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« WARNING: You Are Experiencing Children | Main | Geeze Daddy!! »

The Boy & His Poop

Two days and counting. That’s how long it’s been since the boy has pooped.

Yes, I’m going to blab about poop and my son. Before kids, it’s an unspoken topic. Well, that is unless you’re in a dorm room drinking and passing around stories that start with “dude, this one time…”

But then when you have kids…it seems so common to walk up to two parents at the playground after school lets out and hear:

“and so he’s taking this massive poop and it’s blue! And so I freak, right? I mean, the boy’s poop is blue! But then I remember…we ate cotton-candy flavored ice cream last night and it totally makes sense that his poop was dyed Smurf.”

My boy has done nothing but poop pellets for a couple days now. And the complaints that his stomach aches are running rampant. And he’s got all the bad genes I could have possibly passed along…the most notorious being the “worry/obsessive gene.” So if he’s home, he’s sitting on the toilet. And afterwards we get the detailed blow by blow.

He comes creeping down, looking over his shoulder to see where his sister is while pulling us into a secluded corner. In the almost most perfect drug dealer talk he keeps checking over his shoulders while engaging the wife and I in a dialogue about the size and girth of the mini-poop he just unleashed.

Then he quickly ends it with, “and I left it for you to go look at.”

 “That’s awesome Grayson. Umm… how about you start flushing the toilet since you’re giving us such accurate detailed descriptions of your mini creations,” I quickly tell him.

Yesterday we called the doctor who said we should buy glycerin suppositories, slide them in, tell him to fight the urge to poop till he can’t hold it anymore, then let it ride.


I laughed at the wife when she uttered that sphincter-tightening word.

After she calmly explained I was never to laugh at her again I headed to the store. Standing in the “laxative” isle looking for these damn suppositories was the equivalent of being announced over the loud speaker “customer in the blue hat can’t drop a deuce and I’m gonna assume it’s because he’s got a Star Wars figure or hairbrush stuck up there.”

Along with my purchase I acquired “Rubber Finger Protectors” which according to the package “are ideal for inserting suppositories, applying hemorrhoidal cream and medication to open wounds.”

None of which I had any desire, what-so-ever to do. That’s when I laid the smack-down.

“I refuse,” I told the wife.

The boy roughly said the same thing to the idea.

Apple juice, 1 ton of raisins ingested, and a whole lot of poop coercing of the boy and he finally gave birth to a healthy, happy turd named “Colon Blow.”

Yes he still obsesses about his poops and I’m sure he will be for some time. It’s in the family genes. In fact, I’d be shocked if he ever pooped regularly again.

But I guess what I’ve learned from this experience is…hell, I don’t know what I learned from this experience. I’m just glad the boy finally pooped and I'm pretty confident this blog post will be found through some very disgusting Google search words.

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Reader Comments (12)

No worries, surf through blogs and the ones with most hits are talking about poos. Awesome.

Good choice on the apple juice and raisins. Probably better than the suppositories. My daughter goes through the same thing, but I give her sugar free chocolate from Laura Secord (Canadian company) and she is off to the toilet.

Good Luck with your son's poo.

April 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterVirginia

Oh those glycerin suppositories! We had to use them for my twins when they were tiny babies. Neither one pooped on their own for the first two weeks of their lives! They are horrible things and I don't blame the boy for refusing to let y'all near him with one. You may want to start mixing some of the clear dissolve Metamucil in his drinks every day. I have to do that for 2 of my 3 kids, otherwise I hear them screaming from the bathroom "MOMMY! My tummy hurts but the stinky won't come out!" That's always a great thing to hear coming across the house when you have friends over for dinner!

April 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMom2ATeam

Our daughter only poops on Sunday. We load her with blueberries and baby Milk of Magnesia to move things along and she will hold it. It's insane. Insane I tell you.

Good luck on your end...

April 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRobMonroe

Lots of good information here. Lol.

April 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKelly

Shiiitttttttt. Drama Queen was constipated the other day and she asked if I was gonna "take one of those things and shove it up my ass?" She of course meant a SUPPOSITORY.

Uh, no. I'm not shoving anything up anyone's ass. Thanks for asking...

April 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJ.R. Reed

I have 4 brothers. A husband. 2 little boys of my own. Poop is a constant topic of conversation. My brothers have been known to text me pictures of their 'kids in the pool.' Which is disgusting by the way - they don't even warn me with a subject line. Shudder.
Anyway - good thing Jr. fears the waxy substance up the bum. Colon Blow FTW!

April 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMommaKiss

We remain unconstipated by constantly drinking coffee (every AM at about 8:30 like fucking clockwork) Even lil berry. Better an iced mocha than a suppository. It's great he talks about his poop way too many parents stigmitize it.

April 29, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter@uniqueblog

I forgot what I wanted to say. Shit.

April 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the House

I started reading this post excited, thinking "I love talking poop! such a great word! Pops on each end with an ooooo in the middle.

I am going to rethink my enthusiasm in the future. Oi. Thanks for not being graphic, anyways.

April 29, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDrew

HAHAHA! This one's a contender for best post ever in the (albeit, short) history of blogging. And the comments are just as good.

I can now go on with my day.

April 30, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLittleAnimation

Ewww poop.

April 30, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermepsipax

I used to be embarrassed by poop until I gave birth to a little girl & pooped twice in the process. Now poop is a regular discussion topic. Color, content, etc. You know what I'm talkin about, right?? Ellis even tells me that she has a big stinky poop! and I proudly share in her joy.

April 30, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTracy

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