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Wednesday
May122010

Where's the Old School Porn?!

Yesterday Playboy announced the upcoming June issue is going to have a 3D centerfold.

After hearing this, my initial reaction was to slam my laptop shut, grab a 1986 copy of a Sears catalogue and head to Capital Hill demanding all teenagers be restricted from any and all masturbatory material via high tech methods.

Holding open the coveted page featuring high-end granny-panty-clad models, I’d slam my fist shouting, “this, my fellow elected officials, is what we grew-up with. This…this was our introduction to the female body and is what caused the crack in my childhood bathroom door from my mother continually pounding on it while yelling ‘finish up in the shower now!!!! You’re wasting water!!’”

As a kid my older brother introduced me to Playboy. I saw him looking at a copy one day and immediately grabbed it from his hands shouting, “where did you get this, man?!”

“From granddad’s closet. He’s got hundreds!”

From that point on, trips to the grandparent’s condo the next state over became joyous occasions filled with much plotting and planning. I’d stand watch as my brother shoved a few issues down his pants. Once safely in the guest bedroom, he’d provide me with one issue while he kept three. We’d high-five and each go our own separate ways to begin indulging.

Now, teens have the world of sex right at their fingertips…literally.

All they need is an Interweb machine thingy connection and BAM!!! hardcore sex all day, all the time. Computer or cell phone…doesn’t matter…it’s all right there. Wanna watch others masturbate – they have Chatroulette. Wanna watch porn…Google can hook you up.

Have a cell phone and a horny loved one you wanna play with – just dial up some sexting!

Teens now-a-days can pop off a quick text or two to their honey letting them know how they wanna get freaky on the back of an elephant while Richard Pryor tells racist jokes and Justin Bieber destroys any and all love for music they may have once had.

Back in the day, we had to write that shit down on a sheet of paper, fold it up, risk passing it in class, hope some douche didn’t steal it on its journey to the lucky lady, and then pray after the girl reads it her parents don’t find it shoved under some stuffed animal in her bedroom.

Hell, kids these days have probably seen more girls in their high school naked than were seen in all the high schools in the late 80s.

And while thought of being 16 with a freshly opened Playboy complete with a 3D centerfold in front of my young eyes makes me jealously drool a little, I can’t guess most teens will see it as rookie porn.

There’s something to be said for the unknown, for the unseen, for the anticipation, and for the embarrassing pre-ejaculation (umm…not that ummm…not that that ever happened to me, yo!).

Now…well, I guess I’m just another aging guy looking down at the younger generation and shaking my head at the spoils they enjoy while also secretly enjoying them.

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Reader Comments (7)

Yeah, I heard about that on the radio this morning. Don't know that it's Capitol Hill worthy, but does seem a bit insane. Anything for a publicity stunt, eh?

May 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterRobMonroe

Never was much of a "jerk off'er" as a teen. Well until I was 17 and my mom baught me my 1st PC and an AOL dial up connection...

May 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter@uniqueblog

@uniqueblog is a frickin liar. the jcpenny christmas catalog had those smooth pages too. that was what i imagined a woman's skin felt like.
then i tried a real broad a few years later and found out that female skin feels like hype, broken dreams and shame.

May 12, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter@havingtwinsnow

Since you asked...http://www.vintage-erotica-forum.com/

May 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJeff Kent

I love the note passing reference. So true. What a risky operation it was... texting is much safer with that delete option. No one likes to get grounded from mom finding a salacious note in your room.

May 12, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMrs. D/@ubermilf

If that's all not bad enough now they have an app for cell phones that permanentley deletes texts and picture messages. So now not only do they have immediate naughty talk access but they cancover their tracks completely. Little bastards, I wonder if they even appreciate the porn ease endowed upon them by technology (thank gosh I'm still young enough to enjoy it as well).

May 14, 2010 | Unregistered Commentersabreena

In my day we didn't have porn. We had sticks. We drew boobs on sticks.

May 14, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermepsipax

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