The Movie!


Why is Daddy Crying?

Click here to view the full size version at YouTube>



Meet the Insanity


The Wife



Get Updates!

Email Goodness
* indicates required

Blogs I Dig
Previous Ramblings
Search It

« The Negotiator | Main | Time for New Threads »

The Wife & I Discuss Sex Toys

A month ago I got a Twitter direct message (DM) from the loverly @maniacalmom saying she was headed to Vegas, “send me your mailing address and I’ll send you a care package when I get back.”

Truth be told, I get random DMs on Twitter once in a blue moon but nothing like that. While I love my girl and her blog, I didn’t really know what to do with that DM or how to respond, so I just didn’t.

Two weeks later she sends another DM saying “I’m back – send me your address and I’ll send your care package.”

“Ummm….I’m a bit scared. Are you going to show up, throw me in a well, tell me ‘it rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again’ and then wear me?” I politely asked?

Then I get her virtual business information which looked legit and I folded…I sent my address and today we got the package!!

Wife: “Wow…now who the hell is this woman again?,” she asks as she looks at the package contents strewn across the table while keeping a constant eye on the stairs for any prying eyes from the little nippers.

Me: “She’s that lady on Twitter who said she wanted to send us some gifts after her…”

Wife: “What the hell is this?”

Me: “I can’t tell from the plastic, but it looks like it’s shaped perfectly to fit around my…”

Wife: “And is that a dolphin?!”

Me: “That my dear, is AWESOME! It looks like a hollowed out dolphin thingy that totally hides this little vibrator thingy so the kids have no idea it’s a magical mystery tool designed to send mommy’s eyes rolling in the back of her head!!”

Wife: “What? Why are you bringing the kids into this? You’re sick.”

Me: “No…I just immediately thought if the kids found it they’d think, ‘oh cool, a vibrating dolphin with seven different settings—awesome!’ and we wouldn’t freak out as bad if we saw them accidentally playing with it in the bathtub or something.”

Wife: “Well, what are you going to do with your man-tube thing?”

Me: “You mean, Jennifer?”

Wife: “Holy shit you just opened it from the package and you already gave ‘it’ a name?”

Me: “Ssshhh…she’s sensitive. Look at her bumps and goodness. She exists to make us happy.”

Wife: “To make YOU happy? Poor Jennifery, she has no clue what she’s in for.”

And I thought about it…the wife’s right. If I come on too strong I’d hate to think what would happen. I’d go looking for her in my favorite drawer and she wouldn’t be there. The wife would be laying on the couch and feel a tug on her Snuggie sleeve. And to her dismay she’d see Jennifer…

Wife: “Oh my god what’s wrong Jennifer? Why are you crying?”

Jennifer: “He won’t leave me the fuck alone! Not even for a second!”

Wife: “Oh no!!! He’s following you around the house, rubbing against you and accidentally picking up imaginary things in front of you in the hopes you’ll look at his ass isn’t he?”

Jennifer: “Can you hide me under your blankets and let me watch CSI with you and just hold me for a while.”

Wife: “Come on girlfriend…hop in. Mommy’s got you.”

I’ve totally got to play this one cool. I can’t lose Jennifer the way I lost the wifey to her Snuggie and the couch...

PrintView Printer Friendly Version

EmailEmail Article to Friend

Reader Comments (25)

HAHA this post is pure magic!

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

The dolphin thingy is awesome, just saying!

I'v never seen the dolphin just a giraffe. Gonna have to look for one of those! :o)

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermalia

Oh my my ... I can't stop laughing over here!

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJabulani

I'm gonna go ahead and assume most inatimate objects cringe each time you walk by. I'm also gonna assume there's a disgustingly good reason why your wife won't bake pies. Sick sick bish. For the love of God PLEASE no video. I'm not sure it would go viral but it would certainly give us a virus.

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the House, you are hilarious and I love you!

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAnne

I am so glad you LUFF her! And that I had the forethought to drop something in for wifey too!
Enjoy and may all your ups and downs be in bed!

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterManiacal Mom

THE funnies thing I've ever read. I'll be laughing about it all day and get crazy stares, but it's ok - I love your blog!

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMy Momma Drama

Great post! Can't wait to start getting that kind of stuff in the mail! I only get shampoo and coffee samples right now!

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

Hahaha!! Things like that never happen to me!

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBen

This is hilarious! I forwarded it to my Passion Party friend. :) Also plan to RT but had to comment first. One of my friends says every time you RT w/o commenting, God kills a kitten.

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteramaliaday

What you need is the rubber ducky vibrator. It could go on adventures with you and your wife and you could take pictures ; )

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLojo

It would totally ruin it for you if I told you my name is Jennifer, huh?

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterIHavDefx

“You mean, Jennifer?”

I could barely keep my laughing to myself and I'm at work. Just sent the link to my wife.

Good stuff man...good stuff

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commentersquirtsdad

I love reading your blogs, makes me giggle every time.

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRhonda

poor jennifer!!!!!

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermamaof4crazies

Ha! Good name for the tube! And I like a turtle myself.. they call it the "Ninja". Have fun kids!!

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHarleyChick

I can't even stand how awesome this blog is. Seriously.

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLilmumma

A Twitter friend sent you sex toys...and she knows you're married. Not exactly a classy lady...

March 24, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMike

I love that visiting your blog always leaves me in tears from laughter. Thank you.

March 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter@MeganMonique

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>