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My Daughter's Training To Become Lorena Bobbit Jr.

So you should see my boy. He’s got a bruised foot, a cut along his left cheek, a tiny cut on his lower lip and somewhere on his oversized thick skull is a small raised bump.

These war-wounds are not from wrestling with other eight-year-old boys. They’re not from a lost battle with a slippery tub or a botched attempt at eating with chopsticks.

No, they’re from our sweet, beautiful, innocent, smiling little blond-headed devil daughter.

She’s taken a liking to making her older brother bleed, bruise, and beg for forgiveness.

Thursday she slammed a door in his face as he was running full-tilt towards it. The left side of his face became swollen, cut and bloody.

Thursday afternoon she threw her cowgirl boot at his head because he called her “meany.”

Friday, he wouldn’t play a game with her so she snuck up next to him then stomped his foot.

Saturday in the car she back-handed him during a giggle fit creating a tiny cut in his lip.

As a result, I have a pile of her most prized possessions next to my desk which I’ve confiscated from her. Beside the pile is a reminder note to myself that on January 15 the girl can start watching TV again.

I feel like a warden of a prison being tormented by a gang leader trying to claim her spot as Chief Badass.

The boy…well, he definitely doesn’t take the lashings like a man.

Instead, he’s turned into a professional soccer player blessed with the greatest abilities to over-exaggerate even the tiniest of pushes.

For example:

The boy’s quietly doing his homework. The daughter comes strolling by him looking beautiful and innocent. The wife and I are in the kitchen wrapping-up dinner.

The girl: “Do you want to play Wii when you’re done?”

The boy: “No.”

The girl: “Please Grayson?!”

The boy: “No, I don’t want to.”

The girl, angered by this latest development in her very complicated and difficult life makes the split decision to take matters into her own hands. She’s going to make the boy pay for his bad decision making.

Her tiny little fist flies through the air, landing on his arm creating a sensation that couldn’t be any worse than a friendly pat on the shoulder.

The boy drops his pencil, a look of horror takes over his face, and neurons begin to flash and fire telling his brain, “holy shit I can get my sister into serious serious trouble if I over-play this tragic event!”

He immediately flies from his seat and onto the ground as hard as he can. A blood-curdling yell leaves his scarred lips, “MAAAAACCCYYY!!! OOOWWWW!!! Why did you do that to me?! Why is this happening to me and my life! You’re so mean and you’ve hurt me soooo badly!!”

This usually ends with the wife and I running into the room to find the boy holding his shin, despite the fact he was hit in the arm, and screaming while the daughter continually says, “I’m sorry Grayson!!!”

But we’re getting a handle on it! Despite explaining to her how much we love her and that hitting is not OK, we’ve also explained vividly how if it happens one more time she will experience a room containing one mattress, a pillow, a blanket, and nothing else.

And it’s times like this that make us, as parents, regret the hell out of threats that ultimately result in a whole shit-ton of manual labor.

Here’s hoping she learns her lesson and stops hurdling down the road to become the next Lorena Bobbit!

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Reader Comments (14)

bwahahahahaha! ah... mean so sorry i feel your pain! my little princess has been on lockdown since nov with no sins of parole in sight for been mean and just plain nasty to her little brother! whoever said little girls were made of sugar and spice LIED!

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterandrea

A girl after my own heart! Macy rocks! I hope she beats the crap out of every boy in the town! You won't ever have to worry about her taking care of herself in school. Some guy calls her "flatsey" or "bitch", she'll just haul off and either punch them in the face or kick them in the balls! Not playing fair on the playground? Macy will make sure all the rules are followed!

She's going to keep her brothers in line! I should have done this YEARS ago with my brother.

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterIrene

sounds very familiar to my house, annoying

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMelinda

When TheRuleroftheUniverse ( dd) was like 8 and TheProblemChild (os) was 6, she broke her foot literally kicking his ass. The Dr's thought it was funny and called it Karma, the next 5 years, she beat him so badly we had to take him and his HUGE BULBOUS BLACK EYES to the Dr to make sure he would survive, we always made her go because we were afraid they would think we were making it up. The buck stopped the day she compound fractured 2 of his fingers because he turned off her ceiling fan. She of course claimed it was an accident but we knew this was step 1 of her diabolical plan. She's not a Psychology Major and he is a fire sock twirling street performer. Not a lot of difference if you ask me. So good luck, I hope you have a big garage. I still have most of my kids crap I stripped from them in there. Including a few albums of Pokemon cards that cost me around 200k when they first came out. It's cold, I wonder how those burn?

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterThePeachy1

Wow. Your kids are horrible. Mine are perfect. I guess you are a really bad parent. ;)

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the House

She would be an excellent playmate to my daughter. When can they have a playdate?

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterEllie

oh man! I remember as a kid being told that I will only have a matress, pillow and blanket before in my room. I always was beating my sister. Good luck!

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKristina

HAHAAHHHAHAH. Wait... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Sorry dude. I dont have kids, but I have an older brother. NEXT, she is going to learn how to blame shit on him that SHE did just to make him keep his mouth shut.

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa

looks like you got a pretty good handle on the situation...gotta do what you gotta do to make sure she doesn't think that it's ok to hit. my brother is younger & when we'd fight i'd do what your son did, and i'd get away with it. my brother was the one who always got in trouble. but believe you me, we got punished if we were up to no good.

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterciara

I was your daughter when I was a child. I hit and poked and punched and screamed and cried my way toward dominance over my older siblings. As an adult I now know that violence is not the answer to my problems, I can't honestly remember the last time I hit anyone (even playfully). I'm really not sure what it was as a child that made me think hitting my older brother and sister (never my younger sister) was the answer. It sounds like Grayson has learned the way to play up his victim-hood. Which may not be such a good thing either.
Yeah, I got nothing to help you out here... I'm really quite useless.

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPattie

hmmm....sounds like a scene from my house...Except the 8 year old boy's name is Mikeal and the 6 year old girl is actually 3 and named Mikaila...

But I agree with hasn't happened in my house, yet, but I have two younger brothers and a younger sister....I know VERY well how many things go down. There is a reason everyone believes me to be the 'good kid', the 'role model'....

January 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterStephi

You need to see this. Too bad it's not on Friday though :-(

January 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterErin L

I can't tell you how many times we had the kid's (4 of them) stuff loaded in the garage for situations just like that! And the bedroom door comes off when they slam it... (tip:they HATE that!) All the while they'd complain how 'unfair' we are to take 'their' things... now that most have moved out, where do you think 'their' things are? Still taking up space in 'their' rooms... they get ya even when they move away... just enjoy the 'torture' you can deal out while they are there... :)

January 18, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRonni

what she does to him, you do to her, three times as hard. When I was a kid, that's what was done. We all grew up and had respect.

January 22, 2012 | Unregistered Commentercasual visitor

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