarrassing for ME! And you never know when the offender is doing it on purpose. There are a lot of creepy guys out there. Some day I may tell the story of the commando hole in the crotch dude I had to meet with. Still too traumatic.

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLojo

Sounds like you have spent a little too much time at home enjoying Pants Optional ... Everyday. Once you get back in the "real world" again you will get back in the habit fast enough. Those visits to HR never end well ....

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered Commentercjaxon

Suspect that this post was a ploy to post a picture of your unzipped pants for your readers.

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

My son is a clothes-a-phobe and rarely has anything on when he's at home. Leading me to believe that I will be going to his wedding at a nudist colony! I wish he had pants on so I could tell him to zip it up!
PS...I am so totally going to use the cucumber/salad analogy for his dad...who ALWAYS has his damn fly open!

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterManiacal Mom

Am furiously writing those zingers down to use the next time I see someone's barn door open.

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMotherofthemth

When you get older you will find that you are invisible. Beautiful women, as well as homely ones will walk right by you without giving you a glance. You can parade around in church with your tamale wagon and no one will say a word. One day you will check into a hospital and wear a gown specifically designed to show everything and no one will care because you are now invisible. It's just an age thing. How do I know? Well, I reached that point. You'll find out.

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterthe invisible one

I always knew you were crazy, and now I can see 'ya nuts!

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered Commentercorrin

i love it, and btw, your shlong is showin

February 3, 2010 | Unregistered Commentersnoopysnowcone

My zipper is like a 7-11 store; ALWAYS open for business.

February 4, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMike

Great read. I had a phobia back n the day. I solved it by not buttoning my pants. You'll know when the zipsters down, cause your pants will be down. I once had to inform an 80 year old man about his zipper. He says, "I know, its the only way the ladies will still talk to me" Classic! "Shut the coop boy, your roosters bout to cockadoodledoo!"

February 6, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterel conejo negro

I once spent the entire day walking around Amsterdam with my zipper fully in the "O" position. I was backpacking through Europe one of my first stops was traveling around Amsterdam alone until a girlfriend arrived a few days later. Some creep decided to follow me - literally - for the entire day. Waiting for me patiently ouside all my stops and continuing to ask me "do you have boyfriend?" questions until I eventually made my escape by dashing into the sex museum (ironic enough). It wasn't until I was back at the hostel that evening did I realize that why I had been followed. Duh!

February 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterclovertaco

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