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Steve Irwin Took Over My Body

So every day I commute into the city on the train. It’s about a 20 min. ride with about 6 stops along the way. But shhhh…don’t tell wifey, she thinks it’s an hour train ride with 18 stops along the way and that I have to walk up-hill both ways to get to and from the iron beast.

I love the train...I get to listen to music, read, catch-up on work, go through emails, and stare randomly at strangers…a hobby of mine I’ve perfected.

Yesterday I hopped on a late train and was beat. Just before it takes off, I got in the simultaneous double-wammy of shit situations. I’m 6’3” so I take up some room in the seat. Along comes Mr. 6’1” overweight dude who feels like squeezing in next to me. At the exact same time comes this mousey-looking lady who slides in right in front of me with her just purchased, fresh out of the oven, roast beef sandwich loaded the fuck down with onions.

Once my urge snap her neck, bust out a window and throw Big Boy on to the tracks subsided, I kicked into observation mode. The mousey lady plowed through a sandwich like I’ve never seen anyone do. Meanwhile, with her other hand, she’s doing shit in Excel on her laptop that makes The Matrix look like ColecoVision. All of a sudden I see her snap her head to the right and look at a dude across the isle.

I quickly pause my iPod to get the low-down on what’s getting her panties all in a wad and I hear it ….a loud pop… Her head immediately snaps back at him with another “die you son-of-a-bitch chewing gum popper” look. This onion-eating, whole sandwich swallower, Excel goddess hates gum-poppers. I thought that was the oddest fucking thing. And this dude couldn’t give two shits. He had his headphones on and was playing some game on his cell phone and suckin’ on a tallboy Bud Light.

I felt like the Crocodile Hunter reborn. I wanted to take my umbrella like a mic. and have Big Boy take the camera as I crouch behind the seat in the isle and start filming me as I said (*in an awfully shitty Australian accent):

Krikey!! We have an incredible stage being set for what will play out as blood-bath of amazing proportions. Mother Nature’s fury will be unleashed on this suburban commuter train. Just over this seat I’m crouched behind is a healthy Type-A, male-hating, accountant known as Psycho Scary Midget Bitch. Her natural predator is just on the other side of this seat…a scumbag shoe salesman who purposefully leaves his zipper down on sales calls, is known on Twitter as @sexyramone, and has masturbated twice a day since he was 12—the Annoying Sloth Bastard. His mating call is the popping of gum, which agitates the Psycho Scary Midget Bitch. In a mere seconds…he’s going to give what will sure to be his last mating call as the Psycho Scary Midget Bitch is going to spring from her habitat, slice him from groin to chin before he……..

Just then my train stopped and I had to get off. I was dying to know how it ended….just as much as I was dying to escape the horror of onions, gum popping, sneezing, Big Boy, cell phone screamers, and a shit-ton of other nightmares loading that train down. But I can tell you one thing.... she sure as shit knew Excel.

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Reader Comments (14)

Ok, that's freakin' hilarious. I could so hear it.

I'm bummed you couldn't take video.


October 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterT

Looks like you have fun everyday on the train :-). I take the bus each day, but never had so much fun like you had today. Thanks for sharing this amazing story, I really can smell the onions hear the gum popping next to me. Enjoy your ride tomorrow .-).

October 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMegan Donovan

I hate gum poppers too. Chewing it is one thing; sharing it with your face is w-a-y another!!

I loved your imagery of the passengers on the train with you. Having travelled the 90 mins (genuinely an hour and a half; not your 90 mins!!) from London back to home, there are some strange folk living on this little island Toto!! I make things worse because I actually talk to the folk around me...but then I'm a foreigner so I can get away with it. And I'm not the type of passenger who plays their iPod sooo loud that I - and the 83 others around me - have a share in whatever-the-hell-shite-that-is-could-you-please-turn-it-down-before-I-insert-it-into-your-intestines *smiles sweetly to show just a hint of fang*

October 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterJabulani

HA! Love this! As a Southern California native, I have never known the pleasure (?) of riding trains, except for the little kiddie ones in malls.

I fucking LOATHE Excel.

October 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterLisa

I can totally understand Psycho Scary Midget Bitch's reaction to the gum chewer. I can't stand "hearing" someone chew gum. I have two coworkers who have me grinding my teeth whenever they get too close. You could get a great Steve Irwin episode from watching me. Oh, and I excel at Excel too. LOL

October 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKat

And THIS is why when my husband gets home from his "60 minute" commute home on the train he has NO right to complain... It's way more entertaining than the Wrestle Mania, force feeding, whining, almost bathtub drowning I've been witnessing during the same hour at home.

October 1, 2009 | Unregistered Commenterbecca

Too bad you couldn't video tape it. I so don't miss taking the train at all! But she seems kind of impressive and shit...what with all she can do with a roast beef sammie while working in Excel. That shit is hard yo!

October 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterThe Bare Essentials Today

That is some scary sounding stuff. I live so far in the sticks that we only commute by golf carts, bikes and cars. Trains, huh? With onions. And poppers. How do you know who's the dude with the knife? Or the lady with lice?

Glad I'm commuting (30 minutes) to the next town. Whew (You are a funny, funny man)!

October 1, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterMartie

T - I installed a camera on the rim of my baseball hat..I'll never miss an opportunity again.

Thanks Megan...sorry I made you smell the onions...that was just icing on the cake....mmmmm....caaaake...

Jabulani - kinda made me shit myself a little bit there..haha. I never talk to strangers because I know it will unleash their mouths to tell me all kinds of stupid I couldn't care less about. More power to you with that...

Lisa...I just sent you an e-invite to a party I'm holding to bash 100 discs of Windows Excel with a hammer. It'll be a blast - see you then!!

I guess I understand the gum thing if you deal with it every day at work..but on a short train ride... Can you please teach Lisa and me to excel at Excel? But wait till after our Excel bashing bash? Thanks!'s much rougher...I umm....I just made it sound all rosey...It's much much...hey look - something shiny over there - *runaway runaway!!

Bare Essentials...she definitely was the queen of multitasking. With all she was doing I was surprise she had any other part of her body tuned to anything else. I don't think she was really real...she had to be part robot.

Martie - I would love to commute by golf cart...although I think I'd get killed a hell of a lot quicker cruising down Michigan Ave. in a golf cart, than on the train. Thanks for the compliment!!

October 2, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

hahahahaha! You had me at Krikey :)

That was toooo funny...made me remember my own train commutes into Toronto (before I had kids) and one trip in particular where the guy sitting facing me fell asleep and drooled down the front of his sweatshirt for the entire trip!! It was disgusting but I couldnt take my eyes off of him! I love people watching too!

October 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKelly Smith

Just read your 'about me' page and laughed out loud-maybe you are the mysterious drooler??ever commuted by train to Toronto??hmmm

October 2, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterKelly Smith

I Love people watching! It is just so fascinating to see what makes people tick.

October 3, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterHeather Buckner

Krikey Shelle!!!

Kelly - that reminds me of pretty much every day of my life. It's a challenge for me to keep drool in my mouth...I have to wear bibs. But...I've never been to Toronto. He could have been my long-lost brother. Did he have a huge gap in his teeth, big ears, and randomly scream "fuck!"? IF so - yeah, he's family.

Heather...I couldn't agree more.

October 4, 2009 | Registered CommenterSedg311

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