If I Put a Dirty Mag Under the Pillow Can I Get Sex?

Yeah – that’s the question roaming my distorted mind this week after my wife grew a wild hair, fertilized by none other than our dear friend Mom-O-Matic. My 6-year-old and her 6-year-old spent some time together this week. My boy learned that his buddy put on his Curious George hat and put a shark’s tooth under his pillow to see what would happen.

Well – Mom-O-Matic is the smartass of all smartasses. Her kid woke up the next morning with a can of tuna fish under his pillow. Fucking genius right?!

So what does my wife do? Oh – she tries to one-up that shit. My son puts a shark’s tooth under his pillow. Puts his sweet little red-headed melon on his night-time soft cushion and hits the dream world hard. Meanwhile, I slip downstairs to obsess about how incredibly slow my Twitter followers are growing, while the wife sneaks out the back to hop in the car and go buy…..fucking fish.

 

We have four humans in this house, one cat, and one bathroom. That’s 4 asses to be wiped, one litter box, and 5 mouths to feed. But we need more?!! And…and…and!!!!!!! Anyone with 2 or more kids knows – you can’t provide for one, without providing for the other.

Long story short – son wakes up – thinks he’s seen the second coming of Jesus, daughter says… “awwww – I should have put a shark’s tooth under my pillow.” And then does so that night. Wife runs out on night two – buys fish tank and fish…but this time (here’s where she can’t fucking help but one-up) – she buys a much more pimped-out fish tank than the boy has. Yeah…I know…you’re saying the same damn thing I said – “are you on crack woman? Grayson’s gonna produce a shit-storm in the morning when he sees Macy’s chromed-out fish tank!”

Our daughter woke up to a gold fish in a large flower vase filled with clean water.

I guess the moral of this whole story and why I’m bothering you with its contents is to announce I am effectively today, starting a test…..or to seem more scientific – an experiment. Tonight I will start easy and place a Playboy under my pillow. The next night – a blow-up doll. And I’ll go from there. God-willing…I will experience the same joyous, wonderful, and mind-numbing experiences my adorable children experienced. If not....well…..well I guess there’s always the interweb machine.

I Saved My Kid's Life!!

Our family has officially perfected the ability to never lose one another in public. As I write this I’m realizing how blatantly I’ve now pissed off the jinx yourself gods.

In the movie Robots, there’s a scene where the two main characters crash a party to try and talk to Big Weld. Before going in they agree to scream “Cuh Caw” is one or the other person needs help. And there our family safety words were born.

At first it was a kind of a joke. I was at the store and my wife and daughter got separated from my son and me. So I loudly screamed “Cuh Caw!!” Immediately my son copied me and started loudly calling “Cuh Caw!!” Five minutes later the entire store wanted us dead and we found the other half of the family. The wife….annoyed as shit. The daughter…..jealous she missed out on the screaming and quickly made up for it by yelling “Cuh Caw!!” for the next 20 minutes.

My wife is a huuuuuge wanderer. If I blink a split second longer than I should, she’s gone. So this extremely handy calling has come in handy many, many times. In fact, here’s a list of a few of them:

Jewel Osco                                          The Park

The Field Museum                                During Sex

Target                                                  On Bike Rides

Downtown Downers Grove                  On the Metra

Our House                                           Shedd Aquarium

Noodles & Company                           Wrigley Field

cuh caw from Why Is Daddy Crying on Vimeo.

You get the drift. But this past weekend I saw that while hearing my kids scream Cuh Caw throughout a store is annoying for everyone except me, it’s also a damn fine safety feature.

We were in Target. My wife was 20 yards ahead of me, I was keeping an eye on her while holding the boy’s hand, and glancing behind me to keep an eye on the girl who was lagging. I noticed my four-year-old daughter had lost site of us and was looking around with a worried look on her face trying to spot us.

Immediately she put her hands up to her mouth and yelled “Cuh Caw, Cuh Caw!!”

The crisis was quickly overted, but a lesson was learned. Despite my wife's constant bitching of how I'm ruining our kids lives, I actually saved one that day. Kinda like Saving Private Ryan....or...something. Whatever - all I know is....when anyone in this fam hear's "Cuh Caw".....we alll come running.

*as a side note, if you know us and see us out in public - please don't fuck with us by yelling "Cuh Caw".....we'd be up shit's creek for sure....

Thanks!

Time on the Bike

My six-year-old is turning into a biking fanatic—which I’m absolutely loving. After my long commute every day, I walk in the door, usually sweating, dying for a beer, and hoping to smell a waft of freshly cooked dinner filling the air. Instead I usually see my daughter watching SpongeBob, no beer in the fridge, the smell of cat, and my son screaming “can we go for a bike-ride dad?!!! Can we pleeeeeease??!!”

                  

The longest ride I’ve taken the little bastard on is about 18 miles. Now keep in mind he’s on a little kids dirt-bike. Nothing fancy, no bike shorts to protect his precious hiny, no gloves for better grip, no bike shoes to help provide efficient pedaling…..just a helmet and a bike. And he loves it—begging for more when we’re done.

Along the rides I have the best fucking talks and the shit that comes out of his mouth is so cool and unexpected sometimes.

Along the Salt Creek trail he’ll say – “OOOHHH! This is my favorite part – look at the cool trees and how green everything is. Over here is where we usually see deer. I love the woods.”

And I’m all, “Yeah – it’s pretty awesome Grayson,” while I’m choking back tears and trying to keep a manly appearance.

On a ride the other day I said – “Hey, you could be Lance Armstrong for Halloween.”

He said – “Or, I could be that blonde headed woman who dropped my favorite toy the other day and busted it all over the floor.” He was talking about my wife dropping his favorite toy, breaking it and all his hopes and dreams along with it. Totally fucking random, out of the blue, and cool as shit. I love minds that work randomly and even more when he can work it into shit.

So I’m going to keep taking the bike rides. My struggle is giving him choices that allow him to take it up a notch without seeming like I’m pushing him. I’m trying to be the opposite of how my dad was. If it was my dad – he’d buy him a 10-speed with all the gear then yell at him to train harder, do better, and if I didn’t, he’s stop coming to my races cause it’s “a waste of his time.”

Regardless if he takes it to the next step or not, I’ll continue to soak in every damn word that random kid says and keep riding his back wheel through the woods.

What I Learned From Watching SpongeBob SquarePants

I remember when my son was first born I swore to myself, my wife, and any other poor soul that had ears, that I’d never let my kids watch garbage TV. And SpongeBob SquarePants was always my prime example…..my picture on the picket-sign touting garbage TV as the destroyer of our children’s minds.

Those rants were usually done as I lay sprawled on the couch, with a beer, watching the Family Guy, Simpsons, or Saved by the Bell or what-not. Don’t judge me….Saved by the Bell freakin’ rocked.

Now – I get more excited to watch SpongeBob than my freakin’ kids do. I’m exaggerating, but I will watch it. And in doing so – I’ve learned the most amazing life lessons.

As a gift to you – here are ten of them:

1) Always hang around someone a hell of a lot dumber than you are – it makes you look smart and stuff.

2) Gravity can still kick your ass underwater.

3) All squirrels are born with Texan accents

4) A life of celibacy turns you into a happy-go-lucky, burger flipping idiot

5) Mr. Crabs and Kernel Sanders are the only two jagoffs left on this planet obsessed with their “secret ingredient.”

6) You can cry actual tears underwater.

7) If you remain a closet homosexual you’re whole life you’ll end up angry, bald, alone, big nosed and hating sponges.

8) If your arms fall off, you can simply put them back on—voila!

9) Crabs can asexually give birth to female whales

10) Dubbing over Casablanca, Singing in the Rain, and the Godfather with SpongeBob character’s voices is fucking hilarious.

Music Obsession Meets Old Videos

As all new parents do....we documented the hell out of our children's first words, falls, shits, walks, laughs, and insanity. I have about an hour commute every day to work. Along that wonderful, adventurous journey I listen to a ton of music - 90 percent of which my brother claims is "shit" cause he can't pull his head out of the 80's ass.

But along that journey I listen to songs and lyrics and I can immediately connect them to moments in our family's life that make sense...or just flat out fuckin' rock.

Recently I've melded my obsession with music and film. These two films are rookie at best....but they at least give you a taste of the path I'm venturing down. One is low quality....other, is painfully short but filled with potential.

Enjoy kids!

Christmas 2007 from Justin Lyons on Vimeo.

Grayson - A Father's Confessional from Justin Lyons on Vimeo.