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The Great American Snuggie Family

I hate the Snuggie. I hate it more than anyone could hate anything. Wanna know why? Read an old post I knocked out a while back about how the Snuggie is nothing but a glorified cock-block.

But for some reason I’ve been attached to the Snuggie on Twitter. At least once every couple of days I’ll get a picture of one sent to me by one of my kick-ass kids on Twitter.

But while Snuggies have impacted my life and made me contemplate arson as a means to which I could rid them from this planet…they’ve also created a life of their own. They’ve grown out of control becoming Slankets, Sham Wow Snuggies, and more.

Regardless, I still find myself wondering, what happened to the original Snuggie family. You know—the one you saw in all the ads.

So I tossed on my super ninja spy gear and dug into their history. And…here’s what I found:

It all started with the perfect family. The dad, hot mom, and two perfect, adoring kids and their Snuggies.

Then they boy wanted a dog.

So then the girl wanted horses.

The mom had two older twin sisters who lived their lives as “Cougars” hunting men and trying too hard to look sexy.

And of course there was the creepy uncle.

Over time the kids grew up. The boy went through a bit of a gangsta phase.

The girl…well, she got a little slutty.

She then had a life-altering experience and felt love for the first time. She panicked and became a recluse for a short period of time.

And when she came out of it, she decided to eliminate sex from their relationship for a solid year to make sure he truly loved her.

Meanwhile, the boy met a bad group of people and ended up joining a Snuggie cult.

A year later, the girl married her boyfriend and they settled down and quickly spat a little nipper out.

Although she always described it as “watching an alien tear out of me.”

But regardless she enjoyed motherhood. She enjoyed it so much she decided to crank out seven more rug rats.

And then life became too much, and she slipped back into old bad habits.

She even sampled hanging out in her brother’s cult for a bit.

Then she got pregnant again. And, for obvious reasons, after the baby was born her husband wanted a divorce.

In the end, the son got kicked out of the cult and he spent his life rebelling against the Snuggie.

The daughter’s eight kids traveled the world became well adjusted Snuggie lovers.

The original Snuggie parents got older, larger, and obsessed with Wal-Mart.

The illegitimate kid became President of the United States.

And the girl…she regrouped again, went back to college, traveled the world, but

eventually became a hoarder and died buried under her own filth.


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Reader Comments (15)

oh dear god.
all those snuggie pervs just dribbled on their snuggies.
you coulda like put up a disclaimer.
i think i threw up a lil in my mouth....

you fuckn rock. as usual.

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterallconsoffun

Lol. That lady in the fuzzy purple sweater thingy reminds me of when Jim Carrey played the Grinch. Geesh.

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEverrose

Thank you for that.

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLaurie (@GoodByeGracie)

Now THAT is a crime! Hilarious ... but definitely criminal.

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered Commentercjaxon

HAHAHA....thanks for a great laugh this morning. Love how your mind works. HA!

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKisha Floren

Your wife must come home at the end of the day and say to you...
"What did you do all day?" and I am sure you resond something like this...
"Well, I googled Snuggie Cock Blocker all day and look what I found!"
It's no wonder you are missing out on the vagina party man!

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterManiacal Mom

Very cute. I got your snuggie right here. It's the original.

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the House

Very creative!! Some of those are quite frightening to think someone *actually* thought of it AND made it!

Oh, and FYI, the Slanket came before the Snuggie:

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPea's n Bean's Momma

This is by far the funniest thing I've read in a long time! I love it!

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSusan (woo222)

Wrong. All. Kinds. of. Wrong. There are no words. There really should have been no pictures.

I am surprised that you have not been institutionalized after seeing this TOTAL nonsense.

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLisaB (LadyWanderlust)

I do love my Snuggie....but this post was hysterical!!! I am afraid my husband would agree with you on this; however, the Snuggie has nothing to do with the cock blocking at our house, lol!

January 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

All kinds of brilliant!

January 14, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterlotta

I just found your blog, and I loved the first thing I read. I will be back for more.

Good stuff!

January 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMarty Bhatia

You forgot the Star Wars Snuggie Santa brought my 8 year old. I think that was one of the funniest posts I've ever read. I'm sticking with an old fashioned blanket and stealing my husband's sweatshirts.

January 17, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

Too funny! But cock-blocker? I guess you guys haven't seen the Snuggie Sutra!

September 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAlong

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