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My Loud-Ass Son

What’s a normal morning like in our humble little abode?

Our family slumbers peacefully as dreams of bunnies, cotton candy, and Jennifer Aniston fill the air.

My eight-year-old son slowly raises his head, steadies his eyes and surveys the room to see if there’s even the slightest smidge of sunlight creeping through the blinds.

He then climbs backwards down the ladder from his loft.

Half way down he stops, places feet side by side, then leaps landing firmly on the ground as if this swan-like move would set-off sparkles, lights, and song birds filling the air with joyous sounds celebrating Grayson’s entry into a new day.

Instead, I leap five feet in the air screaming “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?!!!” as the windows still rattle.

Just then the boy walks by our room naked except for his little tighty-whities on his way to the bathroom.

I lay back down trying to calm myself as I listen to his pee randomly hit the floor, then the toilet water, then the floor, then the toilet water. I try to figure out what he’s spelling.  

Just as I begin to find a happy place, WAM!!!!  The sound of the toilet seat and lid slamming onto the porcelain of the bowl has me clawing at the sheets.

My wife…sleeps through every second of this.

As he walks by I firmly whisper, “Grayson!! Stop being so loud. Your sister doesn’t go into school till 11 a.m.!! We want her to sleep AND you’re gonna wake up the dog!!”

“Fiiiiiinnnnuh daddy!” he says in a louder than normal tone reeking of “what the hell’s your problem old man?”

I look at the clock and see he’s up 15 minutes before the alarm was set. I reach over and just as I start to turn the alarm off I hear, RUFF….RUFF…..RUFF!!!

Followed by my son screaming at the top of his lungs, “DADDY???!!! I CAN’T FIND A MATCHING SOCK!!!”

The wife picks her head off the pillow reaching for her phone to see what time it is just as a tear forms in the corner of my eye.

I slowly rise and throw on some clothes. As I walk out of my room I run smack into the daughter who’s carrying her blanky and headed towards the stairs.

“Morning daddy! Can I have cereal? I’m hungry?,” she says in her precious little princess voice a mere four-and-a-half hours before she needs to be at school.

“DADDY?!!,” screams the boy who’s standing literally seven feet away, “did you find a sock? And I don’t want cereal…can you make waffles?”

“I don’t want waffles!!!,” screams the darling six-year-old girl as the dog is now clawing at his cage while yipping and barking to join in the hellish ordeal taking place at 6:30 a.m.

And from there it continues.

All because of my loud-ass son.


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Reader Comments (14)

I usually wake up before my son. Most days he will sleep until I threaten to throw cold water on him. ON the weekends when I want him to sleep in so I can maybe ... say... work out, read quietly for at least 30 minutes or watch something on TV, Netflix that I want to watch and eat my breakfast without interruption, he wakes up around 7AM or earlier and then insists that I let him snuggle on the couch with me while he watches a marathon of cartoons most of the morning and then he takes over playing Wii or Playstation for an unGodly amount of time until I finally say ENOUGH!

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterC...

Lol this happens to me everyweekend when I try to sleep in. I.even catch my daughter shaking my son sometimes just to get him up and then HE wakes the whole house up.

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered Commentercopperetiquette

This was my morning:

Wife: aaaaaaagh
Me: What the hell happened?
Wife: he puked on me!
Me (getting up for paper towels): That sucks
Wife: It's in my ear!
Me (picking up son): let's change you
Son: *pukes*
Me: Lovely
Daughter: starts laughing maniacally

This was before 5am. Ain't being a dad grand?

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJohn

Pishh!!!! Please! Ya'll aint got nothin' on me! Husband, 8 kids, 5 of them need to catch the bus by 7am, 4 year old and twin 20 month old girls left with me after husband leaves for work.....I'll just let you marinate on that for a minute.....Now, imagine the chaos that erupts here on the regular!

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCreoleMagnolia

It never gets any better, so stock up on tissues.

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterIrene

I went fetal when I read CreoleMagnolia's comment...bless! You have my utmost admiration! :)

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTina this an every morning thing in your house or does your son save this routine for special occasions? Substitute various dogs and cats for your other two kids and you've just described my house. Suddenly, I feel the need to cry...

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkarin

I assume this is payback for all the loud drunken nights you had in college. I can see you doing all of this at 3AM except I bet you pissed in a planter or on someone's head.

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter@ieatmykidzsnack

My daughter heard me discussing her LOUD ASS MOUTH the other day and got all butt hurt because she thinks I called her an ASS. I told her, NO if I had called you an ass I would have put HOLE on the end of it and really made you cry so STFU and go away and play with something. Gotta love the kidlets.

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPeggy Sue Brister

That sucks. I have my oldest daughter trained to be extremely quiet in the mornings because she knows if she wakes up me or her sister she is busted.

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJessica

Holy crap. You randomly popped up on Twitter so I visited your blog to see if you were worth following.

I am laughing so hard right now. Bonus points for the Colon Blow reference.


March 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDana K

lmfao!! thats my soon to be 12yr old dont fret it gets worse teehee

March 17, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterang

so as the kids get older and more INVASIVE, will the blog be re-named to "Why Is Daddy Yelling What the F@#$ ?

Second - reminds me of my kids coming into our room and saying, "I have to throw up." Then I say, "Well what the hell are you doing in here, get to the bathroom!!"

March 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterIamLittleJohnny

I have 4 year old twins. I feel you. I am the mommy, though, and I can assure you, your wife isn't sleeping through that noise..... :)

March 21, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterChrista

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