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Back to My Southern Roots

So I’ll start off by apologizing to my blog readers who’ve given me shit (rightfully-so) for ignoring their giggle needs. I’ve had a rough 4 days…but I’m back!!!

So, my grandmother died. She was 90…I grew up with her as a huge part of my life….she rocked….and now she’s gone. But, she’s happier now so it was more of a celebration. Except, the celebration happened in Anderson, S.C.

Now let me just toss in there that I grew up in North Carolina. Born, raised, went to college, got my first job, first blow job, first relationship with a “little person and his pet horse,” first beer, first throw-up in front of my mom after drinking a whole bottle of MD 20/20 and trying to play it off like I had the stomach flu, first masturbation scene and first girlfriend who still journals about how badly I messed herup…all in North Carolina. So I love the state, SOME of its people, hate its ideals, wish the tobacco industry would rot in hell, and wish all racist bastards would burn a slow death. But other than that…I love it!

So my grandmother’s funeral was on Sunday at 3 p.m. An extremely convenient time for someone who lives in Chicago and has a boss that…well, let’s just say, gets inconvenienced by his worker’s personal life’s problems. But I sucked it up.

Saturday I hopped a plane to Raleigh, N.C., where my brother lives. My bro is just over 2 years older than me and has turned into one kick-ass friend. He’s got a wife who should be knighted for what she’s had to put up with, and two insane boys, 1 and 5 years old.

Long story short, we decide to drive to S.C. on Saturday (4.5 hour drive). We get there at 9 p.m. and meet my mother, her husband, and my godmother for dinner at Applebees. The Clemson game is on, everyone’s in orange, I desperately want a beer but no one else is drinking at the dinner table. Oh…and I’m also a vegetarian.

This seems to surprise a shit-ton of people, I’m not sure why, I’m guessing because I’m such an asshole they think I’ll tackle, kill, and maul any living thing that comes my way, but not so kids…it’s not so.

So the waitress doesn’t know this little tid-bit about me yet, which my step-dad loves to point out. So everyone’s ordering and it gets to my brother’s 5 year old who says, “I’ll have macaroni and cheese, and celery sticks.”


Then the waitress looks up from her pad with a horrified look and says, “You ain’t gonna eeaaat no meeeeeat?” in the worst southern accent you could imagine. Immediately my very southern step-dad says, “wait till you get to the numbskull next to him. He eats lettuce and beats too cause he’s a vegetarian!!!”

And the amazement ensued. How could anyone live a life with no meat?!!!!

The next day, we’re on our way to the funeral - me, my brother, sister-in-law, their 2 kids, my mom, step-dad, uncle, and his two kids (teenagers). We have about an hour before we need to be at the church for the family-only graveside service. So we decide to go eat and we’re following my uncle who claims he “knows where to go” for some eats. I shit you not…we pull into a fucking McDonalds.

Wearing suits, on our way to bury a loved one, we eat our lunch at McDonald’s. On top of it…again, I’m a vegetarian…at ……Mc….Donald’s.

After arguing with the zit-faced douche on how simple it is to just NOT put the chicken on my salad and how yes, “picking it off” is not OK with me, I finally got a bowl of lettuce, two carrot skins, what looked to be the boil off a tomatoe’s ass, and dressing for the low-low price of $8.

To top the entire weekend off, I decided on the 4.5 hour drive back to Raleigh starting at 6 p.m., I’d count the number of redneck-ass cars I’d pass that have Truck Nutz. Eight…yes…eight idiots felt they needed to overcompensate for their douchebagness by purchasing a pair of rubber nuts they could hang from their rear trailer-hitch to make sure everyone driving within a 40 foot radius knew their wheels were in fact a dude.

So to recap… I love the south…I’m from the south…..southern women are incredibly hot…my wifey is a southern woman….truck nutz…..McDonald’s…..I fucking hate Snuggies…..vegetarians should never try to live in the south…..Deliverance……inbreeding……..I have an alarm on my house so don’t try to break in and kill me, I love the south, I voted for Obama!!


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Reader Comments (14)

Hahaha....well, I was born and raised in the North, but a ton of my family lives in the south. There are still crazy rednecks here though, the mountains of Northeast PA are an interesting area I will just say that. The first day of hunting season is actually a holiday around here. I must say though, I love meat, and I couldn't live without it. I respect your decision though. SAY NO TO SNUGGIES, and McDonalds is fucking gross! Oh, and just an FYI I worked at BK and they put the veggie burgers down the same side of the broiler as the chicken.

November 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

I loved the Stupid Rednecks vid.. Lead beats Aluminum in roe, sham, beau LOL

November 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJess Mzfuller8's good to be born and raised in California. THAT world is so foreign to me I can't imagine. But I knew that being there would provide for a bag full of goodies for your blog. Once again...perfect job on the accompanying photos. I swear you should start preparing for your next career in writing.

November 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKim Jenkins

wow. i don't see enough flair here. seriously. plz. express yourself a lil better please :)
btw, you're grandmother was a striking woman. who lived a long life. and i am sorry for your loss of her.
now...let's get back to reality. is it beer:30 yet?

November 11, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterallconsoffun

Yeah, so being from north GA (born raised and still here) can i just say hahaahahahahahahahahahahahahaha ahahahahahahahahahaha

Sometimes i feel like a foreigner and i freaking live here!!! I keep telling people that the only reason a man would get trucknutz is b/c he is tired of his wife carrying his real one around in her purse! lol

You gotta love the south.

p.s. my cousin is vegetarian and i must say the funniest freaking thing ever is her going into McDonalds and ordering a burger with no meat. Yeah, hilarious!!!

November 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMegan

Hell fucking yea....the south rocks!!! I live in Texas! hahahahaha.....Shit you are so right with the meat, oh and in Texas people will give you shit if you don't drink Dr. Pepper (which I don't) and if you know nothing about football. And yes I voted for Obama!!!!!

November 11, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterbri_littlepage

Did you bring me some truck nuts?

November 11, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

No matter where you are from, going back there is hard.

If you think North Carolina racism is difficult, try growing up in South Africa!

My husband, Fluffy Bear, and I went back there a few years ago, and went to see a one man show by a great comic and political satirist, Pieter Dirk-Uys. There were some real country white boys in the audience. Pieter asked if there was anyone foreign in the audience so everyone got to meet my English husband.

After the show, one of the good ol boys practically sprinted up to Fluffy Bear and cornered him so that he could explain what a liar and a fraud Nelson Mandela was.

We all looked at our watches and talked loudly about the long trip home, and left.

I am sorry about your grandmother. My mother died a few years ago and was a wonderful influence on me. Read all about her here:


November 11, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterittybittycrazy

Are you sure you didn't really visit PA? Sounds an awful lot like living here.

I"m sorry to hear about your grandma.

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda


first off, sorry to read about your grandmom. she sounds like a beautiful woman.

second off, i'm from the SE, too! i moved to Seattle, then ended up coming back (to Ktown, TN) when my dad died in 2002.

third off, your writing is RAW. me likely. i'm collecting links for my site--you'll be one of them. i'll let you know when it's officially linked. keep up the good work... jco

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterjohn cave osborne

Sorry to hear about your grandma.

November 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterVenti Vixen

MaMaBennie - I always assume veggie burgers are cooked on the same grill at the same time meat is I try to stay away! Thanks for the tip dear lady!

Jess - that video makes me so happy it's fucking stupid.

Kim - damn you're a mighty kind lady. Thanks so much and please keep being a rock star!!

allconsoffun - my g-ma was a very beautiful lady - thank you for saying. And yeah!!! beer me!

Megan - haha - I'm totally steeling that idea next time. I'm ordering a cheesburger, hold the burger. God I hope there's not a next time....

Bri - wow...Dr. Pepper? I love how in the south every drink possible is a "Coke." Even the kids when they want milk will ask for "Coke."

Lotta - oh.....oh I've got some truck nutz for ya...

ittybittycrazy - wow...that's a scary dude... and sorry about your grandmother...very nice write-up dear lady

Amanda - never really been to PA...but I did go to Calamazoo one time... thanks for your kind words about my g-ma

John: wow - thanks brotherman!!! you're the shiznat!!!

Venti - thanks so much!

November 13, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

It's been a while since I've stopped by. I can so relate to this post though. My first trip home as a vegetarian was so annoying. My mom was really upset that we couldn't get the pizza half pepperoni and half veggie. She thought I was being unreasonable. Then she ordered chips/salsa at a restaurant and looked at me and said "Can you eat chips and salsa, Leslee?"

And luckily it was not me who threw up in front of my mom after drinking a bottle of Mad Dog, but my closest friend at the time! The funny part was how my mom praised my then boyfriend for being so polite and nice after he brought us home. HELLO...he was the one who provided the booze!

Anyway, I enjoyed this post being a North Carolina girl...who would even consider going back...

November 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLeslee Horner

Leslee - thanks so much...I miss North Carolina too, but I'm seriously enjoying being in Chicago. Thanks as always for reading dear lady!!

November 14, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

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