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Thursday
Nov052009

Enough with the Candy!

Candy, candy, contstant candy…

In the morning, “Daddy can I have a piece of candy if I eat ALL my cereal?”

And that’s followed by the sincere, but to-the-point explanation of why the candy cannot be taken from the bowl unless it’s following a lunch or dinner. And since the majority of lunches are at school, and we don’t want to be bothered at work from the principal claiming our children have climbed the flagpole 32 times in 5 minutes and are hitting up bums for pieces of chocolate and have the shakes…we reserve the right to dish out 2 pieces of candy following a delicious, nutritious dinner made with love by the wifey or I.

But…they…just…don’t….fucking…..get…..it…..

 So, we continue to deal with the fighting.

Yesterday I’m upstairs trying to iron my clothes cause it’s 2009 and I can’t rightfully say to my wife: “Woman….my work clothes have a wrinkle. Get in there and slap some heat on em!!” And I’m watching the Today Show cause …yeah, I watch the Today Show!!!... and I hear all holy hell breaking lose downstairs.

“But IIIIII should get a piece mommy,” this shrill little girly voice bounces its way upstairs pounding my ears and bringing me to my knees.

“I didn’t give him any candy Macy!!!” Now I know this voice well. This is the same voice that says things to me like:

“I asked you twice to please wash the dishes, yet you made the decision to….”

And – “Why is all this CLEAN laundry on the bedroom floor. You could have folded it with the time it took you to toss it on the floor.”

And – “Oh really? REALLY? I look ‘fine’ in this outfit? Not hot…or hawt…or sexy…or MILFy…but ‘fine?’ That’s what this has come to?!’”

So, fearing for my children’s lives, I decide to get involved. So with towel wrapped around my waste, shaving cream in my face, I bust all up in the argument.

“Hey – hey-HEY!!!!! What’s going on?!!”

Now I’ve been trying like hell for over a decade to break this woman…this saint…this goddess I call my wifey. And not even for a damn second have I seen the underside of that thick-ass shell she’s encrusted in that keeps us all shivering at night. But my kids…who have collectively been alive less than the number of years the wifey and I have been married…managed to do it.

Like a freakin 4-year-old…the wifey turns to me, holding an empty candy package and says, “Grayson picked up this old empty candy wrapper and Macy saw him holding it and thought I gave him candy, but I didn’t……I really didn’t and now everyone’s yelling at ME and I don’t like it and I didn’t do ANYTHING!!!”

Most people would have shat themselves…a few would have slowly sat down on the steps and started crying. If I was dressed, I would have said nothing and headed off to the train a few minutes early. But I manned up. I took control. I grabbed my virtual crown, threw that bitch on my head, put on the “look out cause the wrath of hell is coming down on your now” look on my face and I said, “The candy shall be thrown……AWAY!!!!”

And holy mother of shit did that unleash tears…. Even I had to bite my lip from crying at what a dick I’d become.

After pleading and negotiating, and reconfiguring the written contract originally drawn-up…we came to a conclusion. Candy will be given when the crying becomes too much, the parents can’t take anymore, and it’s the only thing that will shut everyone the fuck up.

After everything was signed, heads were in bead, snores were heard throughout sleepy land…I crept out to the ally with an evil grin on my face and threw everything but 12 pieces of candy away. Standing in the ally with my SpongeBob undies and undershirt with armpit holes I realized I’ve become that guy that hates candy, and therefore children, and therefore Halloween, and therefore all the awesomeness that comes with it. So I snatched the candy back out…ran inside…threw it back in their bowls and righted what was wronged.

I slept peacefull last night….but for shit-sake, don’t tell the wifey I accidentally dropped her favorite Twizzlers in our neighbor’s dog’s……

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Reader Comments (8)

I hate Halloween too. My kid thinks that since the sun is up it's candy time. I feel your pain.

November 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJames

Two nights of a screeching 2.5 year old who wanted her candy bag and refused to eat dinner, only to be starving by bedtime, which pushes bedtime either further away, which gives me little to no chance in hell to make out with hubby....Why do we make such a freaking big deal about this holiday?!

November 5, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermyturtledove

Hey, do what you gotta do.....Elsa is only 1 1/2 and knows the significance of candy. I wouldn't give her any cuz she didn't eat her dinner, and I have never seen such an evil little temper tantrum. She actually cried herself to sleep.....EARLY.

November 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

One child even THINKING that the other got something that they didn't is enough to start a house-wide war. One of my most often used phrases when protests of one getting more that the other is "It's not a competition!!!"

November 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKat

Monday morning I took the candy bucket while the kids weren't looking and hid it! They have not even asked for a piece of candy. I guess out of sight out of mind. Except in my case where I know the candy is hidden in my hubby's closet and at nap time I sneak in the room and eat about 10 pieces. You can't let candy go to waste. I LOVE HALLOWEEN but my ass will be regreting it next week when I hit the gym twice a day for the next 3 weeks. Good Luck with the candy situation and remember when you go to the dentist that it is his favorite holiday!

November 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmy Gilbert Pagan

That's why I love Thanksgiving--no gifts to buy and they eat turkey. ;)
P.S. Start thinking about writing that book because WhyisDaddyCryin blog days totally rock for me!

November 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBridgette

See, in our house we make the candy work for us...it's a bribery an incentive package that ensures total domination cooperation. On Halloween we were all, "Oh you can have (gasp) 5 pieces of candy...your choice." So they get all spoiled and stuff then Nov. 1 rolls around and we're all like, "You want 1 piece of candy do you? Well, I want the _____ cleaned. So what are we going to do about that?" Then in about a week we do the spoil them thing again and the cycle begins again until the candy is all gone. Oh, and as our fee of taking their little rears around the neighborhood begging for candy and buying/making their costumes we munch on our favorite pieces... That's how we roll.

November 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLaurie (@GoodByeGracie)

James - it's freakin painful huh? Like slamming your head against a wall - you get no where and it hurts like hell...

Myturtledove - you're talking about yourself right? with the screaming and not eating and only wanting candy and to bang your hubby?

MamBennie - candy is a double-edged sword. It's great for bargaining...sucks for sanity..

Kat - holy shit...we say that every day to our son. He competes for everything, first out the car, first to the car, first out the door, first to finish eating, first to get dressed....exhausting...

Amy - hiding would be great...but my son is obsessively counting the pieces of candy multiple times a day. He seriously knows every fucking piece that's in there and it's scary as hell....

Bridgette - you rock for me!!! thanks for the motivation...i would seriously love to do it....and might!!

Laurie...will you hold a class on how to be a fucking rock star parent? Cause I desperately need you to school me!!!

November 6, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

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