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Daddy!!! I Really Gotta Go!

My time on the big white throne is exactly how you’ve seen it portrayed in movies about families.

Man grabs newspaper, closes door, finds comfort on the throne, and just as his business is about to begin a knock comes at the door followed by thumping from a little kid jumping up and down and saying, “daddy, I REALLY gotta go!”

There’s four of us in this happy little perfect family and only one toilet in our delightful estate.

The boy never lifts the seat.

The daughter never, NEVER flushes. Even when it’s brown she doesn’t flush it down.

The wifey…well, she’s the smart one in the family. She’s managed to get herself on a cycle that fits perfectly into the times of the day when the kids’ bowels and bladders are empty.

The rest of us are like teenage girls in a dorm suite – we’re all on the exact same cycle.

And me, well…I’ve learned to poop at mach speed.

I can pee, brush my teeth and put deodorant on at the same time.

Nine out of ten times that I leave the bathroom the first thing my kids say before running in is “did you spray daddy?!?”

“My shit doesn’t stink!!!” is what I want to yell, but instead I chalk up another interrupted bathroom moment and just mutter, “yes child-of-mine, I did,” as I hang my head low and stumble away.

Then I think to the future, when the boy becomes…well, not a boy. I think of how the bathroom was my safe-haven, as a teenager, for taking care of “personal deeds.”

There’s something to be said for going into the bathroom in your own home and knowing if there’s anything that shows-up on a blacklight it’s because you put it there, not someone else.

But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

In the meantime, all I ask for is:

  • Enough time to poop and play a game of Sudoku (easy mode) without being interrupted.
  • To pull the curtain back on the shower and actually have my towel be there instead of wrapped around my wife’s head in the other room.
  • To not view my daughter’s “boom boom” floating happily in my toilet.
  • And to brush my teeth early in the morning without having to see my son come racing into the bathroom with his miniature morning wood and witness him hose down every square inch of my toilet while screaming, “don’t look daddy I need privacy!!!!”

That’s it…nothing more.


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Reader Comments (14)

Love it!

August 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterDirty Dishtowels

Yeah, those crazy Victorians had a good idea when they invented the chamber pot. Useful in emergencies.

August 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLittleAnimation

Dude! I know exactly what your saying. Growing up I had to share our one bathroom with 6 other individuals. (Yeah, I gotta big family) It was horrible! Now that I'm married and on my own, we have two bathrooms so I have one all to myself and I LOVE IT!

August 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJessica W

Thank you, you are making me dread the girls potty training...I must say though, at least I don't have a boy to hose down the whole bathroom.

August 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMamaBennie

I totally get it! The second I close the bathroom door and get my pants down, the knocking starts "Mommy I need to peeeeee". I think that my heading to the bathroom distracts them from what they're doing long enough to notice their bladders. My daughter doesn't flush either; a girl thing?

August 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKat (@kathym425)

What I wanna know as the mother of two males: Do they EVER learn not to pee all over the floor, wall, and base of the toilet? Why, why, why does it seem to be against all the rules to just SIT when you have no control over the shooting device??? And when are architects ever going to design a bathroom just for the young boys? It can't be that hard...vinyl walls, floor and ceiling with a drain hole in the center of the room!

August 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJb

haha. yes I am laughing at you not with you. Because for once I can not relate to anything you said. I have 3 bathrooms for 3 people. Yes we each have our own. I demand not to be subjected to the foulness of the "male" bathrooms due to possible death or disease. My men are not hunters, they have no aim. Good luck with that. Or go back to Chamber pots I heard they were very en vouge back in the day

August 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterThePeachy1

It's summer. Give 'em a shovel and show them the door.

My begonias have never looked better.

August 9, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermoooooog35

I have four boys, they range in age from 3-13. I scrub the floor once a day out of pure fear of what is growing on the floor. M little ones piss everywhere but the toilet, the ten year old has the worst smelling brown bombers ever, and the 13 year old seems to have to go every 15 minutes...hmmm, wonder what he's doing. I'm about to hang each of them a milk jug and a bag and announce they now each have their own toilets. I feel your pain, even with my own bathroom, everyone seems to think it becomes social hour and ask dad 20 questions while I'm in there. My dream bathroom is a huge toilet with a memory foam seat and back tank cover, flat screen tv, mini fridge for beer and wine, and sound proof walls...and of course a fingerprint activated security door!

August 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterChris

This is exactly why two bathrooms is on my list of must-haves for our next house. I'm planning ahead.

August 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStacey

Hilarious and familiar. But we have two toilets now, ahhhhhhhhh, bliss.
I never forget a friend who told me when they were having renovations done and had no toilet door on, that the fear of someone coming made you learn to poop like greased lightning. never wanted to test the theory, really.

August 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCate Pearce

Okay...I am now terrified of when Ari becomes old enough to do any of the things mentioned above. I better enjoy this time while he's still in diapers.

This was such a funny post. But all those visuals! Eww! LOL.

August 10, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAlexandria

My daughter NEVER FLUSHES IT DOWN. How hard is it to remember to flush?? But, once my niece and nephew were over (6 and 8 yo), and I found a turd floating in the toilet AND NO TOILET PAPER WITH IT. I am still traumatized.

August 11, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAndrea

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