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« Back to My Southern Roots | Main | Enough with the Candy! »

A Man and His Wiener

So I’m a man…and I’ve lived with my wiener for 34 years and over that time I feel comfortable in saying I’ve gotten to know it pretty well. I can’t say I’ve ever laid in a field, smoking a pipe, with a serious look on my face and reflected on my life together with the little fella. But when you have a son…you’re sort of forced into trotting down memory lane.

Many a morning I’ll be shaving as the boy walks in the bathroom in his little skibbies to take a wiz. The pants drop and there’s his little pecker standing tall and proud unleashing a child-sized stream of pee all over the toilet, floor, walls…. Ahhh morning wood at its best.

Woodies are just a fact of life as a kid – well, shit…actually throughout life. It happens, you don’t know why, and it doesn’t even enter your brain to care as a kid.

I remember when I was little and on the swim team, I was called “boner” by some of the older kids. I was all, “Hell yeah they like me. I’ve got a nickname and shit!!” Then I realized they always laughed after they called me Boner.

“Hey mom….what’s a boner?” Oh I remember asking that question to my mom like it was yesterday…..

Pubic hair was something I wanted desperately as a kid. I spent days praying at night that I would wake up in the morning with a virtual afro of pubic hair shrouding my man-wand, thus completing my journey into becoming Magnum PI (I always assumed he had a virtual forest down there cause…well cause it was Magnum P-fucking-I).

Over the summer I was taking a shower and heard the boy come in to pee. He finished, but I never heard him flush. As I opened the curtain to yell for him to come back and flush his stuff, I noticed he was still there, naked, looking down at his little pecker and pulling on a tiny little hair on his coin purse. “I didn’t know that,” he whispered.

Being the asshole that I am, I couldn’t resist scaring and embarrassing the shit out of him by saying, “Whatcha got goin’ on there sailor?”

“Daddy!!!!” he screamed as he ran off.

Then comes the touching. The constant rubbing of the package, I guess to make sure it’s still there. I remember after soccer games on the way home, my mom saying, “honey, you really need to try and stop touching it. Seriously…it’s not going anywhere and you’re embarrassing yourself.”

The boy is going through an introductory stage of that now….unlucky bastard.

But the part I’m not looking forward to….the masturbation. I remember giving it a try a couple of times and after a few minutes giving up cause nothing happened. But then the gift of having an older brother reared its head and the glorious day finally arrived where he one day said,

“You’re a fucking idiot. You have to use lotion moron.”

It was like the clouds broke, a rainbow came out, birds chirped a bit louder and crisper, and I was alive!!! For the next few years, I could not put my dick down. I was a man on a mission….and I can only imagine how many times my parents had wished they could shroud themselves in plastic when walking in my bedroom, or worse, my bathroom.

A man’s wiener is like an imaginary friend you have your whole life. It knows all your secrets, it grows with you, changes as you change, listens when you need a friend, reacts to all your emotions, talks you into things you probably shouldn’t do, and is by your side through thick and thin. High fives to my tiny little guy….thanks for being there bud.

Oh…and don’t forget, we’ve got our first therapy session at 5 p.m. today to deal with your separation anxiety from the wifey’s whoo-ha!

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Reader Comments (23)

Wow ... thanks for pointing this out and scaring the crap out of me. My boy is only two, so I was hoping for a few more years of ignorant bliss. Good job!

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commentercjaxon

This is the funniest damn post I have ever read!

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMonkeytoemomma

You truly are a rock star dad! bloggers,bthtbest t

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commentergrnladybug

Hells bells. Comment fail from my blackberry. I meant ur the best of the best of the daddy bloggers! Truly entertaining!

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commentergrnladybug

Now while I am quite fond of my boyfriend's morning wood, as it often results in some morning fun, I'm scared to death of dealing with the reality of my little boys' (as in TWO OF THEM godhelpme) discovery of what that morning wood can really do. Especially as they are all too familiar with the helpfulness of lotion because they've had eczema for years.

Thank you SO MUCH for freakin' me out of what is left of my mind.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTeacherMommy

Well fucking written my friend.

My son is only 19 months old but he's already got a nice rapport going with his twig & berries. I can tell it's the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterDaddy Files

WTF!?!?!?! men are such wieners! Literally!

Too fucking funny though. My husband totally feels the same way though and now we are dealing with our 6 yr old at the touchy phase. That and he is obsessed with boobs. Lord help the women of the world.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMegan

I totally loved this post! I have four sisters and two daughters so I am totally clueless about life with a weiner, yet oddly intrigued. Thanks for clearing up some of the mystery! While I am very fond of my vagina, I would love to have a penis for a day just to see what is so great about it!:)

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKisha

Growing up an only child (and a girl!) I have no experience with the joy of boys discovering their wieners. It looks like I've got adventures to come with my son. I think that I'll let my ex deal with it!

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKat

I'm glad I have girls. You always crack me up. Great post, as always!

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkathygee1

I can't leave a comment because I am laughing hysterically and cannot see through the tears in my eyes.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKirsten

HOLY CRAP!!! After wiping away many a tear reading this story I realized that having a daughter will be a whole other ball of wax... Instead of worrying about 1 penis I now have to worry about a 100 (hope she don't get into porn).

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter@AvionicsMan

Well THANK GOD when you have dogs instead of kids you can just cut their balls off. SO much simpler!

Does that make me a bad person?

Well, fuck it if it does.

See my balless little puppy here:

This may inspire me to write a post about rubbing my little hairless mound with soft toys when I was a kid...

Or MY memories of observing shy little spuds become flaming carrots.

Or about how I discovered I'm a fountain in my thirties...

Stay tuned.


November 6, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterittybittycrazy

The way my son yanks on his I hope it's still there when he's ready to wield it.

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

Dude, this is freaking hilarious (and SO true)! Every single paragraph brought back some wiener memory from my growing up, and now I'm watching my son settle in to life with his. I can only let out a sigh and be proud! Great post!

November 6, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMike

I have 2 boys. I can't tell you how many times I've said "It's not a handle and it won't fall off if you let go for 5 minutes."

November 7, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

cjaxon - sorry I made you scared of wieners...I was just trying to reach out and be a friend dear lady...enjoy your journey through wienerhood

monkeytoemama - thank you and damn what a freakin cool-ass name? is this a family name or are your parents just cool as hell, too?!

grnldybug - You are too kind and thanks for the gracious words!! Although I know in reality you've only read one daddy blog...

teachermommy... thank you for sharing with us all that you take advantage of Mr. Pokey for your boyfriend in the a.m.....we are all now a bit more jealous.. As for your little dudes...just look the other way and wear gloves when you change their sheets or wash their socks....that's the best advice I can give..

Daddy Files - thanks chief. Sounds like you got a good little dude on your hands. May his friendship with his package be as fruitful as mine has been.

Megan...I'm gonna let you in on a little secret...I too am obsessed with women's boobs. There..I've said it, it's out there for everyone to judge me....

Kisha - all right woman, here's the deal. I'll trade you my little fella for your southern regions and we'll do genitalia swap for a day. Maybe they'll even start a show called "Pecker/VaJayJay Swap"

Kat...while letting your ex deal with it is a fine idea, if the boy is in your life, you'll be forced to deal with it. Masturbation, touching, rubbing, humping, etc... knows no boundaries. I'm just sayin'.

Kathygee1 - thanks lady friend!!! You're such a loyal reader and I'm your biggest fan.

Kirsten - yet you found the strength to leave one anyway and that's why you're my strength in life. I couldn't go through each day without you lady!!

AvionicsMan - I'm with you on that, I have a boy & girl... it's gonna be a painful time during the teenage years....I think I'll be killing a lot of good young teen dudes...

ittybittycrazy - was that just a commercial for yourself on my blog? Sure looked like it. But I'll allow it since you had me at "mound"

Lotta - just make sure he doesn't wield that thing in my daughter's direction when he's a teenager....I sure would hate to have to kill your boy...

Mike - thanks dude!!! Glad to hear you have solid memories with your little fella. May the rest be merry as well.

Amanda - might fall don't know!!! what if it does, then you'll feel awful for not allowing them to hold it in place anymore....

November 7, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

When my son was young boy did we have talks about this.

November 9, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJack

Man, woodies are ALL THE RAGE at our house. My mom babysat the other day and my kid told her he had a surprise for her. Whipped his weiner out and said, "It's a woody!" I think she died a little inside. It also started an awkward convo with me and her about him knowing things at age four that she didn't know until 'much later'....

November 10, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVenti Vixen

Jack: I have no doubts we'll be talking about my boy's pecker for quite some time.

Venti Vixen - that is freakin' hilarious...I love your little dude...damn that's funny. I'm totally gonna do that to my wife when I get home from work..

November 13, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

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