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Mommy, Where Do Babies Come From?

The other day the fam and I were driving along when the boy dropped the bomb of all bombs.

No, not the bomb he dropped yesterday when he said: “Macy, do you smell something?”

Macy: “No, why?”

Grayson: “Cause I just farted and it’s horrible.”

No, not that bomb, although, that little interaction does illustrate the truth that girls are soooo much smarter than little dudes.

Here’s what I mean.

So, we’re driving along and it’s quiet, which means either there’s some pontification going on, or all holy hell is about to break loose.

This is when pontification reared its ugly head.

Grayson: “Mommy, are you going to have another baby?”

The Wife: “No honey, it’s not possible. I mean, your daddy and I feel that our family is complete with just Macy and you.”

Grayson: “No, I mean, just say you wanted another baby, you would have to re-marry someone, right?”

At that point the wife looks at me and I immediately go into “Look As Though Traffic Is Horrible And You’re Trying To Plow Your Way Through So You Don’t Have To Engage In Conversations With Your Children About Where Babies Come From” look.

Macy: “Grayson!!! Baby’s come from a seed in the mommy’s belly, silly!!”

Grayson: “Macy!! Shhhh. Seriously mommy, if you wanted another baby you’d re-marry someone, right?”

The Wife: “No honey, I would have another baby with your father, but we have decided that we don’t want to expand the family any further. We love Macy and you and our family is perfect!”

Macy: “Grayson, you’re so silly!!! Babies come from seeds in the mommy’s belly. They grow from there.”

Grayson: “Well how do the seeds get there?”

Macy: “I don’t know.”

Grayson: “Mommy?”

The Wife: “Have you been working on your spelling words today Grayson? Cause you have a review test on Friday!”

Grayson: “How does the seed for babies get into the mommy’s belly?”

At this point I’m pulling close to the guy driving in the next lane, motioning for him to roll down his window in the hopes I can sell him on letting me climb into his car for safety.

The Wife: “We’re not going to have anymore brothers or sisters for you kids to let’s rock-out to some Barenaked Ladies!!! Turn it up Dad!!”

Me: “Sounds good!!”

As I turn up the radio…..

Grayson: “I know what you’re doing. At some point I still want to know how the seed gets in the mommy’s belly! I won’t forget that question!”

We have no idea how the girl knew babies come from a “seed.” I’m just glad she doesn’t know how the seed gets there, otherwise I’d have to put on my biker outfit and go stomp some ass somewhere.

But regardless, I’m ready for the boy to bring it back-up so I can tell him where babies come from.

“Son, babies happen when the mommy slips and falls on the ground and the daddy goes to help her up, then slips and falls on top of her. When they get back up the mommy has a seed in her belly and 9 months later a baby is born.

“Now who wants ice cream?!!!”


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Reader Comments (21)

Bro! (I can call you that now) - tell him the truth. The total truth. You wont get asked a question EVER again. Not of that sort anyway. Think about it. Imagine YOUR parents having sex.

January 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

LOL! I am dreading that question and any question that comes close! I don't know what will come out of my mouth. I know what I should say, but in the heat of the moment (tee hee), who knows. Let's get real, my 6 year old still thinks she has two butts, the front butt and the back butt! I think I might go with your slip and fall story. LOL!

January 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSonya

ROFLMAO!!!!! Ah, the joys of parenthood!

January 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterIrene

Oh wow. That is hilarious.

Reminds me of one of Ron White's stand up shows.

January 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJustin

When the time came to have that talk with the daughter, her response was, "Ewwwwwww, GROSS! You and Daddy did that TWO times???". Only because we REALLY wanted children, Dear. ;-)

Good luck.

January 17, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterkathygee1

When my kids were about Grayson & Macy's age, my sister had a miscarriage. Explaining to the kids that there would not be a baby after all was hard, but I about lost it when they asked how it got there in the first place. Let me preface this by saying my brother in law's name is Scott...

So, one of them, don't remember which, asks "How did the baby get in there?" So, in my infinite wisdom (or an attempt to avoid THE conversation) answered "God put it there." Well... they misunderstood what I said and asked "HOW IN THE WORLD DID SCOTT GET IT THERE?!?!"

January 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJodi

Lol! This is so great. Last week the nine year old son started laughing spontaneously (maniacally, really) and screeched "Mama, what does sexy mean?"

I honestly don't remember how I responded, but I recall thinking "damn, the seed story is so much easier to answer."

Thanks again for a thoroughly entertaining read.

January 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLinda

My dilemma is what to do when the stinking boy 3rd grader is telling my 3rd grade daughter about all kinds of things neither of them should know about in 3RD GRADE! Ugh! I'm all for open - but not whew! Who knew!?

January 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMiriam

Honestly, Grayson brings up a good point. Where did YOUR babies come from? I'm guessing if you do the math your brother was in town arond the same time. It could happen.

January 17, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterieatmykidzsnack

At least he didn't say, "Mommy, you gonna bone some other dude and give me a half-brother?" That would be awkward...

January 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJ.R. Reed


I have no idea how to handle this question, but it reminds me of a funny story about my husband.

My father-in-law is a psychology professor and firmly believes in telling the truth about "where babies come from" - he even teaches human sexuality for a college.

When this question was posed to him by his son (my husband) around age 4, his response was very straight forward and biological: "The man puts his penis into the woman and (and add more explanation here). My husband (his son) flipped out and started bawling his eyes out.

My FIL was perplexed. What could have caused this reaction? Finally he got an answer from his son:

"I don't want to lose my penis!" - He mistakenly interpreted it to mean once the man put it inside the female, it stayed there.

I think it took me a good five minutes to stop laughing when I heard this story.

Proof that no matter how clear and concise the explanation is, kids might not view things the same way.

January 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKelly K

So my daughter saw a commercial about The Bachelor and there was kissing in the hot tub. She's like, "hey mom! Those two are going to have sex!" (She's was 6.) I'm like, umm, well what do you think sex is? She answers, "It's when a boy sticks his tounge in your mouth." Great. So all I could come up with was, "Yeah, but you also have to be married."

January 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLynnie

Have the Easter Bunny bring your kids some "where do babies come from" books. Then you can blame it on the Easter Bunny spilling the beans.

January 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLeslie

LOL! Classic..jus classic.

January 17, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKeva

Just tell the truth, They'll be so disgusted they may never ask an awkward question again!

January 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHelen

Personally, I'd just go with "The Birthday Song" from The League. It's pretty clear after that...

January 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKelly Reif

Daddy fell on top of Mommy. Riiiiight...

January 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFrench Bean

When my kids were a bit younger and asked me those kind of questions, I simply would say:

I'm sorry, Mommy can't answer that question now. Ask me again, in about two years....

It actually worked.

January 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFranceRants

Dude, why do they always hit you up when you're in the car???
I have two girls, 7 & 4, and they too insist they have a front & back bum, so consider the source. When kid 1 started asking these questions, I wanted to give her the "right" answer, but no more then necessary either. So I found a book; "It's Not The Stork" Whenever a question comes up I answer, "Let's look and see what the book says!" Since we were in the car, it usually ended the conversation. That was when she was 4. Now there's another book for ages 7-10ish. Since she can read, I tell her to go look it up. I have passed the other book onto her sister.

The neighbors have all been warned, my kids know the truth & will "correct" their kids if they spew out something like, "when daddy falls on mommy..." So at least they don't think they're gonna get preggers from french kissing...

January 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermamaspeak

I remember my wife telling my daughter about how babies are made. Her first and only response was "Yuck!"
The next day, I picked her up from pre-school. Mothers and fathers were eyeing me in a funny way, so I knew something was up.
On the way out, one of our mother friends was coming in.
"Thanks," she said.
"For what?" I grinned, knowing something bad was about to happen.
"Your daughter told all the kids how babies are made."
"Seriously," she said. "I was worrying about when I was going to have to do that. Now I don't have to. Thanks!"

January 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterShane

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