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« The Eye-Closed Talking Doctor | Main | My Loud-Ass Son »

Thanks Super Moon

So, this past weekend we got a big ole fat taste of Super Moon.

This wonderful phenomenon only comes around every 18 years according to the Interwebs.

Let me just say I’m a huge believer in that full moons screw with people’s minds. Anything capable of controlling the ebb and flow of massive bodies of oceans is one badass mother and surely able to toss our little watery brains off kilter.  

And it’s not just that Super Moon is a one-night phenomenon – no! It’s a slow build-up and release.

Prove it?

You got it! Here are some concrete examples:

1) This past Saturday I woke with a somewhat typical “morning man issue.” I got up, managed to use the facilities, got back in bed and slept for another hour. When I woke…my morning man issue was still “standing strong.”

For the next four hours my little buddy stood proudly making even a heavy-duty prescription of Viagra jealous of me. Only two things have the capability of doing that to me….Jennifer Aniston, or Super Moon.

2) I got a zit…ON MY KNEE!

Who in the holy hell gets a zit on their knee?

I immediately called Guinness World Record s and was all, “yeah, that’s right, on my knee. A zit, on my knee. Whitehead, red around the sides…I’d take a picture, but that would require me to move and I’m scared to bend my knee cause it might make it pop!”

Apparently they don’t keep track of odd zit locations on people’s bodies. Picky bastards.

3) Rebecca Black is sweeping the world with stardom. This talentless 13-year-old girl whos mommy paid $2,000 to have a professional video made of her daughter’s horrific celebration of a Friday has dominated the internet AND is climbing the top 25 music downloads on iTunes.

Only Super Moon has the ability to sway that many people into making such a horrific choice in music.

4) Super Moon saved Charlie Sheen!

Think about it…he’s rumored to be getting his old job back, Fox is supposedly offering him something, his wife dropped the restraining order, he broke a world record for selling out his one-man show tour…

Charlie Sheen’s luck didn’t start turning around until Super Moon rolled up!

I could probably go on for hours, but I’ll spare you.

The point is, 18 years from now when Super Moon starts making its badass journey to a nighttime sky near you, remember what it’s capable of.

Respect Super Moon.


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Reader Comments (12)

Nothing odd happened to me during this supermoon event, at least nothing that I can recall right now. I might think of something ... but the residual effects might be that nothing is going right for me this morning.

March 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterC...

I think I was spared the Super Moon powers because it was covered by clouds.

xo Susie

March 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSusie Kline

Holy hell that's a horrible song. congrats on the rest, though :)

March 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterStuperb

I went camping (indoor, thank GOD) with a crapton of Cub Scouts during Super Moon. At 9000 feet, so we were even closer to it. And my son is the poster child for ADHD.
How I'm not a raging alcoholic after this weekend is a miracle.

March 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJen

You totally gave me the laugh I needed to start my day you are a winner!

March 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMJ

Your little man is hilarious! And Rebecca Black, well......

March 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCopper Etiquette

I knew there had to be a reason for the Rebecca Black phenomenon.

March 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJohn

If only Super Moon mojo could be bottled; it would leave Viagra in its dust! You must have had Wifey's attention that morning LOL

March 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKat

You forgot anal leakage. I'm pretty sure the Super Moon was the reason you ran with adult diapers. Or is that normal?

March 22, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter@ieatmykidzsnack

hahaha... Yes, the SuperMoon is not to be messed with. Charlie Sheen should totally have the SuperMoon on his payroll.

March 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDiapersintheDesert

That crackhead got his job back? It must be the work of super moon!

March 23, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJess@StraightTalk

Rebecca Black is frickin awesome. It's about time pop music started catering to the preschool set.

March 23, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDana K

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