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My Daughter's First Boyfriend & Me

Recently I’ve been getting a small test as to how I will react when a boy becomes smitten with my precious angel of a daughter.

We have really good friends that live just a few houses down from us on our block. They’re proud parents of a two-year-old and a four-year-old boy.

The four-year-old is a down to Earth kid. He always says, “hello Justin” whenever he walks in the door of our house or sees me outside. Just yesterday he stopped by my at-home desk and said “how was your Easter Justin?”

You just can’t help but smile at a kind young little bastard like that.

He’s two years younger than our daughter, but at this age it doesn’t really matter.

He loves to play with her and she loves the fact she can pretty much manipulate him to do whatever in the hell she wants him to do.

Play school? Done!

Play veterinarian? Done!

Play stuffed-animal tea party? Done!

And so they’re friendship has blossomed.

When she eats her lunch, he’s sitting almost on top of her.

Macy: “You don’t have to sit so close to me.”

Neighbor Kid: “I know, I just like to Macy!”

This is when my mind starts to get the best of me.

What if the neighbor kid is working me over?

What if he’s trying to get me to fall head-over heels in love with his little dimples and innocent interest in how my day’s taken shape, just so he can drop a Jedi mind-trick cloud of oblivion over my weary brain so I’m cloaked from seeing the obvious….that he’s slowly taking my daughter from me.

I know, I know, they’re four and six.

But they grow up.

Hair starts protruding in awkward places, little hormones start revving their engines and next thing you know the sweet little neighbor kid has me rambling about what a dick my boss is while sweet Macy ganks $40 from my wallet so the two of them can sneak out later, buy some liquor and make-out at the neighborhood park.

I’m watching that little guy.

What he doesn’t realize is that I’m playing along with his little game. While he’s being all nice to me, I’m being super nice right back. Not because he’s four, cute and armed with a winning personality.


But because I’m keeping my enemies close. Watching….learning….remembering.

When I hand him a plate of chicken nuggets, grapes, and a cup with ice cold 2% milk I make sure our eyes meet as I give him just a split-second glare that says “bring your A-game little man and let’s dance.”

And when he smiles right back and says, “thanks for making me lunch Justin,” I immediately know he’s accepted the challenge and the game is on.

Only time will tell who the winner will ultimately be.

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Reader Comments (17)

I love this. As the parent of a son and a daughter I see both sides. Terrifying. And hysterical. I will be stealing, "bring your A-game little man and let's dance."

April 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterClumberKim

As the mother of 2 little girls, I can assure you that I will be visiting my husband is Pennsylvania State Prison when my children are old enough to be dating. He is not handling that thought very well, and they are only 3 & 1.

April 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

Absolutely freaking hilarious!! Thanks for keeping it real... Justin. :)

April 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJen

He's totally mind fucking you. Be careful

April 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLLA_Princess

Gotta watch those Eddie Haskell types—you need to do the Robert Deniro/Meet the Fockers "I got my eyes on you" thing every chance you get.

April 27, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter@thecaffeinatrix

My boyfriend's exact words when we found out we were having a girl. "Ok, I will need a shotgun, a lock for her door, and rosebushes under her window"
She is only 4 right now but he closely monitors her hugs and kisses when it comes to her little boy friends.
This was too funny, gave me a good laugh to wake up to.

April 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMental Mom

You are mentally ill.

April 27, 2011 | Unregistered Commenter@ieatmykidzsnack

This post reminds me of why I came up with my original plan to keep my daughter locked in the house until she was 42 (it doesn't matter that I'm "only 33" when I write this). "I just like to Macy" and "play veterinarian" sound like code word for other things. You're right - keep an eye out.

April 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJohn

Absolutely bang on!!

April 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKim

I love this so much. I enjoy watching my 9 year old and the 7 year old girl next door. Such a funny cat & mouse game they're starting to play, already. So funny - great post!

April 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterStuperb

Is it just me, or do other people hear that kid talking in a voice just like Hal the computer from 2001 A Space Odyssey?

April 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMidLyfeMama

Oh, friend, you have so much to learn.
Neighbor kid has already won. LOL

April 27, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJenn

Haaaa.. By the time he's 10, you'll have to start doing the "two fingers pointing at your eyes then pointing at him" maneuver.. I'm watching you kid!!!! But, you've already fallen into his Eddie Haskell type trap!!!!! BE CAREFUL..

April 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterIamLittleJohnny

Thanks for the laugh! Oh they start out so innocent and everything sneaks up on you and takes you by surprise. My oldest is now 16 and when I met her last boyfriend I was thinking "oh I don't trust you at all you little shit" and now I know I am not the only one! Keep your friends close, keep your enemy's "and daughter's potential boyfriends" closer!

April 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJustCaity

At least they are playing veterinarian and not doctor as I played as a kid.

April 28, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMike

Recently found your blog and that makes me glad inside. Those little shits are always conspiring against us. One must be prepared. My five-year-old son kept replaying a scene out of some STUPID movie I was letting him watch (because I need the electric babysitter to raise my kids on my behalf so I'm free to continue fucking up my life in my own special way), when finally I asked him "little man? what are you doing?"
Turns out he liked the way the MOM looked in a scene where she meets her future love interest (no really it was a kid movie) - there was wind blowing through her hair and she was supposed to be all hot and shit and I realized in that moment that someday he would leave me for a middle-aged slut with feathered hair.
But I'll be ready. Oh yeah. Baby. I'll be ready.

May 1, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjanelle

Yep, I feel the same way about my little girl and those horrible boys. There are two boys in my kindergarten daughter's classroom. One is sure to be the big man on campus because he's all studly and such, and the other one will no doubt graduate valedictorian. I'm going for the smartie.

May 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca

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