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Why is Daddy Crying?

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Q & A With "Why Is Daddy Crying?"

@MotherhoodFilm asks: What do you think of women who use the word "like" in a sentence repeatedly?

I was hoping you’d stop the question right after the word “woman.” Well, like, I totally think women who like say “like” all the time, or like totally not women at all….but girls. It like reminds me of last week when I like totally sat behind these two college girls who like OMG, drove me fucking nuts. And, I totally didn’t have my like, iPod. I was sooo, just….like OMG, OMG, OMG. I finally went and like slammed my head in a door for the rest of the train ride. Like…

@TrishB asks: How did you meet your wife, how did you know she was the one & how did you propose?

Jesus TrishB…get all up in my business why don’t you…. Seriously, we’re high school sweethearts. We met our junior year – she was the new girl in school – all the other girls wanted me dead or were tired of my stupid shit. She came walking into class wearing these white, tight jeans. Her ass mesmerized me and it was love at first…I knew she was the one. I proposed one day by walking in from work, flipping a ring at her and saying, “Let’s do this shit!!” Seriously – I spent months putting money down on a ring while we were in college. I finally put enough down to where the guy was willing to let me have it. I drove 6 hours to see her at her college, proposed, and she broke up with me. Aaahhh those were the days.

@ryanashleyscott asks: Do you enjoy playing cars w/ the kids? I gotta say, I really don't - but I'm thinking it's because I'm mom, not dad.

I enjoy playing cars with the boy for about 5 minutes. From that point on it’s a struggle. But I’m pretty much that way with everything….golf, sex, work, doing backflips, staring into my neighbor’s windows, streaking town hall meetings, painting random kids along the side of the road blue as they walk home from school….

@MamaBennie asks: How are you so fucking awesome?!?!?

By “so fucking awesome” I’m gonna take a stab that you really mean “such a fuck-stick.” For years people have pondered that question. My dad was the most vocal – “Jesus Christ…how are you even able to stand on two legs you fuck-stick?” My brother just beat me with sticks…and occasionally shot at my feet with a pellet gun. I hear my wife praying sometimes when she thinks I’m asleep – “dear lord…make this fuck-stick disappear. Honestly…I didn’t know what I was getting into and you’re all about forgiveness and stuff…so whatta say fella?!! Wanna give a girl her dream to start fresh?!”

Sorry I couldn’t answer it…’s just one of those unanswerable things….

@4uandme asks: Why is daddy cryin'?

Because fucking Twitter has a restriction on how many letters can be in your name. I wanted to have the “g” on the end, but nnnoooooo…can’t do that can we TWITTER?!!

@hotmom_of3 asks: What are you going to be for Halloween?

BJ Brittany from Twitter

@GratefulKim asks: U work, U cook, U help with the kids, UR funny, U love & honor your wife, U write...what is your advice for men?

Well GratefulKim…I’d like to thank you for helping me shoot to the top of the Dude Hit List. Why would you blow my cover like that woman?! Now all the husbands are gonna try and put a cap in my ass. My advice dudes….don’t do shit around the house. I don’t do jack around the house…I make the woman do it. That’s why I got married, so I could sit around and….hold on, what honey……no…no, I was just….yes dear..I mean ma’am…yes ma’am.

I gotta go.

@GratefulKim asks: What is the meaning of life?

Didn’t you just ask a question? You’re that kid in the backseat during carpool who can’t just chill…you gotta know EVERYTHING. Are we there yet? Why is the sky blue? Why does mommy need the mailman to go upstairs just to pay him for the mail?

The meaning of life is good beer, good laughs, good friends, and experiencing true love.

@GratefulKim asks: Boxers or briefs?

Jesus, you ARE that kid. You’re as bad as I am with the questions… Do people go running screaming from you sometimes?

I go commando GratefulKim. I let the boys breathe whenever I can. But during the winter – it’s boxer-briefs. Actually...I lied. I wear boxer-briefs all the time. I even blogged about it once. Except on Pants Optional Fridays…then…well…ya know.

@GratefulKim asks: What is the best surprise your wife could give you that doesn't involve sex or groping?

Holy shit GratefulKim…..all right. Let’s make a deal. I’ll keep answering your questions if you promise to buy me a beer for every question I answer? Deal lady?!

I’m not sure I understand how something can be called a “surprise” if it doesn’t involve sex or groping. I mean…sex and groping is….well when it happens it’s a huge surprise. I guess outside of that I’d have to say that I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle…without her telling me I’ll shoot my eye out.

@grnladybug asks: Do you believe in extraterrestrial life out there and if so, are they cooler or crazier than we are.

I used to scoff at the thought of extraterrestrial life forms. Then…Sarah Palin came on the scene and since then, I’ve seriously changed my mind.

@Jabulani9 asks: OK, Daddy, why were you cuddling mummy like that last night? You don't cuddle me that way.

Seriously…are you on crack? Did your parents drop you as a kid? There’s no cuddling going on in the WhyIsDaddyCrying estate.

@barbaragaines asks: What are Santa eyedrops?

You mean the eyedrops my daughter says Santa’s gonna bring her for her pink eye? Click here to see.

@allconsoffun asks: What's the best advice/worst advice you parents ever gave you? Please support your answers in a 25 word minimum essay style format.

Best: “Hey boy…come here and listen close cause I’m only gonna say it once… Don’t ever piss on an electric fence.

Support: Pulling your pecker out and using it where everyone can see is not smart. Keep that guy to yourself and whoever you’re with …and use it wisely. You’ll live longer and happier if you do.

Worst: “Hey boy….come here and listen close cause I’m only gonna say it once….drink the milk in the pink container…it’s strawberry milk.

Support: Even though the container was pink, it was just regular milk inside. Making personal decisions based on the exterior look of things is the most ignorant way to live your life. Read the carton, open it, sniff it, taste it, get to know it…then make your decision.

@crazysahm asks: Would you accept the Snuggie if it came with two options: 1) spots for beer cans and 2) BJ Britney.

Ab-so-fucking-lootly. But then afterwards I’d burn it.

@sassygael asks: Why aren't kids freaked by Yo Gabba Gabba like adults are?

I’m personally insulted by this question. I happen to watch Yo Gabba Gabba while stoned, at least 5 or 6 times a day. I have learned so much from that show that it’s ridiculous. “Freaked out?” About what? From learning awesome things like that you shouldn’t bite your friends? Or that there’s a party in your tummy? That freaks you out? You know what – you freak me out?

I’m sorry about that…that was mean… You wanna go smoke and watch Yo Gabba Gabba with me?

@drlori71 asks: What do you think is the most annoying kids show on TV?

Holy shit that’s easy. Caillou. Holy mother of all things that make me want to rip my ears off, shove them up my own ass, throw myself through a glass window, and run into oncoming traffic….I hate, hate, hate that show. His voice makes me…well…it makes me want to do everything I just said. I want nothing but misery for everyone of those characters on that show. I hope they all become crack addicts and featured on Intervention.

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Reader Comments (15)

I learned so much from this Q &A... like, if I ask you enough questions, I can get your ass drunk.

I agree with you on Yo Gabba Gabba! It's a show that you have to watch stoned to fully appreciate. Of course, this is from the woman who owns HER OWN DJ LANCE HAT & GLASSES...

Now I want to do a Q &A, but I don't know enough people who want to even bother asking me where the restroom is.

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

LOL I knew you couldn't answer my question, I just wanted to see what you would say, and I must admit I LOVE IT. and BTW the most annoying show on TV is my daughter's favorite, and it is Wow Wow Wubbzy. I would like to put a cheese grater to my forehead everytime it is on.

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

this is one of the best blogs ever! I can feel the love in each one of your answers. I just wish I could have thought of a question! Also, I think you're, like, my long lost brother or something... cause we're I'm totally right here ::gesturing eye connection w/ two fingers:: on ALL of your answers... ESPECIALLY the Caillou one. Just saying his name makes me want to cut my ears off. What kind of name is Caillou anyway? Another annoying cartoon -- Max & Ruby.

ok.. now it's time to curl in a ball until I can get the damn Max & Ruby theme song out of my head.

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterldabbs

You are a freakin' ROCK STAR! Do it again! Do it again!

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnnMarie

Awesome! I totally agree with you about Caillou! That show is terrible and I don't understand kids love for it!

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Bare Essentials Today

This was almost as entertaining as "A night with Kevin Smith".....Almost. Don't want to go inflating your ego haha.

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterBrittany

I am thinking that the author should post a guest blog entry with the REAL answers to these questions from an Honest sibling

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterNORM

yah b/c i was LMAO!! at almost EVERY.SINGLE.WORD.READ, i interrupted my kid watching TV. flu-boy had to come be nosy & see what was so funny....i'm not allowed to play with you anymore....unless we tone it down a lil....

you are a fuckin' rockstar. i now have proof... ::bookmarks THIS blog entry to read again if i ever doubt your rockstardom again::

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterallconsoffun

Hey, it's me..the kid in the backseat. husband always tells me "I have a need to know"...ha ha...can you tell? Actually I just like to play along and this was LIKE the most fun I have LIKE had in, OMG, LIKE a totally long time. And I'm not offended in the least fucking bit that you have made fun of us that totally LIKE talk this way, you California-slang-hating bastard. LMAO...j/k, j/k, j/k, j/k, j/k. I feel so dirty now for talking like a sailor. LIKE, OH MY GOD, I need a shower. And where's my snuggie when I need it? :)

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKim Jenkins

How did I miss out on this?!? You are the best! I love your answer to the meaning of life! And I will never forget the episode of Calliou where he squirts his dad in the face with the water hose and dad laughs and says something like "Oh Calliou." Yeah right, that realistic!!

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLeslee Horner

Even with beer holders and Brittany, once you put that Snuggie on the guys are going to take you out like Bambi's mothers. Hysterical.

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterAnother Hot Mess

Encore please! You are not just a rock star you are DA BOMB! I am giving you a Standing O for that performance!

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterkirsten

You're kinda odd, huh? That was bloody funny though!

October 14, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterFeistykel

Lisa - where's the restroom?!!?

MamaBennie - wow...a cheese grater? All that will do is disfigure yourself. You've got to choose something a bit more constructive if you're looking to end the misery. Jumping from buildings..slamming heads in doors...laying on train tracks...those are productive pain killers.... should be so lucky that the theme song is what drives you nuts..for's that motherfucker's voice...the wining, crying, the razor blades on the eardrums...

AnneMarie - Please see the earlier question regarding "fuck-stick"...I know that's what you really meant my dear

TheBareEssentials - yeah yeah - Caillou blah blah..can I just say you and your site rocks. Thanks!

Brittany - head didn't explode, but you are walking on hallowed ground with that comparison. I'm gonna let you have that back to think about, ponder, re-group on, then come back with your final comment/decision. In the meantime - thanks for making my lifetime with that comment.

NORM - my dear brother...I called him shortly after he posted this and he was quick to say he actually didn't "read" my blog. Read it - then I'll gladly toss some guest blog space your way my man. Don't talk about it - fucking do it!!

allconsoffun - you're my hero...seriously, true kickass lady on Twitter and you're the best. I hope I don't run out of gas on this thing..if I do - send me the link this and I'll re-live my peak moment with you.

KimJenkins - like seriously...the questions were like totally the shit and I'm like OMG - I can't believe KimJenkins even gave me the time of day. I'd totally like carry her lunch-tray to her table if she asked me and here she is like totally commenting on my blog and stuff.... You're the shit lady!!!

Leslee - everyone should read your blog on a regular basis. It's a kick-ass mix of religion meets real world meets "think it fucking through kids." Sorry you missed out too - but I'll probably do it again based on the response to this. Keep being the shit!!!

AnotherHottMess - I have no doubt...wearing the Snuggie will do anything shy of making me a target for any douche holding a rifle within a 400 yard radius. BJ Brittany better be all she claims to be...

Kirsten - don't stand up...don't do it sister...cause I'll come running for ya and give you one of them full-on bear hugs where I squeeze, you can't breathe, legs are off the ground, I'm being too much of an idiot to realize you can't breathe and next thing you know....we're 911'n it. Thanks lady - I appreciate the awesome comment.

Feistykel - I haven't even begun to scratch the surface on my where near lady. Buckle's about to start...

October 14, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

thanks for answering my question drinking buddy;) it all makes sence now why daddy is cryin' the other questions where awesome too great to read funny as hell. You indeed gotta do this again, wondering what kind what kind of ones you will get then.

October 15, 2009 | Unregistered Commenteringrid

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