This past weekend the wife and I were pumped to have our good friends from Virginia visit. We laughed, checked out Chicago, took Pink Ducky out for fresh air and hit a few parties and bars.
All was good until we were sitting around the ole fire pit with a bunch of other friends shooting the breeze. That’s when someone clued us in to the whole “sex bracelet” phenomenon amongst those damn teen whippersnappers.
That’s right, teens are wearing the pop star Madonna and Cindi Lauper bracelets from the 80s as symbols of what kind of a whore they really are.
For those who are as ignorant to this as we were, let me quickly explain:
Person puts a specific colored jelly bracelet on.
Each bracelet means something specific the person wearing it will do.
If someone walks up to the bracelet wearer and “snaps” it off, that means the bracelet wearer has to do whatever act the bracelet color represents.
And the acts range cover a whole array of sexual stuff: Yellow means a hug, Green means oral sex performed on a girl, Pink means give a hickey, glittery Blue means anal sex, and Clear means the wearer will do whatever the “snapper” wants.
Anyone reading this blog knows I’m no prude. In fact, my first reaction to hearing this was, “damn that’s so freakin’ awesome cause I still have all the jelly bracelets my brother wore in the 80s when he was obsessed with wanting to be Madonna.”
Then I thought…”wait. I’m the father of a daughter…and son…and holy shit!!!”
Seriously, who the hell comes up with this stuff and has it catch on? Madonna’s business manager?
I totally would have been that ignorant parent seeing my daughter walk through the room wearing jelly bracelets and been all, “hey, cool, those are coming back huh? Here, I have a pink one, glittery blue one and green one (means they’re willing to 69).”
Later that night I slowly slid 37 different colored jelly bracelets on the wife as she slept.
I’m not gonna lie, I’m scared for what the future brings.
When I was a pimply little shit the worst thing we’d do is “palm” girls.
Basically reach out and grab their asses as they walked by. Usually you were dared to do this. And…99% of the time you were immediately “palmed” right back…by the girl’s open hand slapping your face.
Now, all you have to do is rip a tiny piece of plastic off a girl’s arm and you’re in there?
What’s next? Walking up to a girl and just flat out asking her to show you her boob and she has to do it?
Seriously, I’m a bit freaked out. The degradation of women is happening at a younger and younger age. I’m proud of our youth for the amazing advances they’ve made in health, world peace, and the environment.
But when it comes to sex, it seems to be moving in the opposite direction. Either that or now I’m a parent and am starting to pay attention.
Regardless…consider this blog post a public service announcement to you parents out there.
And also, just so you know, I’m writing this with a red, clear, white, glittery blue, and glittery clear bracelets.