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What I Learned In Two Weeks

Two weeks. I survived two freakin’ weeks as a single, stay-at-home dad. No, wifey hasn’t left me…yet. She does work part-time though. So, from 8 a.m. to 2:30 p.m. I was the lone individual responsible for keeping two, insane children alive and from killing themselves, or me.

So here are my thoughts and some snapshots of what went down:

1)  Stay at home moms fucking rock. And! Single parents should be given full-tax breaks and awarded Pulitzer Prizes of Awesomeness made of diamonds.

2)  My daughter is absolutely head-over-heels in love with Patrick from SpongeBob.

3)  My kids watch too much SpongeBob.

4)  Watching my boy interact with strangers on a sledding hill brings the biggest, dumbest smile to my oversized face.

5)  Checking out the view from the top of the Sears Tower is kick-ass and makes wifey poop herself.

6)  It becomes painfully difficult to find time to masturbate when children are in your life 24/7.

7)  Wait…I mean…#5 is something I heard on Oprah.

8)  Shit – I swear I did not start watching Oprah over the past two weeks. I hate that woman!!! But seriously, her holiday episode…I mean…SHIT!

9)  I get my period when I’m alone with the kids for that long of time.

10)  I found myself standing in a room at least once a day, with absolutely no idea why in the fuck I walked into it.

11)  I went grocery shopping twice with a list of over two dozen things and came out with only beer and popcorn.

12)  My daughter thinks she’s iCarly and wants to kiss a boy.

13)  iCarly is banned from this house for the next 13 years until she goes off to college.

14)  Parenting with a hangover is really really really hard.

15)  When my kids are lying on the couch, entranced with a movie, and not moving—they are the most adorable fucking things on this planet.

16)  My wife wonders what I “do all day?”

17)  I’ve learned how to turn my phone off all day, then when the wifey asks “what’s up with your phone,” I use my brand-new, off-the-shelf mid-western accent and say, “Ohh geeze…the battery died so I had to plug it in to charge and forgot to turn it back on-okay! Sorry yah!”

18)  Trying to do a cartwheel when you’re naked and alone to celebrate the children going back to school is not a good idea. The cat attacked Mr. Small-Time and almost made it Mr. No-Time.

19)  I hate…hate…hate my fucking cat. Lazy, furry, cozy, snuggle buddy. I mean..that asshat.

20)  My son and I became closer than we’ve ever been and it makes me weak in the knees.

21)  All I have to do is look in my daughter’s eyes for a split second, and she’s scrambling to sit next to me…grabbing my arm and laying it around her and across her chest.

22)  My wife has the ability to make me do whatever in the holy hell she wants me to do and I have no control over it. I painted our bedroom and hallway, and went to Ikea all in a two-day span. And I didn’t even know it happened until it was over.

23)  Three days is the limit for me not taking a shower. After that…even I’m writing myself hate-notes and slipping them under my pillow.

24)  A lot of employers don’t post available jobs during the holidays.

25)  Despite all that’s absolutely and totally fucked right now…I love my life and those who are in it.

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Reader Comments (18)

Number 10. Its sad, but so true for so many of us.

January 6, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermyturtledove

Ummm .. I mean, I'm not laughing AT you, I'm laughing WITH you ... yeah, thats it. It doesn't make me happy that you are suffering in the hell that is SAHD-dom, but damn it sure is funny anyway.

Don't worry, you will have a job before Spring Break ... ONWARD!

January 6, 2010 | Unregistered Commentercjaxon

Great stuff and a entertaining read. #4 is awesome huh, I do the same thing too.

January 6, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermyisland

Yep, that about sums up stay at home parenting. I don't even know where to start because for most of your post I was sitting here going "Uh huh, yep, exactly, ....." I'm still trying to figure out how so many of us do the stay at home gig sober every day. Especially when my 3yo does things like what he just did. He brought me 4 K'Nex pieces and says "Mommy make a circus." yeah, let me pull that out of my ass for you. Off to figure out what this circus is.

January 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

You've done it to me again, with your mischievous hyperlinks. I had to watch a few Fargo videos before getting back to comment. I was in the same situation, without the kids, last January & February. I guess without the kids it's not even kinda the same situation. I turned the heat down and wore my coat in the house to save money.

January 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKeepingYouAwake

#21, so sweet!

January 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAmber

Love it! Any job you get will seem like a cake walk after this. My guy was out of work for 14 months. He savored the first few months and then wanted to poke out his own eyes rather than fix one more turkey sandwich or chicken noodle soup for our two little "gifts from god" - Have you wife call me and teach me that mind control thing about painting the hallway - I'd pay for that.

January 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca Hession

I give you a DOUBLE GOLD STAR for enduring the SAHD role!! Honestly...I would not even give my spouse the chance. Hellllll to the Noooooo!! I even hate leaving him home with the kids on the weekends to go to the grocery store. We both work days, have an awesome babysitter...but when I work the second job night shift, I'm a nervous wreck!! :) So, yeahhhh for you! You're doing it and doing it well!
Hang in will come your way!

January 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterTerry (ezmomm)

I agree with #6. And well, really all of them.

January 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

You rock dad! I'm a single mom so I'd like my diamonds in pink, please. I look forward to your writings. Although hard to eat lunch while laughing. Motherofthemth

January 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMotherofthemth

OMG! You watch Oprah? How are you ever going to go back to work now?? And yes, we do have magical mind control powers over you. Just accept it and move on!

January 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterManiacal Mom

Ha, what SAHPs "do all day"--we desperately try to hang on to our brain cells...that's what we do all day. Seriously, I loved my time (more than a decade!) staying home with my four...but I am glad I went back to school now that they are older.

You'll be able to look back on this and remember how you got to know your kids in a new way. :)

January 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLaurie (@GoodByeGracie)

I love it! Love reading your blog dude, good times, good times....

January 6, 2010 | Unregistered Commentersnoopysnowcone

That was actually very sweet, even if sprinkled with F bombs.

January 6, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

You're a good man for giving a shout out to the stay at home moms:) ...and yes, Oprah will suck you in. Stay far, far away.

January 7, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLori Wescott

Awesome post! As a stay at home mom going on 6 years, I wholeheartedly agree with #15. In fact, it might be the only single time of silence in our household. Congratulations on no homicides in your house. At the end of each day, if everyone is still breathing, we consider it a great day. Great blog, I love it.

January 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMichelle

I so agree with numbers 1, 10, and 15. I am a SAHM and I get no fucking credit. People are always telling me how easy I have it while I am huddled in a corner rocking and talking to myself. I like my kids best when they are sleeping or watching TV, but often this statement is shunned by other parents. Just found your blog, and I have to say I am impressed.

January 14, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSabreena

-pam196 7750 panda People are all love pandas.They are only live in China.The pandas are black ang white.They look like the bear.They are nice.They eat bamboo and bamboo shoot.-People catch them for their coat.So there are no pandas in the world.

October 12, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterpam196 7750 panda

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