Super Dad!!....Redux
Friday, September 25, 2009 at 2:06PM Today begins round two of being a stay at home dad. The wifey took off to N.C. to be with her family and help them put her cousin to rest. Until Tuesday night, it’ll be me, the two precious bastards, a cat, two fish, and the house.
Last week when I went through this we had a pretty good time. This week…I’m gonna blow the roof of this joint. I plan on planting serious fucking memories in these kids heads—even if it kills me. I mean, the way I look at it, that’s the only real selfish benefit I get out of it.
“What do you mean you gap-toothed, big-eared freak?” you might be asking yourself.
Well, in most circumstances I’d be banking the living hell out of the days I’ve spent as a single dad. I’d be keeping a pretty little row of binge drinking cards, sex cards, oh hell no you’re cooking tonight cards, and why don’t you wipe her ass this time cards. But wifey’s dealing with a death in the family, which just shits all over my capability to get any benefit from being Mr. Mom.
I can’t whip-out my kick-ass cards to ask her to spend the week rubbing my feet, clipping my fingernails, shaving my back, taking care of the kids, feeding me dinner, and watching football. I can’t make plans to hit the Irish pub with the dudes. And I certainly can’t plop down next to her on the couch wearing my crotchless SpongeBob thong and leather mask holding a picture of PeeWee Herman and say “let’s do this.”
So instead, I’m gonna funnel all that energy towards the two midgets in the house. We’re gonna hit a birthday party, ride some bikes, maybe put a dent in Kiddieland, eat lots of ice cream, play kickball, roast marshmallows in the fire pit, and maybe even chase the cat around the house and shave our names in him.
And when the wife comes home I’ll help her move past this tragedy in her life and then over time we’ll all fall back into our routine. Oh sure, I’ll have the urge to ask her to shave my toes…. and even to wear the SpongeBob thong (I may wear them under my pants..just in case.), but I won’t.
Instead, hopefully she’ll look through all the shitty photos I take of the kids and feel relaxed that even though she married a sex-crazed douche – I can still support her in a time of need.
PeeWee Herman, SpongeBob, cat, daughter, death, drinking, son, stay at home dad, wife
Reader Comments (8)
Ok. so i almost didn't click all the links. Fuck, now i wish i hadn't. I am going to dream of all that and when i wake up at 3 am wonder why the fuck a hairy pee-wee herman was wearing a crotchless spongebob thong, i am going send you a little mental ass kick. you have been warned.
=)
hahaha....sorry Megan. But I love burying those links. Sorry they scarred you for life and that your dreams will be haunted but the thing you just described.....just don't look it in the eyes!!
You continue to impress me and do it while cracking me up! I hear you on the card thing. My husband played a gig with his band after we took our girls to see The Wiggles on our 10 year anniversary, I'm still waiting to play that card. Maybe I'll pull it out this year on our 11th! Mostly though, I'm trying to do away with the scorecard. (Although I am the one who mows the grass in this wonderful Florida heat and humidity. That has to count for something.)
Anyway, you take care of the kiddos and the wifey when she gets back! Is she from NC too? And after reading Megan's comment I might have to go click on your links. Isn't funny how someone says "Fuck, I wish I hadn't looked." and it makes you want to look?
Leslie - ha - yeah, definitely use that card. I try not to keep track either, but then I slowly get sucked in by it. It's human nature to wanna keep things equal... And YES!! look at the links. That's sort of my underlining second level of trying to be funny is by adding weird links to shit.
Thanks so much for reading!!! You're the bestest!
Hysterical!!! I also clicked through all the links!!( as always) I'm a little creeped out as well.... LOL
Awesome post, as always!
Glad you likey MIchele!!! Thanks for reading!
I've been stalking you for a while... reading here and there, laughing in secret but time to come out of the closet. I love your blog, it's the only dad blog I read and I find it so refreshing (sometimes cringe-worthy like some of your links here, but still refreshing!). Sounds like you're doing just what your wife needs... maybe pull on those tight leather pants you mentioned a while back in a tweet and parade your kids around town. That could create some memories.
My first real stalker!!!! Does this mean I've finally earned my wings as a blogger?!
Seriously Becca - that's fucking awesome - thanks so much. You've made my day to say the least. And believe me...when I go to pick her up at the airport..those leather pants and the crotchless SpongeBob pants will be on in full effect... She's a lucky lucky lady.