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Family Discussion: A Furry Little Shit

I came home yesterday to all hell breaking loose at the house.

Son: “But mommy I really really want one!”

Wife: “I know you do Grayson. We will probably get you one, so relax.”

Daughter: “Well if Grayson gets an animal I want a cat and I’ll keep it in my room and it’ll be all mine.”

Wife: “You can’t keep a cat in your little room all the time Macy.”

Daughter: “But MOOOMMMYYYY, Grayson gets to keep a hamster in his room, why can’t I keep a cat in mine?”

That’s when it all clicked in my head what was happening.

Me: “Whoa whoa whoa!! No one’s getting any animals. We have a cat and that’s plenty!!”

And then the water works started, followed by high pitched whining flavored with hardcore disappointment.

My son’s best buddy at school has a hamster. So naturally my son HAS to have one. And somehow, when I was away from the house for more than five minutes yesterday, my wife’s ability to slam any thoughts that another furry beast might enter this home permanently became weak. Our kids were breaking her quickly.

Me: “Grayson, what is it you want to get?”

Son: “Oh…daddy, it’s a teddy bear hamster. It’s really furry and really cute and it has long fuzzy hair all over it and I want it so badly daddy. I will take such good care of it and will name it Ted.”

Daughter: “And if Grayson gets a hamster mommy said I could buy two new Zhu Zhu pets!”

This is the point where I look at the wife with a “what in the holy hell are you thinking woman” look on my face.

Wife: “Don’t look at me like that. I pretty much promised Grayson he could have one.”

Me: “But we already have cat shit to clean up. We have a fish in the boy’s room that refuses to die. And now we’re gonna have a small animal that needs it’s wood shred thingies changed, food, water and the boy’s gonna let it get lose at least once and the cat will try to eat it and I’m already freakin’ exhausted….”

Wife: “Pipe-down childhood ruiner and quit over exaggerating. I had two as a kid and loved it. Let the boy have this.”

Me: “Whatever… I’m gonna need you to sign this document nullifying any and all involvement I might have in handling, touching, cleaning, observing, chasing, smelling, acknowledging, petting, and  any other word ending in “ing” that might involve Bob crossing paths with my daily life.”

Wife: “His name’s Ted idiot-boy. Get it right.”


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Reader Comments (15)

Just wait til it gets loose in the house and you'll hear it chewing on something in your bedroom at 3am. Not even kidding.

We currently have a hammy 'lost' in the house and I hear the motherfucker at night in my bedroom, squeeking, taunting me 'come and find me!!!!!'

May 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNoel

Oh yeah. I had a fish that refused to die. I think it pretty much kicked the bucket one day and came back to life. That's how stubborn it was.

One hamster is not that bad and they're easy to maintain. As long as it's not a bitey one.

Clearly, I'm going to be no good at the saying no to animals thing. Hopefully, the fact that we have three dogs should keep us in the clear for a while.

I fear for all furry things in your home. 'Nuff said.

May 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the House

Good Luck! Having a little rodent type animal to take care of is my worst nightmare...I finally caved on the Zhu Zhu pets =)
Although, we do have a dog that should be named Asshole and is living up to his real name of Dopey ;)

May 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDopeysmom

My cat was always trying to eat my hamster and figuring out how to work the latch on her cage. Good luck. A Guinea pig is a better choice if you don't want the cat trying to eat it, but infinitely more care. My 8 yr old DD has had hers Got 2 years and just needs help cleaning the cage. She does all other piggy maintenance.

May 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnnette (dananner)

Guinea pig. Definitely guinea pig. Not nocturnal.

May 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThe Expatresse

I hope you have land... Just saying because my husband thought the kids should have all the pets they could dream of. We currently have the following burried i our back yard. 2 Cats, 3 dogs, 3 hamsters, 1 mouse, 1 guinnie pig, 3 rabbits. I wont go into the ones that " got away" or the massive amounts of fish flushing funerals we have hosted. Dude your life is over, expect to smell and step in shit forever. do you hear me? FOREVER... oh yeah and dig lots of holes.

May 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThePeachy1

Get a shoe box and a backyard spot ready for the future funeral.

May 31, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkrepthin

Ohhhhh boy!! I hope the cat doesn't eat it! They are super cute. :) Remember........costumes = funny.

May 31, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNina

Just be thankful it's not a dog that they're begging for! As for the hamster, you do realize that you'll be the one performing the funeral services for the damn thing at some point, don't you? Better start preparing that eulogy.... ;-)

May 31, 2010 | Unregistered Commenternuckingfutsmama

I have already made the announcement that once our dog kicks the bucket there will be no more animals in my house. That's right, whoever cleans it, owns it. I refuse to clean up anymore piss, crap or any other bodily fluid that decides to fly out of these things holes at the most inconvenient time.

*sigh* Yeah, we will be getting my sister-in-law's dog soon. Yeah, the one that hates kids. I guess I can't be a total asshole about it considering SIL is dying from cancer and would like to see her dog while she is in the nursing home.

God, I hate animals.

June 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSoMo

I just found you via twitter...and? I love it here. Mind if I stick around? I don't make too much of a mess (usually).

June 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJenJen

I hope you got that document notarized.

June 1, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSurfer Jay

Two words, "Mouse Trap"
It's man's way of evening up natural selection of the invading species into a hostile territory already competing for resources.
Scientifically put:
The Resources are:
Your Sanity
Your House poop-free
Your ability not to throw things at noises that sound like, sort of and even close to maggoty little turd goblins that will chew, crap and thieve all things they can.
The Competition in this case:
Your Sanity
The Sons want for a mysterious disapperance of a beloved pet.
Your willingness to cross the line from paternal figure to non-paid assassin of all things quietly crossing the threshold of "This aint my problem"
The better halfs plausible deniability and leaving her none the wiser to your Shenanigans (yes Im bring that word back into style...suck it)
Keeping of the peace and remaining vigilant to uphold the rules of the house. The rules written on the underside of the toilet bowl top cover only to be seen in black light for secrecy sake.
And lastly the procedure:
place them where no one will find them and then NOT use poisoned bait.
The smell will find you
The body will give the child trauma youll now spend years undoing with therapy
And ...<swallows own vomit> maggots.
Death to the Hamsters.
Darwin said it best when he said "Fuck it lets eat em...Im hungry, their slow"

Before my older daughter was potty trained we used to put off any animal talk with the line "no adding pooping things to the house until you use the potty". Then she started using the potty, but by then we had twin infants, so the rule is back in force, with the babies as the target. That should hold us for another 18 months or more!

June 2, 2010 | Unregistered Commenternonlineargirl

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