My New Road
Monday, March 1, 2010 at 8:19AM Yesterday I officially became unemployed. My severance ran out, Cobra kicked in, and the wifey and I stood staring at each other holding calculators and shaky, hopeful grins.
Three months ago I was given a choice from my employer – take half the pay immediately and you won’t be guaranteed a job come the end of the fiscal year, or take your full pay and benefits for three months and look for another job. After a weekend of sleepless nights and long discussions, the wifey and I chose the latter.
I’ve had one iron in the fire the whole time—a great job working for an organization that would allow me to rock a newly created position. I’ve worked with, and known, the executive director for a couple years and she is eager to bring me on. The only constraint thus far has been the internal bureaucracy requiring dozens of people to sign off on the job description and another dozen to oversee the posting of the job before it’s awarded to the “qualified candidate.”
Supposedly I’m to start work a week from today.
I’ve changed quite a bit over the past three months. I’ve spent a considerable amount time alone…in my home…on the phone…on the computer….but very little face time with people. I’ve seen my Achilles-heel. I’ve seen it look me dead in the eye with its “sexy come-hither” look. I’ve been angry as shit. I’ve been depressed. I’ve taken it out on my wife, my kids, my friends and family…myself.
I’ve drank too much, felt too sorry, looked for oblivious forces to blame it on such as…karma. I’ve looked back at my life and picked it apart… “what if I didn’t move to Chicago?” “What if I’d taken that job in North Carolina..?”
What if…
And at the end of the day, after all that wondering, I’m still here, in Chicago with my family and friends, about to start a new job after ONLY three months. I’m still here…in my life…not my life’s past…but my life now.
Where it is…right now.
And I’m so fortunate. I’m so lucky to be where I am. I’ve met more people than I care to have met who’ve been unemployed so much longer than I was.
Tomorrow I’m meeting with my new boss to talk further about the job and to begin signing paper work. Within a week or two I’ll be employed again, making a paycheck, benefits, and picking up the pieces. We’ll struggle to fill the short gap between paychecks, but we’re fortunate it’s only a short gap and confident it’ll work out.
But there’s still one thing that’s keeping me from fully enjoying the knowledge of this good fortune. It’s that I know I’ve changed. I’m not who I was three months ago. I’m not who I was two years ago. In fact, I have no fucking clue who I am right now. I feel like I’ve lost some type of identity, direction, path, or journey. I’ve lost something that I desperately need to recover.
I’ve always felt that our 30s were such a fickle time. The 20s it’s all about starting the career and finding that love. The 30s are all about, “OK, I’m in the career, I’ve got my love, maybe some kids on the way….” and then it all hits home. Like a cannon to the chest. You have no idea who you are…
I am fortunate. I have a phenomenal wife. I look in my kids’ eyes and I undoubtedly know they adore me. I have a job on the horizon. I am fortunate.
And so that will be my focus. Despite this nagging, empty feeling of self-purpose, I’ll funnel my energy and heart into family and my career.
I’ll do that, but not without ignoring the fact that this journey has absolutely ripped my chest open and given me front row seats to my soul and then handed me the keys along with the responsibility to choose my new road.
My new road…
Chicago, North Carolina, change, cobra, job, unemployment
Reader Comments (28)
congrats on the new job - glad to hear it is working out!
Congrats! The loss of a job is and can be hard. I have enjoyed reading about your daily life with you kids and wife. The support of a family is key to keeping it together and sounds like they were there.. Best of luck in your new job and the new adventure and think of it as new material to keep us laughing.
Best regards,
SoloRunner
Christine
I'm so happy to hear about your new job. Sounds like you will come through this a better man. Life is all about cycles, my friend. I have been going along, living life and raising my two girls, and WHAM, they are almost grown. I've been Mommy for 18 years. Who am I now? I don't know, but I can't wait to see where the road leads. Best of luck to you!
I really appreciate your honesty here. I've been unemployed for a year and it's been really tough. It's hard to stay in touch with one's identity or something when your role changes in such a fundamental way. I'm still struggling with it after all this time. It doesn't always work out like it does for some - finding your true passion/starting your own business/winning the lottery. I just want a damn job so I can pay the damn bills! Thanks for writing about how tough the process is. I've had a hell of a time expressing it, and I basically gave up trying a long time ago. This helped me.
And big congrats on your new gig! I'm looking forward to hearing more about it and to all your hilarious tweets. Love those. :)
Congratulations on your new path and for realizing your priorities.
Your wife and kids are very lucky to have YOU in their lives!
So glad things are working out. And really...even if its unsettling, this 30 something looking into our souls and making peace with ourselves and the universe, its the best place I've ever been. Hang in there!
Daddy, I know exactly where you are. I've been in a bit of a midlife crisis of sorts, at the ripe old age of 34. I'm so glad things are starting to fall into place for you professionally, just don't forget to keep taking care of you. Hugs ~
Glad you're going to be back to work. I want to let you know something though. My Father was out of work often when I was a kid. He had 3 of us to feed. My Mom picked up odd jobs from time to time as well. Once when it was really bad she worked in my school cafe. That was about the same time Dad started taking temp jobs in the middle of the night loading trucks at a warehouse.
But what I remember most about those times was the time I got to spend with my dad BECAUSE he was not working. He was there when we got home and for doctor appointments etc. One time he had so much extra time he built us a huge Grass Hut he saw in one of the Foxfire books. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foxfire_books ) It was great! Till the mosquitoes moved in and then it was awful and we finally had to burn it up... that was great too!
So don't worry too much about everything. Your kids will have some great memories about you being home... and you will too!
Now get back to work.