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« Time To Get Off This Spot | Main | Baseball in Chi-Town Scares Me »

Wifey & I Discuss Our Daughter's Future Sex Life

The wifey and I have been watching the Showtime series Weeds like it’s crack. And during that time I’m watching teenage girls hooking up and can’t help but shudder at the thought of my precious little angel ever…OK, I just threw up in my mouth.

Anyway, during one such episode, I hit the pause button and said to the wifey:

Me: “Seriously…Macy can’t ever have sex.”

Wifey: “Here we go…”

Me: “No seriously…guys are assholes. She’s gonna get some douche that’s gonna totally hit on her and view her as a conquest and then bolt leaving her and us with a damn baby.”

Wifey: “Our daughter is not a mountain you idiot. She’s not something you ‘conquest’.”

Me: “You know what I mean. Like, take you for an instance. You were all new to the school…with your sexy tight white jeans… You came walking into class that first day and immediately I’m throwing on my hiking gear, phoning home to let mom know I’m headed out for a multi-month expedition and lining up my Sherpa’s.

Wifey: “You seriously liked those white jeans?”

Me: “Boy Scout’s Honor – I still have those jeans in a super secret hidden spot and touch them often.

Wifey: “Number one, you were never a Boy Scout and number two, you’re a sick bastard.”

Me: “I love when you talk dirty to me.”

Wifey: “Really? You’re gonna be THAT dad and deprive our daughter of a great teenage childhood all cause you think the entire male population thinks like you?”

Me: “Sweety…the entire male population thinks with their dicks!”

Wifey: “At what point does that change cause you’re 34 and I see no shore-line off in the distance!”

Me: “You’re feeling awfully frisky tonight…you wanna ‘go’ woman? You seriously want me to take off my shirt right now don’t you?”

Wifey: “Just don’t hold our daughter back from living her life and learning life experiences. We need to just make sure we remain involved, communicate, and teach her life lessons.”

Me: “Are you reciting an After School Special to me right now?”

Wifey: “Seriously…let her learn, experience and become a woman.”

Me: “Baby jesus I love when you talk like that. How can you be all calm and just sit there when I’ve just taken my shirt off for you?”

Wifey: “Oh baby, you look hot. Oh baby, I must have you now. Oh baby, oh baby.”

Me: “One day you’re gonna wish you were much nicer to me.”

Wifey: “So sum it up …what exactly do you want for Macy?”

Me: “I want every one of her dates to walk in the door and see me cleaning my gun. I want them to shake my hand, sit for at least 5 minutes with me, and give me the respect due to appreciate the fact you’re taking out an amazing piece of my soul and heart.”

Wifey: “That’s sweet honey, but pretty far-fetched. But you know what? I’m with you…cause she deserves the respect.”

Me: “Yeah she does. Let’s chest bump to that shit!”

Wifey: “Ummm…I gotta pee and will be right back for that chest bump…I promise!”

Me: “So awesome…I’ll be right here waiting baby! Miss you already!!!”

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Reader Comments (21)

So flipping funny ~

I am can totally see my husband feeling the same way......about white jeans and chest bumping.

Love reading your stuff. Thanks for sharing.

January 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterJamie (gimmethejuice)

I had the girls baptized just so they could become nuns. True story.
My husband and I's backup plan is to turn them into nerds so they don't date until they are 35. We should be dead by then thanks to our bad lifestyle choices of drinking and bacon so no worries.

January 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKate, aka guavalicious

#1 Yeah yeah yeah. You guys all talk the same talk but when your little girl gets to the pre-puberty stage you run away with you tail between your legs like a dog on The 4th of July, then say: "You need to talk to your daughter", to the lovely wife.
#2 I want to be your wife's BFF and have her on speed dial.
#3 I think you may have misquoted the lovely wife's responses to your come-ons.
#4 Love the blog! You rock daddy!
Love, Ann Marie

January 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMrsHotMom

I have two daughters, 18 and 15. Whenever I allow them to leave the house, guys look at them. Everytime that happens I have the almost uncontrollable urge to scream, "Your eyeballs aren't WORTHY to see their beauty!". The thought of some rotten little bastard putting his grubby hands on one of them is enough to make ME poop myself! *taking deep breaths*

Great post!

January 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkathygee1

Yeah, they say when you have a son, you only have to worry about one penis, with a girl, you have to worry about all of them. I only have a son so far; god help the teenage boys if I have a girl. I'm likely to insist on a GPS unit in their thighbone so I can see exactly how close they are to my offspring. If the dots on the screen become one, we'll have issues.

January 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterNathan Pralle

Dude... I'm back... He he. Great post.... I have missed your wit. Also, the pictures... classic. And the after school special... The more you know. I am so lucky I have a son. Please don't shoot him....

January 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermepsipax

Hilarious!!!! We have 2 daughters, 11 and 4. My 11-year old worries me constantly. I am putting her on the pill the minute as soon as she starts her first period. I am serious. I do not want to raise her children. I know she is gonna have sex and I don't want to be taking care of her babies. With that said, I am also going to hope she learns from my mistakes and chooses to stay as far away from boys as possible. Hubbie says when they start dating he is going to keep a baseball bat by the door and remind all dates "I've been to prison and I'm not afraid to go back." (He hasn't really been to prison, lol.) My son, on the other hand, I figure my husband will be buying him condoms for his 16th birthday while I will be attempting to teach him how to treat a girl right so he is safe around fathers like you, lol.

January 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commentertattooedmomof3

It's awesome she has you both! Somewhere in beween your shotgun and Kim's level headed approach she'll be sheltered from the horny boys just enough. What keeps me up is how EARLY they start now! Like Junior HIgh!

January 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLotta

We've been waiting for the white jeans to make their appearance on your blog. It's pretty much how you preferace every conversation you have ever had about high school and meeting Kim!

January 22, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermyturtledove

This is too funny!! Hubby and I have had similar conversations. With 4 girls we are more than a little afraid! *whispers -"Don't tell anyone, but we have even disscussed who will be pregnant first." Yeah we know it's wrong, but bound to happen with our odds!

January 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMelissa (mvaughnrn)

One of the mixed blessings of my daughter having Asperger's Syndrome is that she has no sexual interest whatsoever, even at the age of 19.

So while I am facing a life of no grandchildren, I can still sit here like Nelson from the Simpsons, point my finger at you and yell "HA HA".

P.S. You're site hates my site.

January 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterOpinionatedGift

You need to have a "date my daughter" obstacle course that suitors go through. We've been stockpiling chicken wire and insulation for years for our delicate flower.

Not for nothin', what if she likey the ladies?

January 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLady of the House

We are buying an automatic machine gun thingy just for that very reason. Any boy tries to break my red's hearts, I will shoot their dicks off, roast them on an open fire in the yard and auction the burnt meat on eBay...for real....just saying!

January 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterManiacal Mom

You need to listen to Rodney Atkins' song, "Cleaning This Gun". And get an Application to Date my Daughter. (I actually had my daughter's first boyfriend fill it out. Didn't scare him away, and he was quite humorous in his responses. Always loved that boy!)

My oldest daughter got invited to the prom, her first "date". I was concerned, went to the group picture taking thing they do because I knew most of the boys in that group. Huge football players, enough facial hair to scare a Yeti, lots of testosterone. I meet her date and he was like 5'4, 125 pounds. PRE-PUBESCENT! Oh the wonders of pre-puberty. As long as she chose pre-pube boys, she could go to dances.
Now...don't go and ruin it for me by saying ALL guys think with their things, even pre-pubescent ones. I don't want to know that. I'm not listening. La la la la la la.

And just curious...what about the son? Are you going to high five his first "encounter" or is that creepy too?

January 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLojo

I've said this ad nauseam, but it bears repeating. I completely respect and understand your fears and worries as a father. But, you're wife is even more right than you know. I truly believe that the stigma parents attach to sex lingers with women far into their life, and can have really adverse affects. Like, 'an unpleasantly large portion of the female population has some form of sexual dysfunction' adverse. Unfortunately, it's so natural for a father to want to guard his child from what he used to be; a teenage boy. But the really cool thing about not acting like a warden is, your daughter is a lot more likely to talk to you before she makes big decisions if she feels like you won't have a coronary. And don't worry, she won't talk to you about stuff that will cause a coronary, just what she's thinking and feeling. In the long run, isn't that better?

Plus, any woman as clever as your wife will make sure your daughter is hip to the idiots and jagoffs who'll try to screw with her head. :)

January 22, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCleverTitania

Man that is classic!
I forwarded it to my brother who just had my nieces 1st birthday.

I would just teach the little one to shoot and when tearing a persons balls off? It starts with a firm grab and ends with a hard yank. The singing should start after. And really? If you cant do that? Then there's always Bear Spray that comes in totally handy sizes.
I may not be dangerous but I can sure make my girls dangerous.

January 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterVomiting Glass

Uh, I hope you tell them about the land you own in a far away place and the shovel you plan to use if they dare touch a hair on the head of that precious baby. Life experiences my ass, don't touch my baby.

All the boys that come to this house will know right off the bat not to worry about the man, but the short Italian woman that knows many ways to hid things that cause trouble. ;)

January 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterSoMo the FUCK are you still married?? If my husband pulled that kind of crap all the time I'd have dropped him long ago :)

I've got 2 girls. I know for DAMN sure that as soon as they reach the age wher boys beomce and interest my husband will be purchasing a gun and having "chats" with them LOL

January 23, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterCarrie

Would you feel better if she were gay and had a cute little girlfriend?

January 24, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterittybittycrazy

My daughter: Daddy, this is Tom

Tom: Hello, Sir

Me: Tom, I once killed a man, and I have to admit I rather enjoyed it. You make sure my angel is home by ten. *GRIN*

I'm sure it will go something like that :)

January 25, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMike

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