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Fine...I'll Confess...

True confessions…when I get nervous, my butt sweats.

There, I’ve said it and it’s out there for the world to know.

Headed in to a job interview…I can feel my ass sweat. The first date I had with the wife when we were 16…moist ass. Minutes away from giving a presentation to board members…you guessed it…wet butt.

It’s not a nasty swamp-ass kind of sweat. It’s like your armpits sweating, but just on the cheeks of my ass and without all the hair and stench. Actually…it’s nothing like armpit sweat.

The worst thing about it is if I’m sitting down whilst getting nervous, a lovely couple of wet spots appear on the back of my pants. So when I stand up, I get even more nervous and self-conscious about the fact I now look like my ass peed itself.

So I end up trying to walk in angles that won’t allow people to see my drippy butt marks.

When I was in college I’d wear basketball shorts under my regular shorts because it was normal after class to pass by friends on their way to play ultimate Frisbee, flag football, basketball, and I wanted to be ready to hop in the car and go.

It was during that time I realized they provided a Maxi-Pad-like protection against the ass moisture. I was invincible!!

I could plan to streak the next football game and kick-back, enjoying my nervousness without having to worry about my friends having to carry my damp underwear back to the police station with them to pick me up.

But I couldn’t go on living life wearing two pairs of pants forever.

So now I worry about passing this godforsaken trait on to my kid. Will he someday find himself sitting next to a really pretty girl and suddenly realize an uncomfortable dampness?

The poor guy already has my big ears, gapped front teeth, uncontrollable thick hair, Tourettes. I just hope to hell he was spared the ass-sweats.

And just to let you know how hard it was for me to reveal this little fact, I’m going to have to go change my shorts now. And no…not for the good reason.

So there…now I’ve revealed what my body does when I get nervous…now it’s your chance. Man-up and tell me what yours does!! Sweaty armpits, back sweat, habitually glance at pictures of Gary Busey? Whatever you do, let’s hear it!!


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Reader Comments (21)

Underarmour makes sweat free panties....I mean boxers.

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPrincess of Sarcasm

Please don't ever use the word moist again. Thank you.

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTheGrasshoppa

I agree with the word moist. I think I threw up.

Me, my man boobs sweat.

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDC Urban Dad

Thank you for shedding light on this taboo and widely-hushed phenomena. I, too, suffer from this, not always as a part of nerves, but also from even slightly-warm confines (like customer sites where the thermostat is set at 78.)

My biggest fear is that the quantity of sweat produced by my derriere will not only saturate my undergarments, but leak through to my shorts or slacks for the whole world to see.

At one point, during high school, I tried to place deodorant on the part of the male anatomy only known as a "gooch" as well as around the northern-tip of the ass crack. Although sweating was reduced, itching was greatly increased, for a 0-sum/no-gain of comfort or quality.

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKatzmandu

For someone that hates the word moist, **shudder** "moist ass" took it to another level.
I don't do anything too exciting; I just get cold like the blood is draining out of my body.
But my hairstylist once told me she has to crap when she gets nervous... which was really fun on her wedding day.

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKeri

Have you ever used deodorant down there, try it and get to us. I work out in the heat all day and get sweat ass too, but I'm too much of a chicken to be the 1st. Hey this could be a whole new market. Ass spray antiperspirant for ass sweaters! We'll split it 50/50. We'll market it as ASSPERANT!

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLizzie

Well, this post and its subsequent comments make me feel much better about my nervous blushing and hot ears. The next time I get an anxiety fever I will console myself with the fact that things could be worse.

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

You probably know this, but people sometimes get botox injections in the armpit to decrease sweating. I have seen insurance pay for it sometimes. Don't know if you can botox your ass, but you could look into it. A bonus would be your ass would stay wrinkle free and young looking!

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteruless

Damn! You ARE brave! I thought I was brave when I admitted that I "plant" fake trees in my back yard. I bow to your courage!

How about some Anti-Monkey Butt Powder? (Yep, it's a real product).

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJb

When I get really upset or really nervous I get the runs. It doesn't happen very often but when it does it will last all day.
I sweat on my head. When it gets even slightly warm or I have to exert myself at all my actual HEAD starts sweating and my hair gets wet all over, even my bangs and I look like I just got out of the shower.

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPeggy Sue Brister

You've got balls dude! *lol*

I know it doesn't compare to your moist ass but when I'm scared/nervous I have to pee. Its the kind of pee that you have to run to the bathroom otherwise you'll wet yourself.

Good luck with the ass sweat my man. :)

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJessica W

Obviously he should use a nice pink Snuggie to sop up the extra moisture. Duh.

And I invite you to go back and check the video, cuz if you look close at his butt, you'll see a nice, tastefully drawn yellow stain.

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLittleAnimation

First time I've read you...HYSTERICAL!! I won't mention where I sweat when I'm nervous, but it's about 180 degrees away from your area...

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJanieWoods

I may have one right up there with you. Every time I get nervous, no matter what, I get an erection. It has plagued me for my entire life. Jr. High was a terrible time to discover this. High school was pretty bad as well. I think the only one who appreciates it is my wife. She finds it quite funny and entertaining and makes sure to bring it up at the best of times. It was so bad at one point I actually bought dance pants to wear under my dress slacks for meetings. They are made for men and are designed to hide things that pop up at random. Of course, that made me even more nervous that someone would see my dance pants. It was all a vicous circle of embarrassment.

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterChris

Try some Gold Bond. I have a friend who uses it for his balls and they stay dry all day.

I always wonder what so many people have against the word "moist."

I coined the term "swamp cooter."

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterWaiting

@ Chris - dude, you're sitting on a gold mine, you know that right?

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLittleAnimation

@littleanimation My wife enjoys it. She says I'm the easiest man to arouse. She just starts peppering me with comments like "Are you sure you did the tax returns right?", "Do you like the new dress I bought?" and so on.

July 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterChris

Two children later and still somewht post pardom, I sweat way more than I used to. It starts under my boobs. Gross.

July 17, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermyturtledove

I have a similar issue, and have been faithfully using baby powder on my arse with great success.

August 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterPowder

Just wanted to thank you for keeping me laughing last week when all I wanted to do was cry. I actually found your site somehow because I was doing research on my sons recently diagnosed Tourettes and this blog was linked. Thanks again for sharing your humor. Really funny stuff......

August 30, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAggiemomof4

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