It's Puke Time!
Monday, November 23, 2009 at 6:37AM “TRASH CAN!!!!” – those were the words that had me sprinting out of bed like a mad man Saturday morning at the crack-ass of dawn. My precious little princess needed a bucket to bury her head in while she unleashed a fury of puke. She’d been puking since 1 a.m. – roughly the time my wifey got back from her birthday celebration with a friend while I stayed home with a feverish daughter.
I hate hearing her the daughter scream those words. I hate the pukes. I hate when you hold the door for people and they don’t say “thanks.” I hate pooping in public restrooms. I hate when you’re walking down a busy street and you trip on a crack and almost fall, but don’t and are then faced with having to play it off with a slight little jog like everyone’s really gonna believe that you just felt like breaking into a 14-step jog just for the hell of it on the way to work.
So she gets the trash can, pukes…..and pukes….then says, “I’m done. Wash-cloth!!!” And I take the trash can, give her a damp, cool wash cloth to wipe her face and mouth with. Then I tuck her back in bed and go sanitize the living shit out of myself.
Having a sick kid sucks. I hate it more than anything and I’ll do anything to make the kids feel better. But I can’t help but analyze the difference between the two.
Son
Usually he gets one good puke in his bed which wakes him up. Then he stand up, screams “daddy I’m throwing up!!!” while running like a naked banshee through the hall, puke spewing out his nose cause his hands are over his mouth, then he pukes all over the toilet. But from that point on – he makes it to the toilet every time. Of course he always has to announce to me…not the wifey, but me...that he’s puking.
Daughter
The princess in her takes over. She might as well say in her 14th-century voice, “Oh father dear!!! Father!! Please fetch my golden puking pan! Oh no silly man, not that one, the one mother and I bought the other day whilst in the city. Oh good God father, the ooother one. And it better have a shine to it. I had the butler shine it and if he didn’t well I will just have to get upset, now won’t I. Now hurry up father as I am going to vomit all over it. Bring it here. Now hold my hair and turn away…..I am a lady after all.”
As a kid I remember I couldn’t throw up until I had woken my mother and informed her of the impending toilet decoration I was about to unleash. She was one hell of a heavy sleeper. As soon as I’d get her awake, I’d tear-ass down the carpeted hallway and a good 10 feet from the bathroom I’d just let it launch. Like a dog pissing in his favorite spot in the house, I was drawn to this one spot at the top of the stairs where I’d puke every time.
The wifey’s gotten better, but for a while, she would always give the kids water right after they finished puking. And I’d be all: “Shnookums. You can’t give them anything to eat or drink or else they’ll puke it right back up. You have to wait for a while to make sure the puke bug is gone.”
“But she asked for water and she will get dehydrated.”
“I’d like you to take your shirt off. I’m actually asking you to…does that mean you’ll do it?”
“What is it with you and my boobs?”
“You've got a great rack, but don’t go getting all cocky. I have been known to visually enjoy other ladies boobs.”
“Our kid is puking and you’ve somehow managed to even turn that into a conversation about boobs!!! You seriously need to go to counseling.”
So long story short…we took daughter to the Dr. They said go to the ER. They wanted to watch her overnight. They did a shit-ton of tests. Originally they thought it was a urinary tract infection and/or flu. By the time the daughter came home they were convinced it was only the flu, but still weren't sure. We get test results back on Tuesday. Until then, she’s on tami-flu and antibiotics.
Thanks to everyone who send wonderful thoughts and continually asked about her over the weekend. I can’t even begin to tell you how awesome you all are. Thank you!!
Reader Comments (18)
I am so glad I don't have to fake jog when I stumble. That would suck!
Glad the little Princess is back in her castle. Hope the rest of the royal family can stay healthy.
too bad when I trip I ALWAYS faceplant....at least I give people a good laught right? I also had the punking spot in the hallway, cuz the only bathroom was downstairs and I could never make it...I didn't even try to wake my parents, cuz they knew when we were up. It was like a spider sense for my mother. Anyway, I am glad your daughter is home...it is always nicer to heal at home in surroundings you are familiar with. Hope she is better soon!
Glad she is feeling better; hopefully well enough to order you around today like a true princess.
One thing my kids do well? Throw up. They throw up in the middle of the night, move over to the other side of the crib, and go back to sleep. I find it in the morning.
I HATE puke with a passion! My kid starts puking and I RUN! One day at church my kid puked and the room reeked...what did i do...i went and got his grandma. I rick...I know
Loved the 14th century part.
Hope daughter is feeling better.
I never puked as a kid, the first time I remember puking was when I was 10 or 11 and since then I've only puked like 2 or 3 times in my life. I was the perfect child no puking.
My husband always pukes in his sleep just like your son. Luckily he always manages to aim it off of the side of the bed. That is, until he was diagnosed with sleep apnea. Now he just spews into his mask. Ew. TMI? I, however, am a lady and NEVER, EVER puke unless I am blessed with a baby. :)
I've had to endure my more than fair share of this. In fact, in our house, gastro bugs are usually referred to as Spitzen-Shitzen because one will always follow the other. Generally both of my kids are dignified spewers and make it to the loo before they release. However, there have been occasions when at 1.30am (or later) I've been scrubbing carpets to quickly get rid of the smell, whilst kid continues over toilet. I even remember an occasion where I found kid in bed covered in it. I simply stripped the bed and kept her in the sheet, dumping the whole load in the bath and turning on the shower - there was just NO OTHER way to deal with it. I would honestly rather deal with the shitzen than the spitzen.
And just for the record, you are a complete and utter hero. The closest my husband will get to spewing is either shout down the stairs to me to come up and deal with it, or open one eye to check that I'm already dealing with it or - most cases - sleep right through it.
Hope the princess feels good in lickety split time.
I can totally relate to your puke stories. My daughter is the ultimate drama queen and could win an Oscar for the sad, sorry look that she puts on when she isn't well. My son, though, is the one that usually has me getting out the mop. One time he woke up, sleeping on the top bunk, and couldn't get down fast enough. He ended up just sticking his head over the side (still half asleep, I'm sure) and let loose. The ladder was covered, it splashed his sister's bed and ultimately ended up in a pool on the floor. Give me blood, snot, poop; I can handle them but puke totally finishes me (gag!!!).
I haven't seen the tweets today so I'm not up to date. I hope that your daughter is doing better. There is nothing scarier than seeing your kid in a hospital bed and, believe me, I can totally relate to what you've been through. Get well soon Princess! xo
I have another sentence that will make a man jump out of bed quickly, as it did my husband. "Honey? My waters just broke."
Glad to hear princess is on the mend.
Sick kids are the worst. And your separation of boys and girls is true--in our house anyway. We have many, many puke stories. I'd share but I may puke thinking about them. We had a rotavirus outbreak once and all four were...well...never mind.
In all seriousness, I am sorry she had such a rough weekend! I hope she is feeling much better.
I am so sorry that you all had to endure the hell that is all-night vomiting. BUT at least she made it to the trash can and did not shower it all of the known free world. Know what I make my kids do when they say their tummy hurts? I make a pile of towels pallet right near the toilet (well close enough) and give them a garbage bag. I can handle peeling puked-on towels to rinse and wash AND cleaning puke on a bathroom tiled floor waaaaay more than bedding or carpet. I am such a FABULOUS mom. I hope you guys have a HEALTHY and restful Thanksgiving Weekend. :) Lisa
poor pukey princess. ok of all the fab videos u linked...the falls were the best. the bull kinda reminds me of u... like he's trying his best to dig it...and fuck there he falls. poor you. i mean bull. LOL
Nights in the ED with a your kid suck. I mean, beside the rabbit-turd-ice-cube-water they give you. I'm so sorry she was there and hope she is much better. I'll tell you from the wife's prespective, my kid in the hospital is the one thing that turns me INSTANTLY from "I am woman, hear me roar" to "Oh, honey, are you sure, sure, sure kid will be OK? I am so scared!". You sound like a good man and good dad.
I hope your daughter is feeling better now.
Puking kids suck. I hate puke. I can handle all the other bodily fluids the kids spew forth, but puke makes me want to puke right next to them.
Sorry that your little princess has been sick, but hopefully it'll soon just be one for the storybooks and she'll be bouncing around, asking for all manners of outrageous demands again. :)
Oh the joys of puke! So far I have only experienced some minor puking with my oldest. I'm curious to see if I will end up with some "princess pukers" eventually :)
Hope the little princess is feeling better!
You see! There it is...puke! You made it funny! That's why I come here! My seven year old son and yours must have attended the same puking class. Their modus operandi is identical.
I was diagonsed with sleep apnea nineteen years ago. I have used a Aveotsd every night and would not be without this device. I sleep without interruption through the night and wake rested and ready for the day.Which is major when you have 3 little children to keep up with 365 days. A few years back I read about Aveo TSD on `kiwi drug`news and their articles really helped me by answering most common questions to do with sleeping problems.