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Grow The Hell Up Already!

The other day the wife and I stood up from a two-hour session of financial budget crunching and strategery to stretch, high five over renewed resolutions and try to ignore the suckness that is adulthood.

It was about that time our boy came down stairs to inform us of his struggles with having to give up half the pack of gum (per my request) to his beloved sister.

This would eliminate two whole pieces of gum from the boy’s life.


Pieces of gum…

Causing much sadness, regret, torture and just outright anger.


For shit-sake…GUM!!

It’s moments like this that you want grab the precious little angel by the neck, strap him in a chair and introduce him to the vicious world of bills, jobs, commuting, groceries, dogs shitting all over your yard, babysitter fees, and taking a shower hoping for sex only to find out tonight’s “Netflix’s mega-shownight!!” only to find out hours later that your wife made that whole damn naming convention up.

There are times when the girl is breaking down because we want to comb her hair so random lice-infested birds flying by don’t claim her furry skull as a future home.

There are times when the boy can’t believe his father met him at the school bus in his 1991 shiny blue running tights and shirt picturing a huge sandwich with SILF written under it.

I remember as a kid believing my world was going to end because I had to wear a pair of “jams” my mom made that puffed out in the front like I had a “butt in front.”

I was devastated.

Probably the most common phrase ever muttered between parents is “if only I knew how miniscule my problems were as a kid.”

But we still appreciate them and understand them because we were once there.

We panicked when we walked into school with the knock-off Members Only jacket.

I freaked when kids called me names on the soccer field.

For shit sake my most favorite song for years was “The Rainbow Connection” by Kermit the fucking Frog!!

But I keep telling myself and the kids…this time…is just a blip on the radar of your life.

Years from now we’ll be drinking beers at a pub with the kids while laughing over the fact they’d fight over some dorky game called Angry Birds.

Or that the kid who bullied them in the school bathroom now pummels their Facebook page with Amway products.

The hardest part is not telling your kids to let the bullshit parts of childhood roll off their backs…it’s instilling the strength in them to believe in themselves.

I for one am guilty as hell of that.


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Reader Comments (8)

I'm pretty sure this your attempt at a Whitney Houston tribute. "Teach them well and let them lead the way.............."

P.S. I love that you're writing.

February 15, 2012 | Unregistered Commenter@ieatmykidzsnack

Ahhh, the Only Members jacket. Never as cool as the original. I will never forget how much I hurt my mom's feelings by standing off to the side when she came to pick me up at school in 8th grade because I was so embarrassed of our rusty, hand-me-down car. Kids view of the world and what is important is definitely skewed sometimes.

February 16, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMel

I had glasses since I've been a little kid. On my very first day of school, my mother surprised me. With a shirt. A shirt she made. A shirt with glasses on it.

So I'm thinking, I hate these glasses and you want me to wear another pair of glasses, too?

And now hipsters wear Clark Kents.

Great post. Kermit rules.

February 16, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAlan

My house is a constant battle of kid upon kid, kid upon parent, kids upon parents, parents upon kids and parents upon parents. My son recently was upset for 2 days because of a hair-cut. At this point in my life, I am thankful that I have hair and don't care what it looks like.

February 18, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterReal Dad

"Or that the kid who bullied them in the school bathroom now pummels their Facebook page with Amway products."

Haha this recently happened to me. He tried to recruit me into his "business" after finding me through a class reunion site. I felt so bad for the guy and where his life has ended up, but no thank you. I studied during class and don't need to resort to bottom of the barrel.

February 20, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSedge | noob-dad

All I can think is that I wasn't even allowed gum when I was a kid. Tell them that.

Dude, I have missed this blog!!!

February 23, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterThe Animated Woman

I feel betrayed quite often as an adult, no one warned me that being a kid was way better. Stay young kids for as long as you can!!!!

February 25, 2012 | Unregistered Commenteralaina

This is hilarious. I remember wanting to choke my son when he had a screaming crying fit because the shoes he wanted to wear to school were covered in mud and we didn't have time to clean them. He had to wear a different, almost identical pair instead. He might have only been four, but this was ridiculous.

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