Earning Coins for the Bank of Nookie
Wednesday, November 18, 2009 at 6:06AM “All right kids – you ready?”
“Daddy, we’re gonna miss it – lets’ go!!” my son screams with a tear literally creeping from his eye.
“Dude, we’re good. We’re gonna be early….let’s just go!”
Thirty minutes earlier the wifey had just left in one of our two cars to arrive early to my son’s elementary school. Tonight is the holiday play for 1st graders, starring none only than my little red-headed rock star. The wifey bit the bullet to volunteer as an usher so that we could be guaranteed front row seats. A kick-ass move, promising nothing but great vantage points for pictures and a stunning view of all the MILFy moms scrambling to get pictures of their littler ones on stage. I promise I wasn’t looking.
So I’m at the door, fumbling through my “key bowl” looking for the one and only key to the car. And…yeah, it’s not there. Despite my repeated request that the car key serve as a stand-alone key from the wifey’s massive key-ring of no return, so that it will be free for use by whoever needs it….it has yet to happen. As a result, she took the only key we have for the car she DIDN'T take. The one I need in order to get my child to the play he’s supposed to be in for which this entire night centers around.
“We’re gonna miss it daddy!!! I knew it. I knew we’d never make it and that I’d miss it after all this practicing,” the boy screams as he kicks make-believe mommies and daddies in the air, turns red-faced, and somewhere in his mind imagines blowing us all to pieces.
“Dude…I’m on it…have I ever let you down?” The little angel on my right shoulder immediately says, “yes…remember that time that…”
“Shut up bitch!” I scream at right shoulder angel.
My son’s still crying, my daughter couldn’t care less and is pumped to score more time playing with her Lil Pet Shop critters. Me? Well I do the natural thing and call the wifey on her cell phone.
Now…out of all our monthly expenditures, the wifey’s cell phone is by far the biggest waste of money. Why? Well that’s a damn fine question…because she never freakin’ answers it. There’s been times where I’ve been with her and she opens her phone, see’s she has 8 missed phone calls and 5 voicemails and she goes, “huh?” Like she's amazed 1) someone called her, and 2) she missed it. She’ll go to work without it. She’ll plug it in to charge while it’s fucking off. She’ll have it soooo buried in her purse that it’s such a pain to dig out that she’ll just hear it ring and give up in pre-exhaustion of trying to fish it out.
Long story short…after five calls…there’s no answer.
That’s when I feel a thought coming on and coming on strong.....And then it hits!
“I’ll call @momomatic!!,” I yell!
Her son’s in the exact same play my boy’s in and they live only a few blocks away. So I call, she answers, and they agree to pick us up! Score for me!!
Outside the boy is pacing up and down the sidewalk, mumbling, crying, informing the world there’s no possible way in hell we’ll make the play, we should have all listened to him and left hours ago, and everyone within earshot is mean.
“Grayson! Do you have a watch?”
“No!”
“Do you know what time it is right now?”
“No Daddy!”
“Do you know what time your play starts?”
“DADDY!!!! No!!!”
“Then how in the name of all things SpongeBob, do you know that you’re going to be freakin’ late?”
“Cause…daddy!!! Cause it’s dark outside!!!”
We made it to the show with plenty of time to spare. My wife seated my daughter and I in our rock-star front row seats. As she handed us our program I said, “Oh…hey, before you leave…can I have the car key to the Nissan? I'd sure hate for you to leave me stranded at home without it!”
It took a sec to sink in, but when it did….I immediately deposited that “oh shit I fucked up” coin into the bank of nookie. Only 23 more coins and it’s go time!!!
1st grad play, cell phone, dad, daughter, keys, late, mom, nookie, son, strangded
Reader Comments (13)
hahaha that is why we have multiple keys for out vehicles....the spare for the Mercedes cost $65 but we didn't care, it is better than one of us being as you said "stranded" Hope that nookie bank fills up quickly for you, and I am sure she REALLY feels like a shithead after that 1.
Way to think on your feet there sport! But if that were me I'd still find a way to make that my husband's fault. Just being honest. But great post!
For the love of poor little G's sanity (thank God it wasn't Macy!) get another key cut. You know better. I mean, its Kimmy. Hello???
Oh I agree, that's totally your fault. You should have known she was going to take the key and stopped her. But nice try buster.
Um...Are you finally going to learn to get a copy made so you both have a set? Not only do I have set for both vehicles, I even have my own set for the run down truck of his at his MIL's. AND my 80 year old MIL has a set to both our vehicles (in case she's bored and wants to steal one while we're sleeping and scare the hell out of us).
Quit being cheap, and just get another set.
That was fast thinking daddy but what would have scored you points with all the MILF's is if you rolled up in a stretch limo. If you are gonna be big pimpin' you need a sweet ride.
Awesome blog sir!! Now go make dinner and bring flowers, I think that is 5 coins in the bank of nookie!
As "Mrs.AvionicsMan" (AKA tlchome)I can tell you that dinner and flowers would be a huge score in the 'bank of nookie'...he's just FULL of great suggestions. Walk the walk honey!
I think what everyone is forgetting is that if you WERE to actually go & have another key made (which does seem like the easiest solution, by the way), then you wouldn't have as awesome of a story to tell for the old blog, now, would you? It's better to just set yourself up for another possible scrambling around situation that leads to another hilariously told story by none other than one of the funniest damn story tellers around (uh, that'd be you). Very very funny, once again, mister! Keep 'em coming! ;-)
It is so nice to know that I am not alone in my lack of cell phone skills. I was amazed one night when I received a text message, still not sure how that happened.
Glad everything worked out and G didn't miss his play!
The Bank of Nookie- better watch out or the government might take over that one too. They are grabbing everything. ;)
mamabennie - I know...I've been cheap. I should buy a freakin' spare key...but damn it!!!
crazysahm - my wife has mastered making everything my fault. she learned it from watching you!!
myturtledove - maybe you can get me that for Christmas!!!
guavalicious - usually I'm damn good about looking into the future and predicting nightmares like that - but I just didn't have my a-game on damn it!!
kitterztoo - I love it when you yell at me...
Lady of the House - damn..I need you as a life-line. I never would have thought of a limo!!!
AvionicsMan - actually I'm only allowed to earn one coin a month.
Teri - are you about to bang AvionicsMan on my blog? Sweet!!! Go ahead, we'll all watch..
nuckingfutsmama - exactly!!! see you figured me out. I like to make various aspects of my life on the brink of becoming a pure nightmare so when it happens, I have material to write about!!! You're the shiznat little lady...the shiz-to-the-nat!
Leslee - yeah, you and the wifey should have a cellphone challenge. We ask you both to text the word hi to someone & whoever does it first wins!
Jack - oh hell no...NO ONE's gonna take my bank of nookie. I've worked too hard and too long to build that bad-boy up!!!
hilarious. absolutely great. you really are an awesome writer. i ALWAYS feel like I'm in the story. Although.. once you get the other 23 coins.... I don't want to "be " there. ;)
Side note: I have lost my keys so many times and locked my kids IN my car (before they were of age where they could unbuckle to let me in) on 100 degree summer days (twice) that hubby broke down and hid a key to my car under my car. Sad. I also have a key to the house hidden in the garage because I lock myself out of the house and car weekly. Who knew I was such a dumbass?