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Wednesday
Nov302011

How Santa Will Make My Son An Episode Of Intervention

It’s the holidays!

And you know how I know?

Because everyone’s becoming just a bit more of an asshole than they normally are. Even the kids! Hell, the dog has even gotten into the holiday spirit by gnawing on the strap of my man-purse I carry to work every day.

He’s never done that before!

Ahhh the holidays. When people pepper-spray you for buying video games at half-price at a Wal-Mart instead of doing what you should normally do at Wal-Mart….bring your best camera and search for great pictures to upload to www.peopleofwalmart.com.

I found a catalogue over Thanksgiving weekend the daughter had taken a liking to. Upon opening it I thought, “oh cool, she’s circled a few things in……oh…oh she’s circled everything in here.”

The son is still an incredibly devoted believer in Santa. Which sucks for two reasons…

1) It’s gonna break his heart and be rough as hell on him the day he finds out that fat bastard is really his MILF mom tossing extra un-wrapped gifts under the tree late at night while his drunk dad stands naked next to her whispering loudly, “just look at it…I’m making it look like helicopter blades!!”

I can’t help but see an episode of Intervention 20 years from now when my son’s all cracked-out, crying on national TV saying his addiction started when he learned Santa wasn’t real.

2) He thinks he can get whatever in the hell he wants. All “I gotta do is ask Santa!”

It’s like a huge middle finger being jammed in our faces when the boy asks for an iPhone, we rightfully say no, and he responds with that. It makes me want to out Santa right then and there.

But then we wouldn’t get away with my favorite phrase which keeps him in line, “really? You’re gonna give your sister a swirly in that toilet while Santa’s watching? Wow man…you’ve got balls of steel.”

Then there comes the wife. I procrastinate. I’ll occasionally look at commercials showing other rock-star husbands blowing the socks off their wife with cars, jewelry, vacuum cleaners and more. I can’t afford a new car, the wife sells all the jewelry I buy her and I might as well cut my own throat before buying her a vacuum cleaner.

So I wait. And wait.

And wait.

Until a couple days before Christmas and decide to fight the crowds. Bitching the whole time about finding no place to park, the long lines waiting to check out and the check-out ladies being rude because I had the gall to actually purchase something from them today.

I bitch about not being thanked as I hold the door for some jack-wad whose arms were full and mumble angrily to myself as I get stuck in endless shopping traffic.

And it’s at that last stoplight that I realize….the holidays and I need each other. Like my future cracked-out son needs his drugs, I need the holidays to be angry about something. I thrive off the rush of anger that I got on December 22 and 23 when I’m last-second-shopping for my wife. It makes me feel alive. It makes me…

LOVE THE HOLIDAYS!!!

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Reader Comments (6)

Loved the post Scrooge. I'm the ghost of Jewish Christmas future so if you ever want the wife to ride that helicopter ask her what she wants.

November 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLady of The House

I think your concerns are misplaced. His intervention will most likely not be based on the lack of reality in Santa and more on the concept of his mother being a MILF or the mental image of his father's waving phallus, twirling in the breeze above his brand new Nerf gun.

November 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJustin

Reading as Pandora is blasting the Christmas music station in the house. So pumped to put up the decorations.

November 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSteve B

I think Christmas shopping qualifies for a sick day at work. Spend a couple of hours shopping (online while in whatever is most comfortable) and then go do something you really enjoy...golf?, I don't know.

November 30, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRebecca

There are just so many visuals in this post, that I cannot quite move past the helicoptering naked dad by the tree... I think your wife deserves and EXTRA awesome present after that line...

December 11, 2011 | Unregistered Commentertracey

The visuals alone are Totally Worth It. You still get it monthly? I'm jealous.
I wouldn't so much worry about the Intervention as much as the ongoing therapy, before and after the intervention.

December 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterOne Bad Pixie

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