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« Grow The Hell Up Already! | Main | The Punishment »

Death, Vaginas & Religion - Oh My!

Every year my father gives me a $50 gift certificate to The Fresh Market. He has one right near his house in North Carolina. But in Chicago, where I live, the closest one is an hour away.

So, I decided to make the road trip with the 9-year-old boy so we could have some dude time.

The following is a so very true conversation we had on the way there:

The Boy: “Daddy, do you think I lie?”

Me: “Absolutely not. You’re the kindest soul I know…well, except for when you’re beating the ever living hell out of your sister.”

The Boy: “Yeah. Sometimes I just can’t help myself. Especially when she walks around the house singing!! I just want to scream!”

Me: “The fact you don’t lie is one of the greatest qualities about you Grayson. Even if it gets you in trouble you always tell the truth. Don’t lose that.”

The Boy: “I do lie sometimes.”

Me: “When?”

The Boy: “Like when someone’s opening a gift I gave them and they’re asking me what’s in it. I always lie and say a car or a dog or something stupid like that.”

Me: “That’s not lying my man. That’s just being a cool guy.”

The Boy: “Do you believe in a second life?”

Me: “You mean reincarnation? Where after you die you come back as something or someone else?”

The Boy: “No, like a life in heaven?”

Me: “I think the better question is do you believe in that?”

The Boy: “I do. I think there’s a second life.”

Me: “Then that’s what matters. What you believe in is what you use to guide your own life, your own decisions and to decide whether you’re living your life the way that makes you feel good about yourself. You don’t use it go judge people. Everyone’s different and believes different things. But we’re all human beings who deserve to be loved while we’re here on this big round blue ball.”

The Boy: “What big blue ball? You lost me with that.”

Me: “Earth son. Earth. You know…what with all the water on it and what not.”

The Boy: “How did mommy’s daddy die? Mommy said it was something with his heart.”

Me: “He killed himself son. He struggled in his life and made a very bad, selfish decision. Now he’s not here to watch mommy be a mother to you. He’s not here to meet you. But we love him anyway. And…if that hadn’t happened, I never would have met your mother and you wouldn’t be sitting here right now.”

The Boy: “That’s sad.”

Me: “It’s very sad. But your mom’s an incredible woman and continued living her life and is now the best mom you could ever dream of having.”

The Boy: “Yeah, she is awesome. Sometimes I call girl’s private areas a butt in front.”

Me: “What?!!!!”

The Boy: “Yeah, it looks like a butt crack in the front area.”

Me: “It’s called a vagina son. It’s not a butt crack.”

The Boy: “A…vagenia….a what?”

Me: “You have a penis that you pee from right? Well, girls have a vagina and they sort of pee from that area, kinda.”

The Boy: “Do babies come out of there too?”

Me: “Good talk Grayson. I think it’s time I introduce you to Led Zeppelin’s fourth album while we fart and burp and act like total dudes the rest of the way to the store. I love you dude.”

The Boy: “I love you too dad.”


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Reader Comments (13)

I love the abrupt change of directions . . . life after death, the permanence of suicide, the inner strength that those who have survived the suicide have, then front-butt.

Boys amaze me. And I am one.

February 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJohn

Great day your son is awesome! And you are an even more awesome dad!!

February 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAmy1N

I'm pretty confident you're not qualified to speak about vagina. I hope you consulted your wife.

February 13, 2012 | Unregistered Commenter@ieatmykidzsnack

This actually made me tear that burping, farting dads and sons kinda way. Nice job papa. :)

February 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterToni

I love conversatiins with my kids that have no direction and no rhyme yet are important!

February 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterManiacalmom

When my daughter was about 8 she watched a movie with my husband and they were talking about the village girls that were virgins. She asked my husband what a virgin is and he totally bailed, he told her that the virgins were the girls that did not have their own huts.

February 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterVivian Pitschlitz

How utterly, utterly delightful. So open, so guileless! He sounds a dear, wonderful little boy, and you are an absolutely marvellous father. And that is the sort of father-son memory the two of you will laugh about for many many years to come.

February 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJohn O'Neill

You are an awesome Dad.... Nice way to get out of that discussion though LOL :D
Butt cracks in the front now that is genius!

February 13, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterGayletrini

My son will be born in 7 weeks. I hope he's cool like this, if not, I will silently cry. At first I wanted a girl, but then I remembered all the manly stuff I get to do by having a boy.

Super excited; can't wait.

Oh, enjoy your blog as well. Not as 'lovey-dovey' as a lot of other dad ones are. Good job.


February 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSedge

Beautiful. And so you.

February 23, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterThe Animated Woman

That's so great. You're an awesome Dad. How did you manage to answer every question right???

February 25, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterLori

Kids are hilarious. I love the stream-of-consciousness style conversation. Well-handled, dad. Especially the "front butt" comment. Priceless.

March 12, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

Lol, what a great kid. Incidentally, he's being very cool and British with the "butt in front" thing. Over here (I am an American living in England) its a very common thing to say "front bum" for a girls genitals. :)

March 14, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBecky

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