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Monday
Jan112010

Focus Danielson

DateMonday, January 11, 2010 at 9:14AM

At what point during my boy’s life is he going to not need to be told things 3,428 times before he actually freakin’ does it? I’m just wondering?

Saturday, I told the boy to go get socks. Four minutes later, as I’m running around getting stuff together to leave, I realize he’s still upstairs. So I go check and he’s lying on his bed reading a fucking book!

“Grayson! Dude! That’s awesome you’re reading a book, but…get…your….socks…on!”

Shocked that I would be rattled by this, he says, “I am daddy, I just needed to check something!”

He appears five minutes later with his socks…in his damn hands and stands in the living room doing nothing. A small drip of drool appears on his lower lip as he’s looking out the window into nothingness. Apparently he has become a dog who only knows how to receive and accomplish one command at a time.

“Seriously Grayson? I mean seriously? You know we’re trying to leave to go into the city. You know all that is required in order for you to walk outside in a foot of snow and 10-degree weather, but yet, you need me to walk you through it step-by-step.”

As soon as I finish that last word, he turns and looks at me and says, “Hey daddy, you know on Wii, on Mario, on World 6 when you’re fighting Bowser. His hat is weird!”

I just had to sit down after that. In what freakin’ world does this kid live? Mario’s World I guess.

Can I please have a huge dose of whatever the hell he’s got running through him to where he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the time continuum?

“Focus Danielson!!!!” I yell. This has become his least favorite phrase from me.

“Stop calling me Danielson daddy!!”

“Then put your socks on, then your boots, then your hat, gloves and coat and come…on!!!”

“I ammm!!!”

Every time we leave to go somewhere or to get ready for bed, we deal with this. And it’s leaking into my everyday life.

I’ll catch myself telling wifey we should go ahead and go to the store, “so please go get your socks, your shoes, your gloves, your hat, your coat, put on those jeans that shows-off your ass so I can watch you as you walk in front of me. And please take that damn Snuggie off so you don’t end up on some random website for wearing it to the store, and consider having sex with me tonight. Now! Hurry!”

Maybe I take the “I’m only going to tell you this once” approach and if we spend the day waiting on the boy to get his socks, then so be it. Or maybe I need to make a chart? Shit…I’m going to need a chart aren’t I—a hardcore Supernanny Jo Frost-style chart complete with jars of reward stickers, high fives, and hugs. Or maybe I’ll just super glue them to his feet.

Or, maybe I’ll just chalk it up to the fact the boy’s head is constantly swimming with new information and is going a million miles an hour thinking about Mario, snow forts, biking, hating his sister, and whether or not his experiment in the freezer is done yet.

Maybe I should just go on Xanax.

AuthorSedg311 | Comment17 Comments |
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Reader Comments (17)

Oh my, I had to laugh at the Nanny Jo chart reference.
We just launched this whole ticket program in our house and a huge part of needing that was getting the girls ready and out the door to school on time. I will say, it's working but is going to cost me money.

Funny post.

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJamie (gimmethejuice)

I cracked up at this because my daughter is the EXACT SAME WAY!!!! Out of no where she will make a comment or ask a question that is so random you wonder if she is living on the same planet, much less in the same house at the same moment! Thank you for sharing and letting me know that I am not alone!!! (Zoloft is my drug of choice....along with wine at bedtime!!)

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLaura

You are just clue-ing in now that it takes 3.453 directions to get one child to put on their socks? Women have known this for eons! P.S. Most husbands run on the same operating system...so it's gotta be genetic!

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterManiacal Mom

Xanax, my friend, 'cause they don't grow out of this until they move out. :)

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterana

LOL, have you seen Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs? Maybe you can get Grayson some of that spray on shoes stuff. Would save you the hassle of socks :)

I have enough of a time dealing with my 3.5yo deciding to do everything HERSELF hence the simplest tasks take about an hour and if you try to help, just to speed up the process, you invoke the wrath of the Tantrum Gods...I think I will do a blog post on this. Thanks for the inspiration!

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

We are having the exact. same. day here. Baby Girl was asked to get dressed an hour and a half ago. She got sidetracked by the bathroom and forget to go to her bedroom after. A half hour later..." Baby Girl, go get dressed!" She gets dressed. Her socks did make it out of her bedroom, but landed on the table in the living room. "Baby, put your socks on!" Holds them. Gets distracted by dinosaurs on tv. "Baby. Socks!" "I ammmmmm." I start to read a story to the Dude. Baby Girl joins us..... sans socks. Book finishes." Please now, put on your socks!!" I come to the computer to renew some books online. Her and bro head to playroom. Your post just reminded me, so I called to her, "Are your socks on?" "One is." We're getting there....

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJacki (JackiYo)

Had to laugh at the "his experiment in the freezer". My son does this too! Sorry to say, Grayson probably wont grow out of this any time soon, as my son is 11. I wonder too about erecting a Chart a la SupperNanny... it never ends my friend, it never ends...

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTheresa AKA SleeplessInSimi

I say you go with the Xanax. It's like patience in a bottle.

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCathy

This post is SO timely as I just spent 20 minutes saying to my son over and over and over again pack your bag for school...he goes running downstairs...put your snow-pants in your bag...he puts his coat on...I thought my head would explode!

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMamaB

Before this post I always thought of you and your family when I saw this commercial. NOW I definitely will.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTpG37OvjFs

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCarnivalMonkey

We're at the point now where DS shouts "This is why I hate you! You ruin my life," after he finally gets in trouble after I tell him a zillion times to do something. It's special.

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEverrose

I'm still bitter that I didn't get the Von Trapp children the way I always pictured.

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

Have you been spying through my windows? I swear that you're telling my story here right down to the Super Mario thing. By the time I get to the 3 repeat of my instructions I'm pretty irritated; when I get to repeat number 5, I'm a ranting whacko with an eye twitch and a line of drool running down my front. This is when I get "geez Mommy, I'm doing it; don't need to yell". Please send some of that Xanax my way, will ya!

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKat (@kathym425)

"Nice job daddy. I said nice job daddy. Daddy! Daddy!" Hmmmm you must be watching football or porn or pretending you don't hear me when I ask you to fix something. Give the boy a break. He's just practicing for being a daddy, lover.

Seriously though nice job. Your posts always make me smile.

January 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the House

Bill Cosby said it best. "Brain Damage! Children are Brain....Damaged."

January 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterOpinionatedGift

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