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« The Wifey & I Have a Talk | Main | A Good Day »

I Would Totally Suck as a Terrorist

So this sack of shit Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab tried to blow up an airplane coming into Detroit on ChristmasDay. There’s so many screwed up things wrong with this picture I don’t even know where to begin. I guess the most important is—why Detroit? I mean seriously…I have a new respect for Detroit living in Chicago and being so close to Michigan – but damn, Detroit is struggling!!! It’s the poster child for our shitty economy! So what in the hell kind of damage is dropping a plane in Detroit gonna do to the bigger USA picture? (no offense people that live there—I only mean that hypothetically!)

Anyway, the bottom line is, this sack of shit made it through security with all kinds of crap tied to his body. I kinda wish I’d thought of that earlier. I totally would have strapped my after-shave, mouthwash, and hair gel to my thighs and hips if I’d known I would have just breezed through security. Damn I hate learning kick-ass lessons from other people.


(Yes, this is really me. I'd like to thank the wifey for having the patience

to take this. I'd like to also thank Baby Jesus for being there, and most of

all, Marmaduke for just being you my man.)

But, I guess I have many down-falls which pretty much would keep me off any potential terrorist list that ever existed. What? What are they? Well…OK – here’s the top 10 reasons why I’d fuckin’ suck as a terrorist.

1)  Literally the second after I walk out of a store from buying the wifey a present, I call 10 people to tell them what it is, and usually within one minute of walking in the door, I’m all “so wanna open a present early? I mean, cause you should. Cause I bought you something, wanna see it?!”

2)  I HATE any type of clothing or straps touching my body. Hence the Pants Optional Friday. Seriously, when I had to wear a heart monitor for a day, strapped to my belly with wires attached to my chest…I just laid in bed all day wanting to die.

3)  As much as I’ve flown during my life you’d think it was comfortable for me. And it kinda is…but not so much. So mix that with me being on a plane knowing I’m gonna blow it up!!! I’d drink to try and deal with it, then I’d get all “let’s party bitches!!!” and then I’d rip my shirt off and everyone would see the explosives and it just wouldn’t be pretty.

4)  I get nervous taking my cell phone through security. I mean, what if they confiscate the picture I pic-messaged the wifey last year of my...well, of my "thingy?" I mean, I was kinda proud of it, so I really wouldn’t mind if they stole it…but I’m pretty sure the wifey would be horrified. She called me within two minutes of sex-texting that pic to her, all “what the fuck is your problem? You just sent me a picture of your ding-a-ling? What’s wrong with you?!”

5)  I’m pretty sure that at the rate I’m going with this blog…I would have already written about my potential efforts to be a terrorist before it even happened which probably would have ended badly.

6)  My son would talk me out of it. His soul is still untainted and solid and I love him for that. If only we could all stay that way! He’d totally be all “but daddy why? Airplanes are good. And they’re all shiny and stuff and look cool in the sky and when they fly-by all loud and stuff I can say ‘shit’ and ‘damn’ and you won’t hear me cause they’re so loud!!”

7)  Because I have the whitest, most non-threatening name there could possibly be. And…well….I look like I’m too much of a tool to even be considered as a terrorist. They’d pull me aside for “special screening” and just spend 10 minutes laughing, all “if I ever look this white, just shoot my ass.”

8)  I can’t even light a damn grill without screwing it up. Seriously! I admit it…I’ve walked away from a fully-stocked grill, full gas tank, in total frustration cause I couldn’t get the damn thing light. And I swear as I walked away, the damn thing lit itself.

9)  Cause I’m too fucking tired to plot a damn thing. I mean, I’ve been with the kids for a month, with no job, only a few hours of the day alone, and I’m tired. Checking my email puts me over the edge. I just want to sleep….let alone strap shit on, fight traffic to the airport, sit next to some chatter box, act all normal and shit, then at the end have to remember what mixes with what and why? Screw that man!

10)  Cause I’m just not that angry. I mean…I’m angry when the wifey says, “can’t we just watch TV for a bit” when I ask her for sex, but that doesn’t want to make me blow shit up! Well…maybe it does, but not a plane!

So in conclusion – I’m lucky I can even breathe on my own and tie my own shoes. Oh – and I hope Umar Farouk Abdul Mutallab gets a hot poker in his ass…twice.

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Reader Comments (19)

Something happened in Detroit? You have become my news source, which probably says something about my interaction with regular news sources.

I know what you mean though, I would have a hard time sitting next to some chatty bastard, or seat encroaching group without blurting out "I have a bomb and I'm going to kill all of you motherfuc*ers, if you don't sit in your own seats and shut the fuc* up."

I might just say that anyway, if I didn't think I'd probably get ass-probed for it.

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKeepingYouAwake

You are a flipping riot, mister! I absolutely LOVE the picture! Trust me, I'd have my Kerastase hair products taped to my boobs too if I'd known how easy it'd be to pass them through. And I loved your #3 reason -- I'd be the same way too, having to have a calm down drink or 2. As always, another awesomely hilarious post! Keep 'em coming! :-)

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered Commenternuckingfutsmama

Ha! Love the pic, great job!! I live 15 minutes from the Detroit airport.... No offense taken! You are totally right.... This place is a dump! If it weren't for my hubby being one of the lucky few to still have a job around here and the fact that our house is worth half of what we owe on it, therefore we can't sell it, we would SO be gone from this place!!!

Well written, as usual. Keep 'em coming!

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMommyTo6Kids

haha LOVE the post, and especially the Hello Kitty band-aids tied to your thigh!

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

So fucking funny! Bwwwahhaaaaaaaaaa

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMotherofthemth

Great post ! Thanks for making me laugh. I love the picture...hats off to your wife for being a good sport.

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered Commentersassygael

love the hello kitty bandaids. lmfao

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMegan

Oh how Hello Kitty must feel violated being that close to your man junk LOL

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMzFuller8

That was a riot-and dude, great legs!!!

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterSnoopysnowcone

Loved the post but don't act like you don't tie stuff to your junk on a daily basis lover :)

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the House

My eyes!!! That being said, very funny, as always.

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkathygee1

#3 - I've wittnessed you on an airplane and remember vividly your face turning so pale it was almost blue, the sweat dripping down your forehead (or would that be fivehead?) and your hands bunched up so tightly you had white knuckles! And it was just a one hour flight! No, dear, you could NEVER be a terrorist, thank god!

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKaren

You better watch what you write, whitey. They're watching.

Always watching.

Love the hellokitty bandaids!

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLindsaydianne

Once again another side splitting post good sir!! Now where did I put that hot poker??

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAvionicsMan


December 28, 2009 | Unregistered Commenter@edschober

See now you missed the opportunity to tape those bottles more strategically. Not only would you have gotten through security, but would have likely gotten a date due to your well packed "luggage".

December 28, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

I think the Hello Kitty BandAids would definitely keep you off the watch list.

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda

What the hell is going through this guys head that he jams a syringe between his balls and then tries to light the plane on fire during descent into Detroit?? The guys and idiot and I hope they put him in general population...then he'll really know the meaning of his ass feeling like it's been lit on fire!

December 29, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterManiacal Mom

This was hilarious. Based on your rationales, I believe I'd make a sucky terrorisr too. I can't keep a secret to save me life. I constantly want to tell people what their wrapped presents are and I hate going through airport security!

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