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Daddy, I Have to Pee

It’s the dreaded words I can’t stand to hear my daughter say…. “Daddy, I need to go pee pee.”

In my mind I immediately turn to a 3-year-old, throw myself to the ground, start kicking and slamming my fists, crying and screaming “I don’t wanna!!!!” But in reality, I suck it up, pack-up whatever the hell is around me, tell my son “come on dude, you might as well go, too,” then head to the nearest shit factory.

As a quick side note, my precious, darling little angel was born with the magical gift of needing to pee at the worst possible times – especially when it’s just me and the kids. As soon as food is served at a restaurant..she has to pee. Movie just started and we have all our popcorn, drinks, etc….she has to pee. Just climbed aboard the Metra to head into the city…yep, she’s gotta pee.

I’m fine with the boy. Once I taught him to use his damn zipper so his pants wouldn’t land in a heap around his ankles and in a massive pool of piss in front of the urinal – we were good to go. The daughter…well, she has to sit where dudes poo, pee, puke, and whatever other P-words you can think of.

I usually kick open the bathroom door while holding coats, popcorn, food, camera, and all the other kid accoutrements you can think of, and immediately announce, “all right…nobody touch anything but yourself. OK?!!!!” Which is then followed by a simultaneous “yes daddy.”

The boy heads off in his own direction. I then begin a frantic search for the cleanest shitter for my princess to place her precious bum on while also keeping an eye on her to make sure she really isn’t touching anything. I find one with only a dribble of pee on it. Score! Ripping toilet paper out like a mad man on a mission, I clean up after some douche who’s too lazy to use his foot to lift the lid. I stand back and admire the perfect little soft toilet paper seat and announce, “your majesty?! Your throne is ready.”

As she sits sideways on the seat – hands in her lap – I’m glancing around to check on the boy who’s already washing his hands. Score again! I hand over a wad of toilet paper, she gets dress, I kick the handle to flush it, we wash our hands, and we’re done!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to throw a diaper on the girl before taking her out by-myself. I’ll never do it though – mostly because I’m confident someone would notice, call TMZ and Parenting Magazine, and next thing I know I’ll be on Oprah crying and telling the world what a miserable wretch I am because I hate taking my daughter into the men’s room to piss. Instead…I’ll keep cleaning up after sick fucks so my daughter can keep her kidneys healthy. And one day, hopefully she’ll return the favor by choosing to continue lifting me to the toilet rather than putting me in an adult diaper.

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Reader Comments (17)

This? This is golden. And not like golden showers. Eww, I grossed myself out. But this is good shit really..dammit, another pun. Forget it. I mean, this is awesome. And I feel your pain. Please use Purell. :) ~Susan

October 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSusan (woo222)

Oh my gosh Grayson is soooo cute!

October 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

Boys are so nasty. Although I once worked for a company that had such a problem with the LADIES room in the warehouse that we (management) had to lock the door and unlock it at break times to keep the "mess" down to managable. Ewwwwww.

October 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMartie

Awesome just awesome! I love the kicking the door in bit! and of course every princess needs her precious bum to only touch a toilet seat covered in tp! What a dad! We should share high fives!

October 12, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMzFuller8

Klare is so curious about public bathrooms now. If I turn my back for a second, shes putting her doll on the potty to pee. How the hell to you clean a doll? Eww. Pretty sure she'll be squatting like mommy in a few years. Ha!

October 12, 2009 | Unregistered Commentermyturtledove

Susan - it is golden & the can say it, it's cool. Purell is always with me - no matter where I am...

Lotta - Grayson is one cute, badass kid...I'm not scared to say it..

Martie - I think people in general are fucking nasty...or have a tendency to be. I'm glad "management" stepped in in your keep that shit down to a minimum - literally..

MsFuller8 - hell yeah I kick the door in - I'm not touching that thing...not coming or going. Big time high fives lady - I'm sure you do the same for yours!

MyTurtledove - you don't clean the leave it where it lies and just just deal with Klare screaming and crying... Wait till #2 comes along and you have to keep your eyes on two of them trying to pee at once in a public nasty.

October 12, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

Dude, you sooooooo need one of these!

Or this

TP?? What were you thinking??? My always discover the syringes that get left in public loos but fortunately, they know that if they touch anything in a vile public lavvy, they lose their eardrums as well as 2.5 layers of skin whilst I scrub the fingers, followed by stinging like hell when I put the hand sanitiser on!! Yeah, I know, I'm a hero mom and deserve a medal. What can I say??? !!!!

October 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJabulani

bollox! Sorry, forgot to make them links! Just cut and paste ... cut and paste!

October 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJabulani

LOL....My sister always brings the travel clorox wipes with her into public bathrooms, and wipes things down, and she also carries a travel pack of toilet seat covers (you actually can buy those). Makes going to the bathroom in public very quick and easy for the ladies because you don't have to make the toilet paper seat cover with the cheap ass toilet paper that they have in the restrooms nowadays. Charmin makes some of the toilet seat covers, or you can go to the children's section, and get like Dora the Explorer and such other characters (near the training seats). That might make it a little easier for you.

October 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

I agree girls do not belong in the Mens Room. Besides the pee she has to slosh through to get to the toilet you have to cover her eyes so she isn't see some dudes wiener. Keep up the good work Daddy!

October 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJeni~Duchess of Blog

I so needed to visit your blog today for the laugh! Boy oh boy what a week and it's only Tuesday. Anyway, so funny! I think of this every time I leave the girls with Mark and always wonder (though I never ask) how he handles it. And my Callee is just like your daughter. The only time I wish I had sons is when I'm taking them to the bathroom for the third time during one lunch!

October 13, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLeslee Horner

Jabulani - ummm..If I saw a syringe in the bathroom - I'd grab my kids and run to the nearest tree for them to piss on....I love those links though..but you still have to clean those things. I mean - you just put them on the piss covered toilet...unless you just leave them there...

MamaBennie - I love the idea of the Clorox wipes...I also love when I get home from a very hard day's work, my feet hurt, and someone just pops outta now where and gives me the most incredible foot massage ever!!! Can you find a solution to that one too?!

Duchess...i never let the little lady see weiners - come on now. And believe me - I'm the only one sloshing through the pee - I'm carrying her keeping her out of harms way. Give a brother some credit woman!!!

Leslee -'s best that you don't ask Mark how he handles it. He might have already resorted to my original thought - put diapers on her..

October 13, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

And I thought taking my children into the women's bathroom was bad........I never considered how much worse it must be to have to take one's daughter in the men's room.

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAngie

Haha well, the only thing I can tell ya for the foot massage is to get one of those massaging foot bath things. They do feel pretty good.

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

Angie - it sucks either way - men or women...just plain gross...

MamaBennie - if I got one of those..the wifey would confiscate it. She likes to keep me miserable...I"m more productive that way.

October 14, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

OME! your little boy is so stinkin' cute! look at that hair. prreeecciouusss.

i feel your pain though. my son starts doing the peepee dance at the most inconvenient times. usually when there isn't a bathroom around. sometimes, this is fine. he can just whip it out and go. all's good in the hood. although, this practice sent him some mixed messages. case in point: one day this past summer, we were in our backyard, and sage (that's my son) decides he has to poop. so he pulls down his swimming shorts, squats, and poops in the rocks.

not gonna lie, it was kinda awesome. i wish i could get away with shit like that (pun intended).

October 28, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteryoga ninja mama

yoga ninja mama - Sage is a kick-ass name and a kick-ass dude. if I could get away with shitting in rocks in public, I'd do it religiously. There's nothing better than squattin' a grumpy in public.

October 28, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

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