The Puke Plague
Tuesday, February 23, 2010 at 7:41AM Sick, sick and more sick.
And I suck when I’m sick and in dealing with the sick. Which has made the past few days random snippets of hell.
After a week watching my son strategically wipe gallons of green and yellow goo from his nose all over our furniture, carpet, and clothes, we took him to the doctor only to find he has bronchitis. Two days later I woke up around 4 a.m. feeling like that douchebag on the Internetweb Machine Thingy who takes a flaming shot and catches his mouth and throat on fire.
I’m the biggest baby on the planet when I get sick—shocker, I know. I have these long, green boot-socks that I put on and I walk through the house silently letting everyone know I’m officially ill and to please back-the-fuck off. And then I disappear to the bedroom for a day.
This past Saturday the wifey and I had the most magical of nights planned. A friend of ours (@momomatics) and us got a joint baby sitter. Kids were sleeping over at their house. I bought 439 candles to light throughout the bedroom. I paid a 36 piece string band to play in our bedroom. Shit, I even emailed Al Green to see if he’d show up to add some extra mojo to the ole love palace. Game was on!!!
We dropped the kids off and the four adults hit the town hard. Beers and shots were flowing, tons of laughing in the air, I was busy razzing the waiter, and I occasionally I’d write little love notes on napkins and slide them over the wifey’s way.
We roll into a 9:30 p.m. showing of Shutter Island and settled in. Exactly one hour later I go pee and I’m standing there as the phone vibrates (cause yeah…I listen to the pre-movie stupid dancing phone douche that tells me to put my phone on vibrate). I look down and it says I’m getting a call from @momomatics.
So I answer, “What woman?!!!”
And I hear, “ummm…this is the babysitter and your son is throwing up.”
And I’m all, “Are you sure? Like, did he just choke on something by accident and he’s better now? Or maybe he’s just pranking you. You should go check and call me back in a few hours.”
She says, “No…no I’m pretty sure he’s sick. There’s a lot of it. And, please tell Ms. (@momomatics) that her toilet is clogged and won’t flush.”
Yeah…that’s how my super sexy, kick-ass, romantic night came to a screeching halt. Half-a-movie, kid puking, and visions of a puke-clogged toilet.
By 11:15 p.m. we had both kids back at our house, son face-first in the toilet, and me, selfishly in a corner holding one of the 439 candles crying and asking “why baby Jesus…why??!!!”
And now…as of last night…the wifey is now getting a microscopic view of the toilet as she “talks to Ralph on the big white phone,” and the boy has started round two of the pukes.
Please let the daughter and I be the last people standing! If not…let it hit me so hard that I drop at least ten pounds…the last ten I need to lose before increasing my running pace by 20 seconds a mile.
Reader Comments (9)
I am so sorry. But, OMG. *gigglesnort* Been there, done that, in fact I just sent a gagging 12 year old to school.
Total bummer!!!
Oh no, Grayson got round #2? I pray Kim doesn't get round #2.
I pray nobody in your family licked anything in my house when they were over. You're not still bitter about me kicking your ass in Monopoly are you? Cause that would be some cruel payback.
My condolences. I sure hope you and the daughter can quarantine yourselves well enough to avoid it. Thanks for the chuckles, though!
Been there, not to long ago. My son caught it went to the hospital, my daughter caught it went to the hospital husband got it went to the hospital as did I. we all thought we were dying. 24 hours of non stop puking and nothing to save me because im allergic to phenergan.
C'est la vie lol. Hope everyone feels better & you and the daughter don't get sick too. I hate that....it's like if one person gets it everyone gets it. Timing on stuff like that too always seems to happen when you have something planned; wither it be a romantic evening, a vacation, or what not. Funny how that happens, huh?.
I hope you don't do what I do when someone's sick at my house...I start to notice EVERY LITTLE nauseous feeling...Sure I'm gonna lose it any minute now, certainly that little burp is a sign...I'm getting a headache...I feel feverish. Then I make it through and I'm fine. "Hey, I have hypochondria and I'm going to have to take placebos for the rest of my life!!" (From the classic show, Boy Meets World) Feel better Crying Daddy Family.
I think you sent it to my house...Hubby is sick and I totally blame you. TOTALLY.
My deepest condolences. We had something similar rip through our house a few weeks ago. It hit me the hardest and almost put me in the ER for dehydration. My poor husband was AWESOME through ti all though. He allowed me to puke and pass out in the bathroom as needed and took care of our oldest who had it at the same time as well as the healthy 3yo.