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Thursday
Jan192012

Glitter Bitches!

Glitter is evil.

A year after the wife and I moved into our first home she invited a former roommate to visit.

A day later we’re throwing a neighborhood bash in her honor. Beers are flowing. The grill is smoking with orgasmic fumes of cooked dead animal flesh.

I’m hanging out in a chair, laughing, trying to be funny, and enjoying many a beverage.

That’s when it happened.

I look up to see the wife’s former roommate standing before me, unnaturally interested in the rambling mess spewing from my distorted lips.

Then a pause.

Then, she screams “glitter bitches!!!!” as she unleashes two handfuls of glitter all over every inch of my person.

Head to toe, in my eyes, up my nose, in my mouth, contaminating my beverage….everywhere….glitter.

It was absolutely brilliant. The fact she even waited more than 24 hours upon her arrival to pull this award-winning prank made it even that much more respectable.

Since then, I’ve had an undying hatred for glitter.

Almost three years later we moved after two ankle biters graced our presence. Upon opening a couple boxes we still found glitter.

Fast forward to the X-mas holidays of 2011….

I finish volunteering in the boy’s 3rd-grade classroom holiday party and take a slow jaunt down to the daughter’s 1st-grade class to see if the wife needs help wrangling the little bastards around Ole Saint Nick projects.

When I walk in the classroom my sights lock immediately on a gaggle of desks jammed together in a U-shape. Kids on one side. One lonely, helpless woman on the other.

And in-between…glitter hell.

The kids’ activity was to turn a cup upside down, cover it in glue, throw glitter on it, and BAM!!! an ornament guaranteed to hit every household trashcan the second it’s pulled from the book bag.

Everything around me blurred as I watched on the kid taking handfuls of glitter and dumping it on the kids head next to him. Another was putting handfuls in his pockets. Next to him a girl sneezed, wiped her hands across her face leaving a fantastic handlebar mustache of glitter.

Volunteers throughout were completely ignoring this one table, hurriedly making themselves look busy as glitter overtook the station like a sand storm.

It was absolute and total hell on earth.

Being the jackasses the wife and I are, we jumped in to help as best we could. And glitter has re-entered our lives yet again.

Bad things happen in threes, or so they say. The third time glitter overtakes my life, it better damn well be in the form of dollar bills, strippers, or Goldschlager.

Do they even make that shit anymore?

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Reader Comments (18)

Goldschlager - Yes they do! YUM

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterElizabeth

I was in a meeting last night and one of the guys had a single piece of glitter under his right eye. It's all I could think about. The meeting was over 2 hours long and I have no idea what it was about, other than glitter.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterBridget

Ahhh...glittery, beautiful Goldschlager...

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMel

It's gay ski week in Aspen right now. Maybe you should come for a quick visit and get inspired by all the creative ways glitter can be utilized. I'll try to take photos for you.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJillian

GLITTER! OMG, I love me some glitter, but if some bitch dumps a pound of that shit on me, and it gets in my drink, heads will fucking roll.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterAnnaNonamus

Dear-god, man . . . I have a great shrink for PTSD issues.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJohn

Is she a MENTAL patient? I mean who even DOES that???

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSara

I hate glitter. It's "happy" herpes.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered Commenter@ieatmykidzsnack

They say cockroaches are the only thing that could survive s nuclear holocaust... I would add glitter to that list.

January 19, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJohn

LMAO!!! You just made my whole day! I'll let you know how it goes when I dump glitter on my poor unsuspecting husband...you're my unwitting inspiration, and I HAVE to do it. Just hafta.
Glitter Bitches!!!! LOL

January 20, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterSparky

Ok, ok, I'll admit it. I LOVE anything that glitters or sparkles. I love it most when a man has a spot of glitter on him that was either brushed onto him from an amorous encounter or from an arts and craft project with his children, both of which I find immensely attractive.

January 20, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterJillian

I'm having flashbacks to my theater days. We did a show where one of the characters threw a cup of glitter into the audience. Twenty performances of glitter being tossed into the house. Guess who had the job of vacuuming it up?

January 21, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterStacey

brilliant! but i love glitter as hard as it is to come into alignment with. its some smart shit that someone invented. yes hard to deal with and a nuisance but brilliant.

January 25, 2012 | Unregistered Commentersteve williams

Hi CryinDaddy, just happened to discover you blog, great writing (actually had laughing out loud at the "Glitter Bitch" part. I'll be back to read more of yours.

Take care

DadddyOfTwo

January 28, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDaddyOfTwo

And by the way, I took the liberty to add you in my blogroll.

DOT

January 28, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterDaddyOfTwo

Glitter has its place. Mostly bad Mariah Carey movies.

January 30, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterRoby Brown

Ah! Great story. I'm dreading the day my child starts school for this very reason. I despise glitter and anything covered in it. That includes greeting cards, Christmas ornaments, strippers -- well,to be fair, I despise strippers for a variety of reasons, but the glitter just makes me despise them more.

February 3, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

Glitter is totally bullshit. I hate it. It's the gift that keeps on giving in a bad way. It's like Cherrios, but worse, because it gets on your FACE instead of the floor.

February 4, 2012 | Unregistered CommenterOld School/New School Mom

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