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Why I'd Suck as a Figure Skater

Last night I turned the Olympics on and would you believe it—a couple dressed like my worst 80’s nightmare were throwing themselves around a circular sheet of ice to some of the world’s most awful music. I thought for a second the Russian Mafia had taken over American airways, but then I remembered – oh yeah, it’s prime time…of course NBC will play NOTHING but Winter Olympic figure skating.

Being the good American I am, I noticed I’d put the remote control down on my lap and immediately thought, “uuugh…it’s all the way down there. I don’t have the energy to reach way down there and pick up the remote to change the channel.” So I watched a couple of these talented, young, scary, boarder-line psychedelic athletes in their sport and was pretty damn amazed.

That shit takes talent. It takes years of practice, skill, balance, endurance, and a keen eye for horrific costumes. So then I thought…I could do that…until I saw the first twirling, leaping, landing of the skaters on ice. Then I thought – no…no I couldn’t.

And here are the top 10 reasons why I’d totally suck as a figure skater:

1) If you ever want to see me eat dirt or pavement faster than Octomom can find endorsements for birthing a country, just yell “ice” and I’ll hit the ground in a heartbeat.

2) Have you seen the crap these skaters wear? My partner would HATE me. We would be two minutes from having to perform and no one would be able to find me because I’d still be in front of a mirror making sure my “package” looked just right in tights for network TV.

3) The whole time they’re skating people are snapping pictures left and right. My ADD would kick-in something fierce and by the time I’d chased down just one of those shiny bright objects my partner would be a broken, bloody mess on ice.

4) I’ll admit it…I haven’t bought new clothes in quite a while. The wifey and our friends laugh at me because 90% of my clothes have at least one hole in them. But for shit-sake, I can still dress better than those bastards. Did you see the guy in the American couple? He looked like a mix between a pirate and Greg Brady. I rest my case.

5) I hate things on my feet. It’s taken me years to just master running, but skating? When I was 19 I went rollerblading with the wifey and being the stud-muffin I am, I only wore shorts…no shirt, pads, nothing. Within two minutes I was covered in blood, grass stains, mud, and shame. Twenty minutes later I was at Wal-Mart demanding a refund.

6) It would take me a year just to pick that one song…that perfect song for our skating performance. And I just know my partner would pick Wham! And then I’d have to call in a favor with Tonya Harding and the whole American figure skating world would be scarred yet again…

7) I’d try to be the NASCAR skater of the Olympics. I’d roll out on the ice with stickers all over me for sponsors that read: Jagermeister. Guinness. Legalize marijuana. Ford, cause our cars stop. Vegetarainism, cause beer is technically a meal.

8) I couldn’t for the life of me, meet a group of dudes, have them ask, “hey man, what do you do for a living?” and say, “Oh, I’m a figure skater! So…uh…how about the Bears this season huh?!”

9) My tourettes would totally fuck me up. I’d have to spend millions hiring a choreographer who could work head twitches, blinks, and other obscure body flailing into a routine that actually looked like something other than a fish out of water dying.

10) When I’d be sitting there on the bench, waiting for our score, after our performance, they’d never put a live camera on me…I’d be all, “that was fucking awesome. Holy shit we rocked that. Someone beer me!! Seriously – throw me a beer and tell the other teams to suck it cause they just got owned. Fuckin’ owned!!”

I’ll stick to running and trying to make sure I don’t bust my ass in the process.

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Reader Comments (26)

Nice tights dude! Pink is definitely your color!

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBare Essentials Today

PERHAPS you would suck as a figure skater, but NBC ratings would go through the roof if you did it your way.

I'd kill to witness a figure skater whooping up a "Beer me!" on the score bench!

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCass

Another frickin laugh fest Sedg!! My buddy and I are going to dress up in Luge tights for Halloween cause we think those "athletes" sport a better package than the other athletes!!

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteravionicsman

Now I know why we are having such a hard time with the damn Tooth Fairy ... thanks, I have to keep explaining away why you don't show up in a timely manner. Now I know it is because of Jager and beer ... way to ruin her childish beliefs.
Oh wait, this was about ice skating?

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commentercjaxon

Hmm sounds to me like you would be the perfect hockey player, minus the ice of course... Great read.

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTstone

I def. envision you doing a Def Leppard style knee slide onto the ice with an air guitar.

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

You lost me at the picture. It was too funny to really concentrate on the rest of the post.

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

if this costume didnt fill that nukie jar to overflowing, nothing will. love ya for making me lol. now go write some more

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteranne

Speechless...maybe cuz I'm laughing! And today's not a multi-task day...

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJabulani

you never know, you might rock the figure skating world. Have you seen that Will Ferrall / Jon Heder movie "Blades of Glory"? I can totally see you skating pairs with another dude just as crazy as you ;)

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

Less we never forget the out of work tooth fairy costume! Good times, good times....

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermyturtledove

Okay, I have publicly proclaimed my refusal to watch the Winter Olympics(those things look cold) but if you change your mind about this, please do swing by my blog and give me a heads up, I may have to give up my rule to see this! But only if the stickers are included, because that would be OMG hilarious, oh yeah, and do you have a sister? Because that ups the totally gross factor of the ice skating thing, the whole "looking lovingly at and touching your sibling all over" thing, yeah, that grosses me out!!!

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterWicked Shawn

bwahahahahaha--your rendition of the tooth fairy? Technically the guy was a hockey player... so the whole problem you have with things on your feet wouldn't work with hockey either... only you get to beat people up and it's good in hockey--so that is something proud to tell the guys.

Ice Skaters are talented but yea... some of those outfits totally de-man them--and I have the feeling they might like that.

So what about them bears? :)

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterShelle-BlokThoughts

Nice legs tiger!

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterManiacal Mom

Nice legs.

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLojo

I don't think figure skating men even have packages.

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLaurie (@GoodByeGracie)

...not that I'm looking or anything...

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLaurie (@GoodByeGracie)

I'm scared that you even HAVE pink tights to fit you!

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStacy

LOL love it! Hahaha

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmy

I uhmm... Yeah uhmm... No uhmm... I'm hearing DefLeopard n seeing air guitars and PINK FREAKIN TIGHTS AAHHH MAKE IT GO AWAY!!! MOMMYYY

February 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStar

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