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Scared Shitless

So the boy won tickets to the Chicago Wolves hockey team game this past Saturday for raising the most money in his elementary school

for Jump Rope for Heart. We were stoked because we’d been wanting to take the kids to a hockey game for a while.

So Saturday comes and we’re on our way…the wife, daughter, boy and me. We grab a bite to eat, hit the arena, find our seats, and the kids are pumped! The wife hooks them up with a bag of cotton candy while I go and wrestle-us down a couple of beers.

Then, the lights drop down, the spot-lights roam around the ice, the announcer and his douchey announcer voice blast over the speakers and then…the fireworks begin.

During this extremely rookie introduction I look over and my daughter is literally shaking, crying and sitting in my wife’s lap trying her best to climb inside her coat pocket.

I look at the boy and he’s in a crouched position on his chair, wide-eyed, hands in his mouth, and it’s like I can watch the fear slowly grab him by the balls.

When it’s all done I turn trying to act all cool and I say, “that was awesome huh?!”

“Daddy, I have to poop.”

“What?! You…all right…let’s do this.”

So I take the boy to poop in the piss-covered public restroom--every dad’s worst nightmare. Standing in a men’s room, during a manly-man hockey game, leaned-up against a stall door, I try not to make eye-contact with the legions of dudes standing in line drinking beer, spitting, cussing, and waiting their turn at the urinal.

So I stand there, on my Blackberry, staring at the back of the stall door and listening to my boy squat a grumpy like a champ.

Ten minutes later we’re on our way back to our seats. Fifteen minutes later the Wolves score and what happens?! Yeah, fireworks go off. I immediately look at the boy and he’s in his crouching tiger position again. Literally five minutes later they score again…more fireworks. And the boy…all I smell is poop and see the look of fear on his face.

“Dude, you OK?”

“Daddy, my tummy hurts. Are there going to be anymore fireworks?”

“You dropped a third leg in the toilet less than a half-hour ago. You feeling OK chief?”

“I don’t like the fireworks daddy.”

At the end of the night, we drove home, boy crying his head off…”daddy, I was so excited when I won this prize because I knew you’d love to go see a live hockey game and I wanted to see it with you. I’m so sorry daddy!!” My heart broke for the little guy and I immediately felt the weight of the world on me.

I love this little bastard. He’s such a damn good kid. I won’t lie, the weight I bear from his idolization is unmerciful at times. It bites me in the ass when I least expect it and forces me to remember I’m his father and not his best friend. But I won’t lie, it’s every father’s dream.

So, for now, I just continually tell myself the same five words which the talented and skilled Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny made so famous, “just don’t fuck it up!”


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Reader Comments (11)

poor little guy. He's such a sweetheart.

ps- I wish our hockey team had fireworks!

April 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter@piggytailmommie

Aww, man. That sucks. We took my godson a few years back and he literally went to sleep in his moms lap. The noise level in pro/semi-pro leagues is out of hand. I'm outside of DC and even without a crowd in there I bet the music would be enough to make you deaf. Drives me nuts. The game is good enough without all of that crap.

That being said - wait until fall and find high schools or colleges that play around you. We went to a half dozen high school games (and another half dozen games for my brothers men's league) and they are really fun. Not as fast, but also not as monstrously loud.

Sucks that he was so focused on doing something awesome for you that he felt even more disappointed.

April 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRobMonroe

Great post. Can you imagine if their was blood shed? I once went to a game and I almost threw up because someone's teeth got knocked out.

April 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the House

Awww. Too bad it goes by in a blink of an eye. One minute, they're cute and scared and you just want to protect them. The next minute, they're sitting beside you yelling louder than you and they're hoping the damn roof blows off because that would be "AWESOME!!!!!"

April 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMotherofthemth

That is a great story. Also, "squat a grumpy like a champ."...that is epic.

April 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermepsipax

Haha! That is funny cuz we went to a Steelers/Titans game and DS and DD both fell asleep! And it was a one o'clock game! Lol

April 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEverrose

Oh man, I feel bad for the little ones, but I almost pooped myself LMAO reading this post! Thanks, you just made my day :)

April 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNew York Dad

that was awesome! always good to hear some dad perspective, especially when it has to do with the disgusting toilet seats that us moms have to deal with - each and every time with our darling daughters! Just followed you on twitter too. look forward to more hilarious tidbits - great job!

April 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commentertidbitmom

First: We were at the Sharks game Saturday night. So, Chicago can suck it. :) But seriously, I just full on LAUGHED at this post. Hilarious. He gets nervous poop. Hey, it happens to the best of us. What a nice kid taking his dad to the game!!

April 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterEmmie Bee

Yes, that tug at the heart strings when you know that your kid has chosen to do something because they know YOU will love it...and then it turns into an utter shit show...gah! What a trooper and what a lucky dad.

April 13, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterManiacal Mom

Wow, you have an amazing boy, he was excited FOR YOU...WOW!! Sorry to hear it didn't turn out the way he imagined it.

April 13, 2010 | Unregistered Commentersquirtsdad

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