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« Parenting is Like Training for the Olympics | Main | Mentoring To Earn The Man-Card »

I'm A Hypocrite Father

“I love you Grayson.”

That’s what a little piece of yellow paper had written on it that the boy found under a book on his desk. My 9-year-old third grader had a little lady falling for his redheaded ass.

A part of me wanted to high five him, do a chest bump and let him take a swig of my beer. But the father of a daughter in me took over and immediately I began to fume.

My hypocrisy regarding my views of youth and relationships was already beginning to creep its way into real situations sooner than I’d anticipated.

Since the day we saw the sonar of our precious little wienerless fetus on the screen during the pregnancy, I knew the day would eventually come when I was standing with a shotgun in front of the daughter’s bedroom door while tossing a pack of condoms to the boy.

Since the day the wife spat our little daughter into the world I’ve been randomly polling the women in my life regarding how their father’s dealt with them as teenagers.

The responses:

“My dad wouldn’t let me date till I was 18.”

“My boyfriend snuck into my bedroom constantly at night.”

“I had my first baby when I was 17.”

I stopped asking after that last response.

Next, I quickly decided I should make a list. That’s what the old school 80s After School Specials always recommended… “when you’re in a pinch on a tough decision, turn on some Poison and make a list!” So I did.

How I Will Treat Relationships the Boy & Girl Have As Teenagers

Boy: Lend him my quality porn collection so he can learn how to handle himself in the sack.

Girl: Show her medical videos of people with horrific cases of gonorrhea and syphilis.

Boy: Provide him with condoms so he always has protection.

Girl: Sleep on the floor next to her bed with a shotgun so that she’s always protected.

Boy: Make sure I don’t cockblock him when he has a girl over to watch a movie.

Girl: Sit on the couch next to the daughter’s male friend and drink a bottle of whiskey while cleaning my chainsaw and staring at him as they watch a movie.

Boy: Explain to him he should be free, enjoy his youth and not lock himself down with a girl for years.

Girl: Drill into her head that you don’t really understand love and relationships till you’re 29 so she should just wait till then to kiss a boy or anything else ookie like that.

It was at this point the wife ripped the sheet out of my hands, balled it up, slapped me and said “get a grip you gap-toothed idiot. We’re going to treat them the same, give them both the exact same tools and opportunities. We’re going let them screw up and learn from it. We’re going to support them through the whole thing and arm them as best we can to make good choices. We can’t guard their every move.”

And she’s right. It’s the only thing to do. I don’t ever want to look back and know that I was too overbearing and sheltered them from becoming who they truly are. I want them to make mistakes, have their hearts broken and learn all the amazing and sometimes painful facets of love.

I touched the wife’s shoulder, smiled a “you’re right” smile at her, then stopped by the girl’s bedroom to make sure all the hidden cameras had fully charged batteries in them.

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Reader Comments (14)

It almost sounded as if MY husband wrote this. LOL. Appreciate the insight of our years to come...

May 30, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMegan Monique

Why not teach that God calls us to chastity? That sex is God's gift to married people and that sex is meant to be unitive and procreative.

May 30, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterA Passer By

I once dated a girl named Chastity. She was creative and could have been a pro. Now if God could just get me her number again...I'd call.

May 30, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBill

So happy to see you writing again. I have missed your posts. I adore your wife. She is one very wise women. Listen to her. You know how important sex is in a realationship. You know that for a marriage to really work both the husband and wife need to be on the same page in that department. Wouldn't it be great to be in a relationship where both you and your partner are happy with their physical realtionship? Can you imagine how much more closer you would be emotionally? Therefore, you need to teach your daughter that her sexuality is natural and normal. She needs to embrace it just like you are encouraging your son to embrace his. If she is brought up that way, she will have the ability to connect deeply and complelety with her future spouse. When we raise women to be ashamed of their sexuality, we teach them how to disconnect from it. A woman that is disconnected from her sexuality is not whole. If she is not whole she cannot give all of herself to her partner simply because she does not have it to give. This causes resentment in the partner and they pull back, not giving all of themselves. It is so sad to see two people so deeply in love but unable to truly experience all of its magic because they cannot connect. Often these relationships fall apart and the opportunity to experience a true and lasting love is lost. Listen to your wife. Do not handicap your daughter. Do not take away her ability to truly connect with someone with all that she is. Allow her to embrace her womanhood, her sexuality. Allow her to be all that she was intended to be. Watch her blossom, watch her grow, give her all the tools she needs and trust that she will make the right decisions. She and her future spouse will thank you.

May 31, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBernadette

No doubt your daughter will...appreciate...all of the extra attention:) Oh, dads!

May 31, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMel

I love this - very funny! Although, cleaning the chainsaw, that might be over the edge...on second thought, nah - I dated teenage boys. Keep the shotgun ready!

June 1, 2012 | Unregistered Commenterpaula @lkg4sweetspot

Daughters absolutely need the extra attention. Don't even blink.

June 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSara

Just remember, with a boy you can always leave the state. <grin>

June 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterTorpedoman69

Thanks for this post!

June 7, 2012 | Unregistered Commentercasino virtuels

Great post, very amusing but of course very real concerns too!

I was interested to note that your kids are named on the blog. Perhaps the chance that any prospective boyfriend might stumble across this post will be enough to keep your daughter out of danger until she's 18?!

Do your kids read your blog out of curiosity?

June 8, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBrighton Dad

You nailed this one. I can laugh especially hard since I've got a couple of wayward ginger teens in my face right now. Brace yourself dude!

June 15, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterThe Animated Woman

Love this post! As a mother of a teenage daughter and tween son I think I have only admitted to my husband that the rules are totally different between the two of them. (putting my head down in shame now..) But, every time I think something is okay for my son becuase he's a boy I am always reminded of how felt about my daughter at that age. I remind my son often to remember that the girls he is talking to are someones daughter or sister and that usually come with a brother, mother, or father as protective as we are.

July 22, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterNikki

This is my first visit to your blog and I'm definitely coming back! Hard to believe, but I didn't even know you existed. It must be that rock I've been under. I was a teenage girl once but I only have boys (15 and 8). I think I'm relieved although a girl would have been nice...

You make perfect sence to me! And so does your wife. I have a daughter and a son, 16 months apart, and it is hard sometimes not to want to impose those ol' double standards! Thank you for the good laugh I had to have at myself!

August 5, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterKaren Betty Roberts

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