The Negotiator
Monday, March 29, 2010 at 6:52AM I called the local police department today to see if they needed a spot filled on their S.W.A.T. team—specifically the role of negotiator. Because holy shit the boy has that down to an art.
Take a small, harmless pack of gummies for instance.
The boy wants gummies. I’m cooking dinner, plan to serve it to the boy in 10 minutes, and therefore I am quick to deny the young heathen his delicious gummies.
I then get hit with, “Ok, but daddy…can I just explain something? See, you packed me gummies in my lunch box for today and I didn’t eat them all, in fact I didn’t even touch them, so then I should still be able to eat them right now cause I didn’t touch them at lunch so can I have them?”
And I look down at the boy and say, “Grayson…for the love of all things Mario Kart…NO!!”
“Yeah, but daddy…can I just say something? They’re really small and won’t take up much room in my belly and I KNOW I’ll eat my dinner so why can’t I just have them now?”
Gripping the spatula with all my might and grinding my teeth to nubs I turn and say, “Grayson…do you see what I’m doing?”
“Yes.”
“What am I doing son?”
“Making food.”
“That’s right. I’m making our dinner. Our dinner Grayson. The bountiful feast we will be shoving into our mouths in less than eight minutes now. You cannot have gummies and if you ask me again, I’ll take each of the gummies and melt them one-by-one right in front of you until they’re a big melty puddle of liquid gummy remains. Kapish?!”
The boy’s head is looking at his feet now as he feels defeat nearing. He realizes he’s got nothing…and he sure as hell doesn’t want to risk the lives of his delicious multi-colored fruit gummy snack because he knows my last statement was anything but a bluff. So he walks out of the kitchen.
But, before I could get halfway through patting myself on the back for a rare victory won without raising my voice against the boy, I see his little red haired head bob right back into the kitchen…only, he’s holding something.
“Hey daddy. What’s for dinner?”
“Stir fry.”
“Oh…sounds good. Hey daddy. I brought you some gummy snacks to have,” he says innocently as he holds out his unopened bag of gummies from his lunch box.
“Sweet! Thanks man,” I say as I grab them from his hand, open them, and empty them all into my mouth at once.
“DADDY!!!!! That was MEAN daddy!!! You knew I wanted those gummies and you ATE them all!!”
I immediately feel the vicious blade from the “worst parent in the world” dagger slide into my gut as I see elephant tears fill the boy’s eyes. I quickly drop to a knee and reveal to him that I faked pounding back the bag of gummies. Then seeing that did nothing to squelch the onslaught of depression and anger towards me I handed him the bag and said, “go down to the basement, kill this bag of gummies, and don’t tell your mother.”
Five minutes later a dim-watted light-bulb above my head spewing sparks and smoke signified that it had finally sunk-in that the little bastard had just made me his bitch. And I knew at that very moment he was sitting in the basement, slowly enjoying his gummies, and marking another notch on his secret score sheet for himself.
Grayson 137 Daddy 0
Mario Kart, dinner, father, food, get in my belly, gummies, negotiating, son
Reader Comments (17)
Wow. He DID make a good point...He DIDN'T eat them at lunch and THEY ARE small.... You ARE kind of mean...
Oh my! I know the feeling and if he and my Char ever hung out, I'm pretty sure there would be some sort of evil joining of forces national - hell, global! - state of emergency.
If he can make you his bitch so easily now, I shudder to think of his teenage years which, by the way, will be here quicker than you think (bwa ha ha ha). If you need some help toughening up, I'm sure that are a few Twitter ladies that will be glad to whip you (into shape).....just give us a shout ;)
Too funny. I think that's just one of those powers that kids have and we lose when we get older. Need to learn to tap into that and the world is ours buaahahah
You got set up, plain and simple! SUCKER!
(Which is to say that the only reason I stick to my guns with my girl is that her mother is an honest-to-God pushover. Everyday on the way home she eats two snacks. On the 15 minute ride. Two. Snacks. Why? Because my wife is hungry and won't have a snack before picking the girl-child up. Drives me up a wall and makes me the bad guy, but I'm embracing it these days.)
The "I didn''t eat them at lunch" arguement always throws me. It's a valid point, but We're about to eat, . . . . .
Good luck man.
Brian
@strongfathersme
No means no in my house...even if it KILLLLLLLSSSSSS me! Dude, I would have totally microwaved the hell outta those dang gummies had my kid asked ONE MORE TIME! I feel bad for my kids sometimes because I was the "Negotiator" as a kid and I know the tricks! I will not be negotiated by my kids. However....hubs...not so much...at the very first..."But DADDDDYYYYYYYYY....." he crumbles like a cheap whore at the bar...he will give in for ANYTHING...it makes my head spin. He's a wussy!
I love that you pretended to eat those gummy bears. Its tough man - you want to teach them to be critical thinkers but then you end up being their bitch.
-->I've faced the "I didn't eat them at lunch" defense before and my "well, if you ate them at lunch you wouldn't be so hungry now..." usually works especially when dinner is almost ready.
~deb
Played you like a fiddle.
Oh no. The beginning of the end. I've lived this...I've tried to fight this...I've told myself that I must be consistent. NEVER GIVE IN! NEVER! You give in just one time and you are doomed, my friend. My 20 year old daughter can, to this day, wear me down because she knows I have a limit. Even if I "win" and don't take her shopping to the mall, because her death is imminent if she doesn't go shopping, I still have lost. (about 3 hours of my life that I can never get back. Three hours of "no". "Not going to". "Not in my schedule". "Sorry Charlie". "STOP IT. LEAVE ME ALONE!")
And don't be under the illusion that he will use this power for good. No lawyer or SWAT team negotiator for him. He'll save it all for you!
I'm sitting in the park reading this and lol'ing and all the other parents think I'm weird for laughing at my blackberry. Oh well it was worth it.
Next time the kids go to the dentist ask him about those gummies. The little girls next door quit them cold turkey after the dentist told them they were the worst thing for their teeth!
Try and limit the negotiating. It will only become a really bad habit that will surely piss the teacher off. Give choices like...would you like curtain #1 or curtain #2? But don't let them be in charge or you are toast.
Damn that kid is clever. It's hilarious, as long as it's yours and not mine. ;)
I love your kid! He worked really hard for that treat. Sorry, but I was rooting for him the whole time. He's gonna make a great agent.
Kapish..... Are you trying to say Capisce?
[Steve Martin in My Blue Heaven] Are you trying to say "capisce"? Cause it hurts my ears when you say it the other way!"[/Steve Martin in My Blue Heaven] ...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzDy3byWrQY
SOOOOO funny.