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« Death, Lesson, Inspiration, Timing…..Livestrong | Main | If I Put a Dirty Mag Under the Pillow Can I Get Sex? »

I Have to Pee Standing Up, Again?!

All my life I had been peeing standing up.

As a wee lad I'd wake early, stumble to the potty with my tiny morning wood and Underoos and pee all over the toilet. In high school I'd pee standing up in the ratty men's room while getting as close as I could to the urinal so no one could check out my junk. In college I'd pee standing up....well pretty much anywhere, stupidly grinning and pointing at my junk.

Then our boy was born. The bathroom was right next to his bedroom and every time I'd pee standing up the noise would wake him up. Awake baby + nighttime = suicide material. So I started peeing sitting down. And you know what? It's fucking nice!

I mean – the only time I do it is in the middle of the night and the only reason is because it’s like I’m peeing and sleeping at the same time. I can just lean my oversized watermelon head on my fist and trot-off right back to La La Land.

But recently, I’ve fallen victim to the woes you women-folk have to deal with. Remember when I created the mind-numbing image of me as a boy with a tiny morning boner peeing all over the toilet….yeah – I have a 6-year-old who’s currently enjoying that sprinkler action. So in the middle of the night when I settle in for a relaxing unmanly sleep/pee – I sit in his piss.

So now…I’m forced to give-up a secret enjoyment of life. And that’s not cool. I’m pissed about it (that pun was not intentional).

I will forever hold it against that kid and look forward to the pay back – me, 90 years old, laying on my back as he changes my wet adult diaper.

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Reader Comments (3)

What a pisser.....literally.... hahahahaha

September 4, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMeg

My wife yells at me if I pee in the water. She wants me to pee on the porcelain because it's not as noisy. I think she should just be happy if I actually make it into the toilet. Too much regulation.

September 5, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBruce Teague

I agree! I am not very well-endowed - peeing standing up results in a noisy and messy splashing. And being on the back end of middle-age, my prostate makes it difficult to piss & run. Sitting gives me extra time to be sure my bladder is empty so the last squirt doesn't end up moistening my underwear.

So I've taken to sitting to pee as much as possible, even at work.

May 31, 2010 | Unregistered Commentergeorge nobush

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