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For Valentine's Day I'm Giving the Wife...

It’s another awesome Hallmark Holiday that puts dudes on the hot-seat, leaving us cold, sweaty and paranoid as we procrastinate until the bitter end.

We frantically erase our Google search history so the wives don’t catch us ripping off kick-ass ideas. We go to Hallmark and convenient stores and hide behind shelves in the hopes we catch a glimpse of a guaranteed sex-gift idea being bought by another dude.

But this year…it’s different for me.

This year…I did my shopping early and I’ve knocked it out-of-the-park. I just know it.

Want to know what I’m getting her? Just keep it on the down-low.

Here it goes:

Pole Dance/Lap Dance Classes

I want my wife to feel sexy about her womanhood. What would make her feel more complete than to know how to wear next to nothing, trot into a room, and just own her man…nightly.

The Shake Weight

What?! She’s been complaining about her triceps. It’s thoughtful of me damn it!

A Cockblock Shock Collar

You simply place this loving, harmless device around your children’s neck as they nod peacefully off to sleep. On either-side of their doorway are two penny-sized attachments that send an invisible beam across.

When the restless child rises from its slumber to see what all the “commotion” is about, it sends a gentle reminder to the child that it should scutter-on back to its sleepy pad.

The Snazzy Napper

Well, it’s got a single hole…it’s shaped like a bib…and, well…it’s Snazzie!!! You put the rest together.

And to top it all off…when she’s done opening all her amazing gifts and ready to pounce me right then and there…I’m gonna drop the shock-and-awe on her by ripping my shirt off to reveal my chest hair shaved like this:

Happy Valentines Day!


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Reader Comments (17)

and where should we send the condolences lmao

February 14, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterdkmissie

Your wife is one lucky woman! It's a darned shame that there's only one of you.... ;)

February 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKat (@kathym425)

You never FAIL to deliver, excellent post!

You got me all hot and bothered with that last photo and my husband is out of town. What to do with all of this raw lust...

February 14, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteronecheapmama

Soo ummm yeah you should just get chocolate.

February 14, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter@ieatmykidzsnack

I was good until the photo... THEN I got puke in the back of my throat!!

I made a card for Mrs. Little Johnny. Not cuz I'm the creative type but cuz I am the "get busy doing things and forget the mall closes early on Sundays" type. Powerpoint and PDFs and cell phone photos have brought card purchasing procrastination to a WHOLE new level!

February 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterI am Little Johnny

I think I just threw up in my mouth.

February 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterIrene

I'll miss you. RIP. Also? I need to remove my eyeballs, and scrub them.

February 14, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkathygee1

I could get down on those pole dancing lessons but man
that last photo was plain NASTY!

February 14, 2011 | Unregistered Commentercitymom2

I actually thought the first two were really awesome gift ideas. And the shock collar for the kids. That's amazing. Then you started to veer off into the weird stuff. But seriously, if a guy got me pole/lap dance classes and a shake weight, he would totally get laid that night.

Why am I still single? I don't get it.

February 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKatie

I got my Mom the Shake Weight as a gag gift for Christmas Eve. It didnt go over well with my brother in law. My Mom was cool about it, she even demonsrated. But then the kids wanted to use it (and did) and my brother in law just about wanted to punch my face in. They are NINE, they totally didnt get it. I think he was the jerk off in that sitch (pun intended). Am I right?

February 14, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

I'm laughing so hard I can't even think of a good comment to leave. Your poor wife. I'm sure my husband would love your list of gifts but he knows he would be sleeping on the couch if I got any of those for Valentine's day.

February 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJessica

I'm surprised your body hair wasn't already shaved like that. You've let me down.

February 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterErica

You might have made me sound like a jackass just now when I laughed out loud at the shock collar.

February 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJess@StraightTalk

Pole dancing! Fabulous!

February 15, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermyturtledove

Omg! I'm going to have nightmares tonight due to that last photo! My eyes are burning! Thanks yet again for the visual.

February 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNanny Burg

Has anyone seen the King of Queens show when Kevin James gives his wife a pole for a gift? He ends up having to show her how to use it... HYSTERICAL

February 16, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterIamLittleJohnny

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