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My Six-Year-Old the EMO Teenager

Seriously…what the fuck has happened to my sweet little, Opie Taylor-lookin’ six-year-old?

After school, he comes strolling out, gives his mom a quick nod of the head, like “sup” and just keeps strolling by. Doesn’t want anyone talking to him, hanging near him, or anything. He gets in the car and he’s all EMO and shit. He’s pushing his hair down in the front and looking angrily out the window.

In my mind I’m wondering what in the holy hell does he have to be all emotional about at this age? Did Suzie refuse to share a cookie with you? Did Samantha not accept your Valentine? Did Timmy get a pubic hair before you did? Did the teacher make you learn how to write the letter B when you really wanted to write D? Did I forget to put the PB in your PB&J? Did Kanye steal the stage from you?

He’s got this other thing going on that makes me want to turn a fifth of anything upside down….. He’ll kick his sister. She’ll scream. I’ll say, “Grayson!! Stop kicking your sister.”

Then he leaps up, looking shocked, both arms sticking out with palms up, eyes wide opn, and starts launching into a high-pitched, screaming explanation as to why he just kicked her and how it’s her fault.

I cut him off. “Grayson, I don’t want to hear it, just stop kicking her.”

He then says, “You never listen to me. You never wanna hear what I have to say. You don’t care!” He then goes stomping off crying and sits in his bedroom curled up. I swear, if he had a radio with headphones, he’d put them on, stare at his Clash poster on the wall, and write long prolific poems in his journal about how misunderstood he is.

I’m not ready for this shit just yet. So I write the following while on my knees:

Dear Whatever You Are That Turns Kids Into Teenagers:

Not fucking yet, please. My kids rocks and he’s too young to cross over to the dark side. Keep his voice high-pitched, his mouth smiling, and his brain uncluttered from all that testosterone.

That’d be greeeat. Thanks!

Grayson’s Dad


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Reader Comments (12)

Yeah don't expect it to get any better. Last night my 13 year old was acting just like that. Then he had the nerve to look surprised when I made him turn over his phone.

September 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKBnB

Mack too. The hell? I plan to be drunk for their adolescence. So let it be written. So let it be done.

September 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

This is so hilarious and I am so sorry. I am planning to comment on your boob post but speaking of becoming teenagers, the other day my 5-year-old told me she can't wait until she gets boobies like mine. My husband and I can totally wait for that. It is a very scary thought!

September 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLeslee Horner

This scares me.

September 16, 2009 | Unregistered Commentererin

Seems to be a lot of frightened people from this post. Glad to know I'm sharing the pain with many other parents. Don't be scared Erin...we all love you. Leslee...your husband, you and I all share the same boobies for looong time.

September 16, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

Keep him a "little boy" as long as possible. Do little boy stuff w/him: catch, bike riding, fishing. And by all means NEVER buy him a cell phone. They grow-up soooo fast. I have a 12 yo girl that has been acting 16 since she was 6. Frustrating, very Frustrating. Good luck with your sweet boy.

September 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnnMarie

Thanks AnnMarie - I intend to do just that. He's a kick-ass dude and I'm totally committed to a solid relationship with him....

September 16, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

Yeah, do not get him a cell phone. My 15 year old future stepson is GLUED to his...I'm serious, the thing is like attached to his hand. It's either always his best friend (who I call his girlfriend just to irritate him haha) or a girl. That he met on MySpace. Yeah, don't get me started on that one either.

And add to the fact his 12 year old sister thinks she's 21...I'm surprised my alcohol collection doesn't get a little lower when they're up here.

September 16, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJamie

I get this. Our 6 yo is showing similar behaviours; extracting any info about school or anything else for that matter is BRUTAL, temper that with back chat and blasting Michael Jackson in his room (I can atleast laugh at that one), makes me ask, "Seriously"? I figure I gotta spend more time busting out the Legos, take him for a smoothie, and play checkers & rugby (well that last one is dads) with him more; in an effort to pull back the boy we know from whatever has taken control of him lately. Good luck!

September 17, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBarbara

Your kids are so adorable. But you're screwed. I'm screwed as well. Welcome to the club. And by club I mean the beer of the month club. You better join now. You're going to need it. Did I mention how adorable your kids are? Your wife must be a knockout because they didn't get those looks from their dad. Totally kidding. Well not kidding about your wife being a knockout. I'm sure she is. And your kids are adorable. I wasn't kidding about that part either. Ok I'm going to go take my meds now. Be careful or your kids will grow up to be like me. Just sayin'.

September 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSingle Mom Survives

My 10 yo son acts the EXACT same way. Good to know I am not alone in this..

Listen to me, if your kid hasn't gotten better in 5 years, he wants you to listen. Don't call him "EMO and shit", accept him. Tell him that you and your wife are ready to listen to him and all he has to say. He might be hiding something, maybe he is kicking his sister because the kids at his school are pressuring him. The kids might also be bullying him, making fun of him, (and maybe his face), so he hides it with his hair. Black "goes with anything", so that is why some people dye their hair, to blend in. If he dyes it, don't call him "EMO and shit", talk to him as of why he wants to. Ask one of his teachers to monitor him one day, but not too close, not obvious, and not to interfere with anything that goes on, even bullying, (If it happens). Who knows, maybe he likes a boy instead of a girl, he might be scared you don't accept him and he wants to hide it because he thinks you might treat him the way people do at school, (If it happens). And did you think about taking him to a therapist? Don't treat him like crap, kids can be depressed. Maybe he kicked his sister because a girl was mean to him at school, or he wanted to be 'bigger' than someone, or feel bigger, at least. Don't treat him like crap or talk about him behind his back, and do NOT go to other parents for help. They don't know your child, they don't know your situation at home or in his school. Ask a professional, if you must, but make sure you tell them about your child, your home situations, and anything that has happened in the past that could reflect on this. And don't accuse kids of being depressed for some stupid reason, because your child probably understands more than you think. People sometimes forget that children are influenced by their parents or the people around them. He could've heard a phone call, or listened from the staircase. If he doesn't want to talk, don't push him, and let him stare angrily through a window. Get him some music, music can help you through a lot, I know for a fact, and let him stare at his Clash poster all day long. Don't be a bad Dad, be your kid's hero.


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