Babies Come Out Of Girl's Butts
Tuesday, March 8, 2011 at 4:22AM Last night the wife and I are calmly listening to Cold War Kids and getting pumped to go see them Friday night when all of a sudden our six-year-old, long-haired, hippie daughter comes tearing-ass through the room screaming “babies come out of girl’s butts!! Babies come out of girl’s butts!!” and giggling while holding her bum bum like she’s got a full diaper.
The show Cake Boss is a favorite in this household. And, apparently the “Cake Boss’s” wife just birthed their fourth child.
And, they showed the PG version of this woman spitting out a baby while my wife and I were being neglectful parents in the other room.
It wasn’t until the town-crier move the daughter pulled by running through the house announcing the apparent mass production of ass-babies that we realized we’d allowed something bad to happen.
While I was acting like I smelled smoke in the basement, the wife quickly screamed “OK, bedtime, let’s brush teeth!”
And it was over.
Thirty minutes later when the house was silent and our shoulders slowly started relax and drop from the afternoon parental pressures, the wife and I locked eyes.
It was for only a few seconds…mainly because the wife knows if she looks at me for more than five seconds I’ll start ripping my clothes off and drooling.
But this look was different.
It was the look of knowing the time to have “The Talk” was becoming closer and closer each year.
Just over a month ago, the we had creatively avoided questions from the little bastards about “how the seed gets in mommy’s belly?” Here’s more detail on that one.
The daughter’s six and the boy is eight.
We hear the sex-talk clock ticking loudly in the other room.
The only thing preventing us from talking to the boy in the next year or two is the fact that we know he can’t keep his damn mouth shut.
He’ll completely botch the translation of how babies are made and have half our city’s parents knocking on our doors with baseball bats and other creatively deadly blunt objects wanting to know “why my son thinks jack-o-lanterns shoot from his pecker?”
The wife and I will eventually have “The Talk,” mainly because we’d rather be the ones opening that dialogue with our children than the schools.
And by “we” I really mean my mother-in-law.
The wife and I have full intentions of waiting until my mother-in-law visits, tell the kids “grandma wants to talk to you about sex and how babies are made,” and then running like hell to the nearest bar for the next 24 hours.
If you’re reading this my sweet, awesome mother-in-law…I was kidding.
I love you and would never do anything like that to you.
See you in a couple weeks!
Cold War Kids, baby, cake boss, jack-o-lanterns, mother-in-law, parenting, pregnancy, the talk
Reader Comments (17)
Dude, it's amazing what anti-seizure drugs will do to you. I did have The Talk with my 8 year old just because I felt I had to. All she said was "eeeeeewwwww" and every time I bring the subject up she says "stop, mom it's embarrassing!"
I had to have the talk about female anatomy with my daughter as she's showing signs of starting her first period soon (she's 10). I kept it fairly simple and it wasn't soooo bad. I think she was more embarassed than I was. I'm leaving The Talk with the boy to my ex, though; one was enough for me. Too bad my late MIL who was a nurse isn't still around......
My son has asked and I found this really cute book at our library that explains it. Can't remember the name but after I was done reading it ... he looked at me like I just farted in his face and said can I go now?
I finally told my boys what actual body part babies come out of and their poor faces just dropped. My oldest,9, was like I DID NOT KNOW THAT. And just shook his head. We've yet to get to the sex part. Oh dear God help me when we do. They were watching PBS about the sperm whale and the whole time I was just praying no one would ask what sperm meant!
Oh, this had me laughing out loud.
If you mother in law is available and in Cleveland in the next few years...
As a Hobokenite myself, I need to point out that damn near everything in Jersey smells like ass. And thusly, in Hoboken, babies DO come out of ladies butts. True story.
I think the "current parenting mode" is to have an age appropriate sex talk at every age instead of waiting for THE talk. Although I'm not 100% clear on what age-appropriate means as presumably it needs to be updated periodically.
My 4 YO has been asking why sometimes his penis is big. I've just told him that sometimes it fills with blood. This doesn't seem to satisfy, and worse he now thinks we should see the Dr. so we can have the blood drained.
*sigh*
Right now I am so very happy that my 2 & 4yr old daughters still think babies come out of mamas' bellybuttons.
ROFLMAO!!! I am not looking forward to "the talk". Heck, there are many "talks" I don't want to even think of. Talk about babies, male/female organs and their functions, menstrual cycles, how to use a tampon. Ugh!!! I need a drink. I think I'm already hyperventilating!!!!
I just read this in the school computer lab while I am waiting for my next class to start and I had to stop myself from bursting into laughter. I'm not looking forward to having "the talk" with my kids either. I like the idea of waiting until the mother-in-law comes to town also to have the talk with the children.
I am willing to bet that there are basement fires on a weekly basis....
Would showing a live birth be too much? And then explain that it happened because of the SEX. Where penis is involved? Shit, your kid wont have sex until she is 16 at least if you do that.
I've always said that nothing good can come from watching Cake shows. This just proves it.
You should so make your MIL do the sex talk! Outsource it. Seriously. I am so not looking forward to that conversation in the years to come!
I think I passed a kidney stone reading that one. Oh man, I hurt from laughing so hard. This is priceless!
I have been reading your blog all afternoon. I have been crying because I've been laughing so hard. Had to have the talk with my oldest - DD - age 9 years, 2 months. She asked SO many questions that I never would have dreamed up at her age. Since I believe in the idea of if they are old enough to ask the question, they are old enough to know the answer.
Up until now, we've had very age-appropriate question/answer sessions. In my innocence - I thought our next conversation was going to be about "Your body will be going through changes." I had NO idea that we'd skip that and go straight to Sex Ed 102. I live in fear each time I hear "Mom, I have a question." :) And she's slowing learning that the middle of the grocery store checkout line isn't the appropriate place to ask mom a question!
Wouldn't trade it for the world though!