You're a Meany!
Monday, November 16, 2009 at 6:23AM So I’m officially a meany. How do I know? Well my son whispered it under his breath three seconds after I got upset at him.
“Meany,” he whispers while slowly glancing up just to make sure I was still drooling, sitting on the couch oblivious to everything around me.
I’m not really sure when that phase ends. The phase where you still believe if you’re not looking at someone, then they clearly can’t see you. Or if you mumble something, there’s no possible way in hell someone eight feet from you could hear it!
What my child is too young to realize is that I’m the poster child for ADD. I don’t miss a fucking thing. No….thing. If he rolls over in his bed at night, I hear it and wonder if he’s about to start puking everywhere. If the wifey sighs just a fraction harder than normal, the hairs stand-up on the back of my neck and I get queasy with fear. I can hear my neighbors two doors down having sex every other night…well…that might be because I have a video camera in the house, but I digress….
“Meany,” he mumbles, slowly looks up, and I can only imagine how badly he shat himself when he saw the look on my face.
“I’m mean?!! Really? I’m mean? Because I had to ask you four times to do the same thing and you wouldn’t do it so I raised my voice and now I’M MEAN?”
I remember as a kid getting in trouble and being chewed out and sent to my room. I’d be walking up the stairs and I’d stop and hold my middle finger up towards the kitchen where my dad had just reamed me. I was a totally bad-ass like that. I was all mumbling “fuck you!!!! Suck on this ya bastard!!!!,” while I grabbed my tiny package and shook it at him.
I’m still trying to figure out a way to rig a series of mirrors and cameras along the stairs to his room so I can catch him doing the same thing to me.
But then it sets in…. “damn….was I being a meany? I mean..he did kinda have a legitimate excuse. I know I said it four times, but in all reality, iCarly was looking pretty good on TV, there was a shiny object in the corner of the room, the cat did walk by, and old man Jenkins was cutting his grass creating some damn loud noises. So….there were quite a few distractions from him actually hearing me say the same thing four freakin’ times in a row.
So I start feeling bad…I want to call him back down, hug him and say let’s move on. But then what would that Super Nanny show woman say? In her British accent she’d be all, “you have to be consistent and stick to your guns.”
I always wonder if she’s like that in bed. “Paul…I’ve been naughty and you haven’t put my on my naughty stool yet. You won’t even spank my arse or give me a stern talking to. You must show me who’s boss of this house…and do it sternly, consistently, and while wearing leather.”
So I just let him sit up there and stew…while I stew…and try hard not to kick the cat.
And it’s always funny how the daughter acts like an angel after her brother’s gotten into trouble.
And then I let him back down…I do hug him…all’s good….we play, we laugh, and usually within 10 minutes I’m in the corner, naked, crying, and rocking back and forth….again.
ADD, daughter, family, father, meany, middle finger, son, super nanny, time out
Reader Comments (13)
Poor cat has to live in fear of being kicked for no reason? Geez...meany...
lol I feel your pain though..the DD#1 doesn't mumble it she shouts it from the roof tops and I of course shout "Oh I'll show you meany!" and pretend to do something horrible.. lol
My diatribe goes a little like these here ...
Meany??!! MEAN!! I am mean?? Me? the one that goes to school and eats lunch with you three times a week. ME? The one that (whatever amazing thing I have done that day, and there will be at least one of those)??!! I'm mean? Well, then maybe you will enjoy going to your room since you obviously wouldn't want to be around someone that is so mean! *grumblin under breath* mean, I'll show her mean ...
.... and then she says the really, really terrible thing "Daddy is the best"
haha....wow you are making me look forward to the future. My daughter is 1 /2 and already calls me mean. YOU ROCK!
nice work, brother.
PS super-nanny's a whore.
Brings new meaning to naughty stool...
Being called a meany really sucks. You can't even throw out the "Do you know how many hours of agonizing pain I went through to bring you into this world???" that I use on my teen daughters. LOL
Stay "mean" he will be a better person for it.
You kill me, as always. LOL
Glad I'm not the only "meany" haha. Although I don't get mad....for some reason I have a hard keeping a straight face. The 2/12 year old will say that a lot when she's reprimanded, but it just sounds so cute & her lil pouty face is hilarious I just want to laugh & then I'm struggling to keep it under control so she thinks I"m "mad". It's tough being a parent haha. Too bad they don't give us manuals....
You meany!!! LOL My husband is the meany at our house and when I'm mean mommy I get the "I'm not going to be your friend anymore!!!!" If you figure out how to do this parenting thing - let me know!!!
Stick to your guns kid!!! Until he is pointing one at you then you are fucked... My daughter hates me for 5 minutes when I give her shit. Then I am her super hero again. It is all good.
I consider myself successful if my kids tell me I'm mean or that they "hate" me. I'm not here to be their friend. I'm here to mold them into productive members of society when they leave my house. And yet, as much of a hardass as I am, they STILL push the limits.
Hahaha this cracks me up, and makes me nervous about having kids all in the same time.
Great post! Loved this line, "while I grabbed my tiny package and shook it at him."
MzFuller8 - that cat hates the site of my foot, my shoe...even the smell of my sock
cjaxon - haha - classic - I love when I yell at the kids and they say, "great! daddy's going crazy again."
mamabennie...oh, you have so so so much to look forward too. Just keep a bottle of Jack near by and you'll be just fine..
John - damn right she's a whore....you can tell by all those whip marks on her arms and legs
Laurie - everyone loves a leather-clad naughty stool!!!
kathygee1 - thanks lady... I can't use the ole "hours that I pushed you out" routine, but I can be all "do you know how many times I had to kick, and scream, and fight with your mom to get her to have sex with me so we could create you?"
Brittany - what? you didn't get the manual? wow...that sucks...you had to actually figure this shit out on your own?
Sarah - oh, I've figured it out. Act stupid all the time, make the kids laugh constantly, get pissed when appropriate, and teach my son to kill all boys that come within 10 feet of my daughter.
AvionicsMan - my dude's the same way...he's a huge fan again shortly after and all's good. I dread the day that goes away.
Amanda - that was damn well written and well said. Amen sister lady!!! Can you be my mommy?
Jessica - put the dick down and do not have kids. Let us live vicariously through you!! Actually - have kids...it's a freakin blast. i wouldn't change a thing!
Lotta - you're too damn sweet...thanks for stopping by and laughing at my tiny package