Yesterday I happened upon this absolutely stellar, award-winning, high-class commercial in the Interweb Machine Thingy.
Doing what my wife hates the most, I immediately say, “honey, seriously, come watch this...”
As a side note, that is by far the worst phrase you could ever utter to my wife. She HATES when I ask her to watch videos. But then, nine times out of ten, she laughs her ass off. I know at the end of the day she’s writing in her diary: “…and then my sexy-ass husband showed me the most hilarious video and I almost peed myself watching it. God I love that man!”
Actually, it went a little bit more like this:
Wife: I don’t understand. You shit right behind your truck?
Me: Ummm…well yeah, I guess so.
Wife: That’s just stupid. Then it’s right next to your truck. And worse, it’s at the tailgate. What if you bag a deer? Then you’ll be stepping in your own shit while trying to put the deer carcass in your truck bed.
Me: Did you just say “tailgate,” “deer carcass” and “truck bed” to me? I want you so bad right now it’s ridiculous.
Wife: You’re a douche. Seriously, that is the dumbest damn thing I’ve ever seen.
Me: Maybe he dug a ditch, shat in it, covered it back up, and went back to ruthlessly killing innocent deer which he justifies by saying they’re overpopulated, which they really aren’t we’re just encroaching on their damn habitat.
Wife: Here we go again. Blah blah blah…nature…blah blah….save the animals…blah blah… Can you at least go pour me a bit more wine while you’re talking?
Me: Look, I was just trying to show you a funny-ass commercial that’s trying to pass off a trailer hitch toilet seat as a luxury item to rednecks that enjoy killing shit.
Wife: It’s hilarious. Can I leave now?
Me: I’m going to buy one for you for your birthday and make love to you on it.
Wife: OK, first, that’s just dumb. Second, you don’t have a trailer hitch. And third, if you did, you’d have to ask me how to hook the toilet seat up to it.
Me: That’s why I’m buying it for you and not me!!
Wife: That actually might be kinda sexy.
Me: Oh my God – are you serious? Cause I’ll order it right now. Actually, I’ll get on Craigslist and see if anyone close-by is selling them so I can pick it up now. Oh, and I need to buy a trailer hitch and find someone to weld it on…
I paused and realized while I was off on this wild goose chase, my wife had relocated her sexy-ass to the couch where she was drinking her wine and watching her show in peace.
It didn’t matter though, I’m still buying it…