It's A Brand New Year!

Well…I’m back after a two-week hiatus.

The fam and I took a little trip to North Carolina to recharge, enjoy some family and friends during the holidays, and to ditch the kids for multi-night excursions of gallivanting, drinking, thumb-wrestling, and graffiti by moon-light.

I thought about boring you with a play-by-play of our 12.5-hour trip from Chicago to North Carolina with a young nipper in the back who decided to grace us with the puke bug three hours into the trip.

But, I’m just not talented enough to pull off a puke story that doesn’t involve Bobcat Goldthwait, a tiger, a cage-match with two moles, and the Sanford and Son intro song as background music.

So, instead… I’m going to do what we all must do this time every year and toss out a snippet from the much longer version of…

My New Year’s Resolutions

I only ran just over 500 miles last year. The lowest mileage I’ve had since Brett Farve first realized he could pic text the contents of his jockstrap to sideline hotties. This year…I WILL break 1,000 miles by December 31.

I’m going to finally stop giving a fuck what other people think!! I mean…if…if it’s cool with you? If not, I could always postpone it another year or so, or something like that. I don’t know. Hey, I just found $5 on the ground. Want it?!!

When I finally shave my beard I will keep a handlebar mustache for longer than two hours!

To finally get my half-sleeve tattoo finished…without going bankrupt.

I will not sleep, eat, or read to my children until I make it to the Presidential debate, earn the right to hold a mic, and ask the question: “Mr. President. You have made it clear in previous campaigns for your current position that you are opposed to the war in Iraq. You worked hard to repeal the “don’t ask don’t tell” military policy, and are working closely with other UN constituents to keep North Korea at bay despite Sarah Palin’s belief they are our ally. So I ask you…will you vehemently support the growing Pants Optional Friday movement?!!”

To go to bed each night having my kids tell me they love me…unsolicited.

This year I will support the grape farmers! I will go above and beyond the call of duty to make sure grape farmers far and wide who just so happen to provide the wine industry its much needed ingredient are given their due during hard times!

To tell my wife one more time than necessary every day that I love her.

That’s the short short version. The longer version is anonymously hand written on a paper that’s been mailed to an unsuspecting gentleman in Arizona I’ve never met.

It’s my annual ritual, it works for me and I’m pretty sure once the guy finishes reading them he’s going to pour a stiff drink and thank his maker he’s not me.

Happy New Year world! Make this one count.



My House Becomes Police Headquarters

I felt like I turned 80 years old night before last.

Out of the blue it hit me that police scanners these days are streamed live online.

So, being the voyeuristic freak that I am, I decided to tune into my local area police feed.

Every five minutes I’d be lucky if I got a “we’ve got a report of a young male peeing on a bush” kind of call.

So, I decided to go for pay-dirt and listen to the City of Chicago Police Department scanner. MONEY!!!

The wife was interested for 4.3 seconds and then said, “so, can we watch Biggest Loser now?”

And I’m all, “but they just said 15-year-old kids were attacking dogs and the elderly as they walked by. Let’s see what happens!!”

Wife: “You seriously scare me.”

So of course, I can’t help but wonder….what if the daughter were dispatch and the son were the local police around my house? How would it all go down?

Dispatch: “We’ve got a 6-foot, 3-inch tall bearded bastard with a gap tooth walking around the house kicking inanimate objects and randomly breaking into the robot dance.”

Police: “10-4 dispatch, we’ve got a visual on said suspect and he’s also twitching violently and carrying what seems to be a shit beer…a Miller Lite.”

Dispatch: “Approach said suspect easy and treat as semi hostile. Be advised if approached too cautiously he will assume you’re a wounded animal and start to hump your leg vigorously. Although Chief says if he does hump your leg just let it go…he’ll only last 1.3 seconds.”

Police: “10-4 dispatch, he’s already engaged, completed and asleep snoring loudly.”

Dispatch: “We’ve now got reports that said suspect is snoring too loudly and waking neighbors.”

Police: “10-4 Dispatch, we’re applying the breathing strips now and handing the suspect his favorite Mr. Monk-A-Monk stuff animal.”

Later That Night

Dispatch: “We got a call of a 9241 in progress. Apparently there’s a motherly figure in the kitchen preparing pork chops for our dinner.”

Police: “That’s a 10-4 dispatch. I’ve been watching the 9241 in progress for the past 10 minutes and have strategically placed small garbage bags under our places at the dinner table so we can spit the food out when the suspects aren’t looking.”

Even Further Later That Night

Dispatch: “We just got a call that a large box-fan has been placed in the hallway to create a high volume of white noise. Therefore it’s believed two consenting adults are about to make whoopee. Please proceed to cock-block them.”

Police: “That’s a big 10-4 dispatch. I’m currently changing into my undercover jammies and about to implement the 3-prong cock-blocking approach:

1) “Place the dog in their room making them have to disengage to put him back in his crate, hopefully having to take him outside for a potty-break first.

2) “Loudly walk to the bathroom forcing them to stop for a little bit, then bang on their door to ask if mommy’s OK motivating them to have almost motionless sex.

3) “Bang on the door to announce my stomach hurts and that I want my temperature checked causing mommy to give daddy the “just go finish yourself off in the bathroom” look.”

Dispatch: “Well done officer. Well done.”